wednesday

So...Mike wanted me to choose going out with my friends and having fun, also drinking, or him. First of all, Mike messed up a lot of times. Sure, he has made changes, such as the C-pap machine to help his sleep apnea, or going on trips other than gettysburg, but it is more than that. He also complained during Disneyworld, made me feel embarrassed and upset during epcot, he always walks in front of me at restaurants, after the host shows us to the table. guys should let the female walk ahead idk...i mean, lots of things that just add up. plus, he doesnt enjoy the same things i do. he never expressed interest in camping, something i would love to do. its always his plans, always where he wants to go eat. i have good ideas and fun things to do. for a while, i was thinking about jay because everything i suggested, he was openminded too, and he actually enjoyed listening to me. even cooking dinner and chilling and talking, drinking a bit and watching youtube is fun. but with jay, he just never reciprocated. probably because he knew i wasnt attracted to him. hes a great guy, and he has summers off, also is smart and creative...but you know, attraction is key. soooo....mike is comfort because i know him..but he doesnt really know me or try to know me. we dont really DO anything together, if that makes sense. i have a sense of exploration and excitement and adventure, and he doesnt. and he tells me he doesnt want me to go out. why? yeah im not in my 20s anymore, but so what? i like getting dressed up and feeling hot. actually, i have been talking to guys i find attractive..so...that. like i said, i like mischevious blue eyes...anyways..this guy i know looked at my  car and i know him from being out at riverside bar and he has those eyes...so thats kind of cute. i mean, im not thinking anything, just saying...:/

like, i just want to live, start dating again. i want to find someone that i can enjoy time with. someone who IS sexy and makes me feel sexy! 

as i have said before, i am extremely picky and i cant just meet some guy and be interested. i have guys asking me out all the time. i have guys trying to add me on fb all the time, i see mutual friends, i add them, "Hi! Are you single?

"Lets date" blahhh...no. not interested. i think i am attracted to guys who have some sort of superiority to me, not superior, but like..someone who is above me workwise, or like, something like that...or someone who is established in some way. i really dont know but damn..im like, wtf???? i just really want to meet someone and go out. have fun.

mike doesnt want to lose me but its not fair to either of us. 

anyways

oh the guy with the blue eyes i have seen him before and he looked at me with that deviant look. like..i want to fuck you. ahh im being WEIRD!???? of course