thoughts pt 1

i feel like i have a lot i want to blog about, but where to start where to start? lets get this out of the way, moss msgd me and says i can sue google because, with all due respect, my blog here, has not gotten 400,000 views or so. well, firstly, i would like to say, my blog has been up on google since, i dont know...a few years. i have tags and labels attached, and sometimes it just links or shows up. i am sure most are spambots, and randoms. i do not think i have 400,000 followers! from the stats, it says i get about 4, 5 or 6 returning visits, so that means what, i must have at least, i'd say...4 followers who actual follow this stupid BLOG!! ok? WHO ARE YOU!??! I MEAN, WHY!?? FEEDBACK HUH!???

and what would give means to suing google? i am not trying to make money off this. a while back, i did have some ads up, and i made some money, but they went bankrupt. i didnt make alot of monetary monies from that tho. also, google ad sense dropped me, (i made a few hundred from them but i made the mistake of posting about it on this blog). the reasons are in the contract. 

then moss tells me i am good with computers and that i should work with computers. with that logic, then people that like animals should become veternarians! people that like fashion should become fashion designers! moss likes computers, he likes the internet, why doesnt HE get a job 'working with computers?' i hear computers are a good species to work for! they are non judgemental pricks, dicks, bitches and assholes, but they are very logical. yes indeed logical and sensicle....moss how bout YOU work with those computers!! i think computers would be autistic, with a bit of aspergers, (i kind of think moss might have a slight aspergers, not a bad thing, he just doesnt get things i dont know...hes too like, takes things literally! or something..idk, he is in his own world..but 'thats what makes him so "crazy" i guess)

i had to work from midnight (actually i guess it was 11 pm to 7am!) but they texted me midnight. oh hack biscuits who cares they keep changing the schedule...i worked with a new manager, one i didnt work with before. bah she was ok i kept busy but i got super tired and oh.......she said something strange. "i hate people"

um that is exactly what i wrote on this blog! I HATE PEOPLE!

around 330 am i heard her answer for drive thru. it was all fryer orders so i put them all down. it was ordered in a way that brought up my attention. i put chicken rings down, then there were more fryer orders. then more chicken rings, but i had to embellish since the fryers were all used. i was thinking, 'who are the ones who ordered this junk?' do you know that at that time, fryers are being cleaned, so usually, we dont have access to all the fryers!? same goes with the burgers! oh i can reveal some insider information about ordering during those hours at white castle! it might make you uh......(looks around..whispery voice) 'not wanna eat there again!'

oh and, HA! i got threatened by my manager! i also got accused of doing drugs! i dont think this will look good to HR, you know...but whatever. i dont know, harassment is not a good look now dance puppet..working overnight is so odd tho!

the fryer people ordered a bunch of fryer shit, then i heard amber the manager say, "you can go online to fill out applications" so..hmm you order a bunch of fryer shit, at those hours, then enquire about a job. what is this? hashtag #project fryer and inquire...so lame. it made me think stephen colbert was in charge of that funny business!??! (the things the mind thinks of) oh and LOL at being threatened to be 'punched in the face' from my manager. that sure was funny. i said, 'oh dont worry i understand!" oh yeah, that and being accused of doing drugs by the other manager. haha kneeslap!

the other manager is cool, but maybe she just doesnt want me to write about her. im just joking. its just funny, all of this! but yeah seriously, the other manager, megan, called me in to ask what i was doing the other night, and tiffany, (the one who doesnt even talk to me, and shes a manager...) she said something like, 'drugs'. i should of said something seriously. that is some form of harassment. this was the other night'

you know, remember when i said i was driving home, and heard some sort of old fashioned voice, that of a professer, he said, 'if you didnt have to worry about getting payed, what job would you choose? (i have to search through the site to remember plus i dont know what night it was!? i have to look at the date of my blog to try to find it now)...he said, 'if you have a love of jalapenos, why not become a jalapeno farmer, that sort of thing. one of the high school kids that work there happened to say that to me too, like, 'what if you had the job doing something you like to do?" (i kind of found that odd...because i just heard that thought of that) he said he likes to scare people, so he would work in those haunted things...

and then moss with his, 'you like computers so why not work with computers?" hmm, i like sex so uh...so uh...PORN STAR!!! i like frogs, and i like baseball...so uh, so uh....FROG BASEBALL oh i have a funny story ok?

i know this guy from a while back, when i used to hang out with glenn. glenn used to like beavis and butthead, did most of us now in our 30s folk did. so.....this one guy, josh, worked at white castle till he quit. well some high school kid that guy above, he was quoting beave and butt going' heh heh fire' so im like, 'why is he quoting beavis and butthead that was 90s stuff?"

i asked him 'have you ever watched beavis and butthead?" hes like, 'no' i know glenn used to quote them and josh so......that is how i figured that high school guy heard about them through josh. ha! funny...

i want to go out and be goofy! i just want to joke around and be a fun person again.  i mean, all of this targetted individual RUN RABBIT RUN shit is getting annoying!

but anyways, with that logic, if you like something, snap your fingers! then you can get a job with that thing it is that you like! ya know! if you like little kids, then get a job as a priest, or a teacher, or a camp counselor, where you can get access to kids you pervert molester...seems to be lots of them around.

but yah......so now.......what? sigh........oh so the other manager, she said she was stressed i mean, yes, she was given lots of tasks to do. i understand. and on top of that, she is stuck with me! a new person! who is kind of weird! im like, that weird person, that new person, who is creepy. who has spies upon them abroad. who has satanic cults following me. who has been set on the targetted list. who am i? why am i? im weird! i am quiet, but i also will rat you out! *RAT VOICE* RATS OFF TO YA! YA HAR ME! RATS OFF

(insert conan RAHHHHH thing he does) 

i need to get out! so yeah she was like, stressed because stress and stuck with me, the new, slowy dim wit (even tho i do NOT complain about work, i consider myself efficient, i like to work, but at the same time, i need breaks even if a ten minute break) she got stressed and this and that....and said, "i need to punch someone in the face, and seeming your the only one here" she needed a cigarette. i was like, 'its fine, take a cigarette break" then i thought about it. she just threatened me. she revealed some sort of deep set thought about punching me in the face. no i do not think that is funny! i find that a threat!

i need to review the harassment policies and guidelines of that of white castle, because i dont know, i dont think threats and accusations are a part of their policies. i am curious bout breaks as well, i mean, yeah...so.......shrug

im going to to take a shower tho! i might gather more thoughts to share tho...

oh yeah also...more to come first shower tho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need one! 

anxiety attack

for some reason i am so nervous to go to work. its like, i am physically ill at the thought of going to work. i do not want to be around that awful manager, shes a TERRIBLE manager, that or ashley, i just dont want to be around them! i feel so uncomfortable at that place. fuck it. i am quitting. something must be wrong with me, i have terrible anxiety where i feel physically sick to my stomach, its like i am a paranoid mess. i cant take this shit!

the T.I. group i am a part of, well, they do not have the same experiences as i do. they have more of a...i dont know? things being bugged and like, electric stuff going on...who knows?? 

i have never read t.i. type things similar to the shit i experience tho. 

fuck it. i mean, i dont know!?? i feel sick tho and pissed off and i just dont want to fucking go to work! 

sorry but i just DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WORKING AT WHITE CASTLE OK!???!

edit: i should stick around till i get a few thousand saved. its easily obtainable. i like jobs where i can go, do my own thing, and not have to worry about bitches and assholes and gossip losers and being felt like i am a terrible worker when i am THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY WANTS TO WORK AND CLEAN AND DO MY CHORES AND DUTIES RATHER THAN STAND AROUND AND CHIT CHAT!

at the same time, i dont want to be out cleaning and hear laughing because those bitches are laughing at me FUCK YOU

i just want a job where i work alone! and just work and save money! im done! i fucking HATE PEOPLE OK!???! 

gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

almost 2 am!!!

im back! i want a late night snack, i dont know!?? like.....just a snacker!! i did have wendys for dinner but im hungry again. oh, ya wanna hear about my day/night? okay!!!

eck, uh so i went to bed around...mm..late. after my short shift (4 hours AND this weeks schedule was hours cut which honestly i did not mind at all!!! but now it seems my hours are fucking dumb ass hours!) yeah thats right dumb ass hours! i wish my laptop keys were lit up...too dark i cant see. i may order a mini LED attachment for my laptop tho. cuz i cant see!!!!!!!!!!!! and my  tattoos are tight and itchy! and it feels like one of my contact lenses are too strong so im having trouble being able to focus anywhere, which is why i want to have a nice pair of glasses!!!

what else? oh my hair is so plain and boring, i want a bob cut or something that i can blow out or like, i dont know, a new look, maybe stop parting my hair down the middle, but i dont go anywhere, so why bother? i dont even put on makeup for work because well, who cares!??!
so i never wear makeup!! aww marble is sitting next to me. i stayed over mikes tonight because i know marble misses me. i need nicer hair. everything is so bright too!! too bright! ow my eyes!! oh on conan he says they thought bout calling the baby door. i remember lisa wanted to name her baby (as a kid) door key! DORKY!

anyways..itchy tattoo! um...hmm...i slept late, but i wanted to enjoy the day! i mean, i feel so depressed. i sleep in so late, i feel like a gross mess......

we went to delaware water gap. i enjoy enjoying the day but i wish i had someone new and fun to enjoy the day with. i am getting lonely. i just miss feeling like someone cares about me, but i dont take it to facebook for attention like kim does. kim got mad at me. well, she is now talking about dating a ryan reynolds lookalike, then she said she just needs someont to duck tape her mouth shut and fuck her, but then she said her and her 'daddy' that broke up with her never wanted the sex as much as she did. she wanted to be a 'sub' shes putting herself in a term....

red power dress! oh i wanted to bring up a few things!?!??!?? hmmmmmmmmmmm!! its my night off right! might as well enjoy!!!!!!! 

i mean i told her, 'well if you give the impression you just want kinky sex then guys will jump on it but dont get mad when they aint that much into you also i think she is insecure so she uses sex as a way to get attention (oh so typical!)...but she is typical i guess....she thinks because she is single she must go on dates, and do '50 shades of gray- stuff...i mean, its so silly!! me thinks!!!!

its like she tries to convince herself that she is trying to use sex and not the guy but then she gets sad and upset when he just doesnt want her i mean, then dont use sex and expect that you are going to connect with that person on a personal level...dont get attached then. i mean, if you want to just fuck around then fine, but she is getting upset because he dumped her!?? 

but of course, when she needs to be told things to buff up her ego, she will post on fb and everyone will be like, 'your too good for him' or, 'what an asshole' this and that. she only met him two times in real life the rest of the time was her trying to be 'oh that couple' on fb posting in the group about her and her 'daddy' this and that, calling him her boyfriend...i mean, it looks like clingy class 101...(i sound gossipy) so when i say, 'well how did you want him to break up with you? if you both were just talking online the whole time?? did you want him to bring you to a nice dinner and explain to you how most likely you were smothering him and using your sex prowess as a way to trap him? and i know she gets whiny and she admits it, she gets kind of grumpy yet everyone on fb sees her as a chatty cathy comic strip, a 'wonder woman' type that she willingly portrays herself as, a 'we can do it' racketeer rosie or whatever her name is...a common age mary tyler moore of sorts.....trying to juggle her career, living on her own, newly single, and her kids. like she is a sitcom for all of facebook to watch. i dont know yes i know i am being very disrespectful and rude and i am writing about her but so what who really cares.....

aww i would like to have a girls night with her tho or anyone, i need friends. well, i need a real job. and an apartment. i need the year of lori. tyol

im still alive! im alive you see!?? im on planet eearth

kristen ritter just said im a small town girl to beeeee

she really is a bee!??! i dont want to fucking work at that place anymore. i didnt think it was going to be two weeks tho!!

my eyes ughh!!!

oh yeah that 'poet laureate' from so cal is such a mysogynist even tho he worships yoga women but he calls women selfish, arrogant, ego driven, he also compared them to houses or selling houses he was complaining about women on dating sites who get upset when you try to msg or engage them in conversation but maybe they think you area douchebag!

he said, why try to sell your house when you dont take any buyers or something like that i was about to say dont compare women to houses!

hes just a fucking douchebag yet all his women followers try to understand them but he even belittles them and is the one who is arrogant and full of himself. he wants a fit beautiful yoga divine goddess but he doesnt want one who has an opinion and they have to find him as a 'sensitive, smart, intelligent, compassionate, sultry lover' check his fb youll see!??

i have no one to complain about too so i write about it! if i had someone to talk too and who would listen well i would not be a blogging...whatever

i am so not looking forward to working tomorrow and damn i do not want to work with that tiffany 'manager' again...im going to put in my two weeks. this job is leaving me feeling humiliated, extremely depressed, tired and confused.

what!?? i need to take care of my health mental and physical. seriously!

oh we went to visit matt in the hospital. he fell and broke his leg in four different places. i just wanted to express that i am being sympathetic and supportive. i think i am nurturing and can say comforting words like, not to focus and get too stressed out about things just get better heal at the pace you heal at but my dad was talking about his job mike was there too. hes going to be out of work for a while ya know? 

what else what ELSE!?? i want a snack! its 130 in the morning.i dont know what to do? my schedule is so out of wack. 

sex and snack!! i havent had sex in a long time! what is dat!??!?? damn! i forgot how it feels to.....anything i jus forgot!!!

i was going to say more but what does it matter? oh the paul rudd lookalike at the airport thats been reported. yeah, they have lookalikes. yes hannibal buress told people to google bill cosby rape now hannibal is on the radar and a woman came forward writing about how glad she was that hannibal opened those floodgates for her! delighted! now people will know bill cosby for what he is! nothing shocks me tho. i am not like' oh i cant believe it!" i grew up watching the cosby show btw, why was it called cosby show and he was a huxtable? you notice all these sexual predators being exposed!! thats great! (tony the tiger) keep up the good work

although imagine what a scared little child must go through? having forced oral sex on them or whatever, rape who are these monsters who want to hurt innocent children!?? children are little people that need to be raised and taught they are little people!?? they are very smart but why oh why would anyone want to do anything to hurt them? first it was that xmen guy who claims of sexual abuse then kesha, stephen collins, mama june dating a molester, bill cosby even comedian spanky saying that tyrese had to gravy train to get a part in a baby boy movie..give sexual favors to john singleton and he responded saying this guy will never get work in this town wow!? why get that upset if its not true!??

why am i hungry i had dinner i am cold too!! next week i have a drs appointment and my other thing...appointment that i must be at.

me so hungee also cannot see! i think jimmy stole my change from my car. i had a bunch of change in my car now i have none. really now? i think he might of broke into the house to steal the codeine pills too.

smh...

so many things i want to do! oh yeah print out pictures! i havent did that in oh so long! i want more photo albums!!!

k i have blogged too much!! bye

gematria and thoughts BORING

So........I have been feeling rather depressed lately. Actually, for a very long time. I am not sure what exactly, to even BLOG about, I do not even know why i should!??

for one..this job. who wants to work somewhere where you feel as if you are being whispered about and made fun of, that and the fact that my schedule is not being adjusted to working overnights. i had no idea white castle was 24/7, and i am so over it anyways. express employment called me with more job opportunities, hopefully. i think it was a courtesy call made out to everyone listed in their phone book. i am not sure if they are going to trust me with work, although when i was working , i never called out i was never late, (not true...when i was at the cigar place i was sick and had to  call out including being late due to a flat tire).

i dont think i like people tho. my mom is getting money i can use for schooling, up to 3000.00 so i have been trying to look for training programs. the problem is, i have to think in advance. just because i get trained, will i get hired with a good job? i was mistaken about lincoln tech. see, i figured lincoln tech would be good if i went for pharmacy technician. i thought, it would be fun to work in a pharmacy? well, heartland hired me, and i liked that job, IF...i wasnt made out to feel full of nerves whenever i knew suzette would be around. she was AWFUL! cvs wanted to hire me, but then they told me it was 7.25 an hour!?? um what? i DID NOT go to school for such low pay.....come on!??

now i am considering going back to school but i am so nervous about working with other people. knowing that i have to work tomorrow, (hours that they changed on me last minute...midnight to 7 am) is making me feel sick to my stomach!

i dont want moss to know these thoughts i just keep thinking about things i write about....whatever.

i just want to start chipmunking money away, like i was at the beginning of the year. i was supposed to have more saved up, but things got fucked up and i gained 40 pounds so now i am at a massive 160 lbs, i feel like i am always crying, i am sick of people in fact i feel physically ill when i am around people i dont even want to go to walmart because the thought of being around people makes me feel sick!

today was such a beautiful day and i wanted to enjoy it so i went with my parents to take a walk. i wrote to post on my facebook but my phone died and i guess it didnt post...

hmm so work. i feel very uncomfortable being there. i cant stand tiffany. fuck it i am putting in my two weeks. she is a manager and she makes fun of me. what is this school?



i do all i can to keep busy and occupied, and my ocd or at least my  sense of cleaning up and stocking etc makes me feel like i should do something takes over. i like to be appreciated by manager or a supervisor, and to be acknowledged that i am meeting and going beyond my work duties. some people although, just stand around, avoiding work at all costs, rather to make little jokes and to be gossipy little bitches. they can stand around and chit chat (her and ashley) but whenever i do it, its like ,"ok we should be working " or 'get to work".........its always that way tho. if i just stop and stand around, thats when everyone gets scolded, but here i am trying to busy myself and they run off to sit and look at their phones, chomp on food, talk about contacting tom the dufus who apparently is on their side because he can get weed or something i dont know, i thought i overheard that,,,so i am the only one standing in the kitchen and they are off goofing around and shit. and i do not want to work overnights!

im going to apply for other jobs. i want a day job which will go by quickly, and where i can get breaks. i want  a job where people are respectful and not little bitches, but i guess that is just how these jobs are.

the air was nice and warm, today.i love the scent of damp leaves almost like soggy cereal

whoa whoa whoa stop the presses SQUEALS ON BREAKS!!!

SO..I HAVE HAD A TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE DONE ON ME. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS 18 THO I WAS FRESH FACED AND IMPRESSIONABLE YES I PASSED IT...WHATEVER THAT MEANS. THEN LIFE HAPPENED. I FELL DOWN EXTREME PATHS. NOW, I AM A MESS AND I AM DEPRESS...i feel like i dont matter so now i just have no idea, but since i openly post here, on facebook. because i share my stupid thoughts, because this and that..well guess what!??!

i have a file on me! i have peoples spying on me, reading every thing i write. keeping me down and deeming me unsound...blah blah

in order to get a top secret security clearance you must be compliant.

http://www.federalnewsradio.com/502/3730507/Social-media-could-become-part-of-security-clearance-process

now, i would never pass one. THIS! this is why i feel so paranoid

"well why do you write about everything then?'

do you see what i write about? dribble drabble!


i mean, i write things that go through my mind!

hmm




also, what is gematria? 108 the number 108, what are these codes unlocking!??! brb

boring blog

things i want/need to start doing:

eating healthy (i know, it is hard to cook when it is not my kitchen, the fridge is full of condiments and drinks. and it leaks from the crispers)...

cooking. well.......sigh!!!!

working out again....even work out videos, (there is room in the living room) see, the thing about working out is.....you need to keep on it! every day! AND you need to eat good EVERY DAY! try to eat greek yogurt everyday. its good, it has a tart taste to it. use greek yogurt instead of sour cream, a dollop on salmon, with some dill and lemon, (thats how i make my salmon), use almond butter or coconut oil on your rye toast in the morning, instead of say, peanut butter on white bread. white bread, even whole wheat bread, is actually alot of sugar, which will break down and cause your body to feel more tired. not sure why rye is so good, just know that it is!?? for now, i have this fiber powder which i put in my orange juice. i drink that every morning. also, in the AM, try the new thing, oil pulling. take a little shot of sesame oil, and swish around in your mouth for 20 minutes! who has time for that tho!?? i have no idea!?? i havent tried it but it is something i want to try. it probably promotes the muscles in the neck and mouth tho, so it can help punch away that double chin...HAWAIIAN PUNCH!!!!

here, let me google it. plus i will google the benefits of coconut oil. i used to do a shot of apple cider vinegar before dinner too. dilute in spring water if you think the taste is too acidic. apple cider vinegar is cleansing. and it helps aid digestion. face it, if feels good to know that your digestion is on track. no one wants to keep toxins in their body. 

ok this is what i suggest. see, i have been so.......bad with food. i dont want to blame it on my living arrangements, but yeah....i am! 

when thinking about switching from bad unhealthy eating habits to good eating habits, you must have a clean, organized kitchen, and eating area. 

(girl on modern family wearing a birdcage shirt) the little girl they adopted is repeating memorized lines, therefore making herself sound like a little parrot, not a real little girl. i hate kids in sitcoms, because they DO NOT SPEAK LIKE KIDS DO! they speak like little adults!!! kids DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THAT!! )

I WANT MY OWN PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate hearing heavy breathing/snoring. this cat has asthma and it is so annoying to hear it breathing. its just distracting!!! shut up!

i hate the peircing sound of this telephone when it rings!!! 



BREAKFAST! (the reason why i post about this all the time because if i remember how to eat healthy that means once i have my own place it will be easy to get back into the habits of eating good/working out/taking care of my mind and body..and oh yeah, quit DRINKING!!!  i dont drink nearly as much as i used too, but still ya know? )

BREAKFAST

-rye toast http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=65

Rye's Fiber Promotes Weight Loss

Rye is a good source of fiber, which is especially important in the United States, since most Americans do not get enough fiber in their diets. Rye fiber is richly endowed with noncellulose polysaccharides, which have exceptionally high water-binding capacity and quickly give a feeling a fullness and satiety, making rye bread a real help for anyone trying to lose weight.

COCONUT OIL

even good to rub into skin, use on your hair...

ways to incorporate into your diet 

black coffee helps promote weight loss, but some people, like myself, do not like the effects of coffee. i personally do not like anything that makes my heart beat fast, aside from running on the treadmill or getting that runners high...

a dollop of coconut oil in yo' coffee!! black coffee NO sugar or creamer!

oh......i wouldnt suggest cooking with it tho, just because...i think olive oil is perfectly fine to cook with

so anna the old amish lady called and my dad is talking so loud to her. and it feels so strange to be getting ready to go work at 9 pm!??

ughh i wish anna didnt call! my mom called my dad to pick up the phone. now its distracting me

my life is so dumb. hes so loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its annoying me! i hate hearing noises that dont need to be heard!! its distracting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

FUCK i am so sick of this shit!!!!

i cant think now! i have a half hour. and i cant think clearly. 

other things i want and need to do!!!

paint/draw/design/write

to obtain this i need my own workspace.

the kind of apartment/house i want to get

one that is SUNNY! nice cushy carpeting in the living room, so when i do my weekly chores it will be fun to vacuum. i miss chores. i do! i liked our little apartment in bethlehem. i did like to vacuum and clean up. sprinkle some lavender scented powder on the carpet! nice!!! just clean house smells nice! i love the smell of laundry too. i love the way my kitchen smells when i am cooking. i miss living on my own. im glad my parents dont mind, but i have been here almost a year now, and well, i need to get my own place. you know?

scrapbooking!!! i need to go through womens wear and all my magazines and cut out tips and put them in the scrapbook. i will also make videos and upload on youtube.

now it smells like damp cigarettes in here. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i would just smoke flavored hookah. i need to fix my contact lenses. i cant even watch tv without my eyes getting all weird.

anyways, 

cooking! scrapbooking! designs! drawing and painting! writing!

working out! eating healthy! cooking!

when i go out to eat, i cannot eat those huge portions, nor do i like feeling like a bloat after i eat.

youtube videos!!!! i will share my recipes, jokes, make up tutorials (i want to start playing around with makeup), i also have some ideas too, the temperpedic one, another red wine video idea ((its funny!)) i directed a little quip for 5 hour energy, remember? also the MK ultra robertson blvd white rabbit mask/starbucks and uggs idea....

i need fun friends who have free time who want to help make these videos. i dont have any friends here. i mean, people here are lame-bugs. i have so many ideas! i need creative, like minded people in my life. i also need money to buy a good video camera, and a good pc...etc

everyone my age is too busy with their life. shit its almost time to get going.

maybe i will plan a trip to hollywood and find a girl who wants to do these videos with me. the temperpedic one and the 'fahncy' red wine one...each sip brings forth a more macabre blood stained mouth, while the whole time they think they are being so fahncy

i want MORE TATTOOS!!! a perm! swirly luscious curly hair!!

im starting to feel nervous. work work work :(

they cut my hours. now its only part time. oh well its something!!! at least im getting some money.

boo!!! halloween around the corner too. i wonder if i am going to do anything i have off friday

Sackcloth&Ashes ANTICHRIST THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING

almost 5 am

So......I just can't. I can't do this anymore. I cannot take feeling the way I do at this job. It's just not worth it! ok, so please, allow me to explain...(it is almost 4:30 in the morning but I dont care. I am off work and that is all that matters.) See, normally, while yes, I sigh as I walk to work, it is never to such an extreme degree of uncomfort....ehh..i take that back. i recall a few jobs where i felt levels of uncomfort. one of them was at heartland pharmacy, (where i know i did a good job, but i didn't fall on queen suzettes good side)...and she claims to of been native american? well...whatever LOL.....she was, yeah.......her life will consist of her working 20+ years at the same job, stuck in a world. i mean, i aint puttin down no one with a family, kids, family...this and that, but please have common courtesy and respect for others. we are not all going to be the same ok? we don't all adapt to the workhounds around us, or UNworkhounds......

forget about heartland, i dont work there anymore. forget about the perez hilton lookalike and all those women the lady i used to sit next to at the call center warned me about too, when that guy tried to claim some lady that had her little cubicle played farrah fawcetts sister in charlies company. that was not true fool!

just because i don't play and pretend at work does not mean i am not a good worker. i know i am. ok......i am getting a bit tired, but i still feel exasperated by how SILLY i think people are! from freaking HOLLYWOOD SHIT, THE ELITE, (who seem to think they can just take out anyones life or act all threatening hoity toity when uh huh you dun wronged someone ) what!?? im so sick of silly sillly people being USED! conducted!?? and guess who is laughing!?? YOU know who!!!

yeah so hollywood bullshit, elite, all the way to the monarchy of the castle, WHITE CASTLE that is! heh!

i just want to go to work, my job, and do what i have to do. i do not want to be disrespected or made to feel uncomfortable in any way. i do not care if people want to act silly or what not, but i have been adding up all the wrong with this particular white castle.

see, ok..i see it as a high school job, yes, but also older people work there as well. when i first got hired, the main manager (who is gone on vacation) told me, to come to her if ANYONE makes me uncomfortable. no one judges anyone based on age, race, or sexual orientation, which i agree on thoroughly. now that being said, i am not saying anything bad about those who choose to work at fast food restaurants. i worked at a bunch.

however, when i worked at them, (as i have been working at white castle, i am recollecting and comparing them to other jobs i had working in fast food industry) everything had a specific goal or task to be done. 

this place, is like a big chicken coop! it is not specific at all! for instance, this place doesnt have any law or ordiance. we are not assigned to stations, i mean yes it doesnt get busy, but we all sort of navigate, or rather, gather, in the fryer grill area. and while some of us WANT to find things to keep busy, others would rather chit chat and make jokes, and whisper about how other people are struggling with the cash register, of which has never been properly or thoroughly explained, or given enough time to someone to feel comfortable enough with the buttons.

im tired. im going to continue this bullshit tomorrow. but yeah, i cant! the hours are fucking crazy and i feel humiliated working here.

i came home, looked up at the stars. the stars are so beautiful. i want to study astronomy so that i know each star structure and cluster. i do know the basics, but i would like to know more you know? stars do not judge us. i mean, i know there is some sort of alignment with the stars and the earth, and that the freemasons are the slaves to those who understand this alignment to open up doorways or portals to the other dimensions, but i do not think those should be open up!??

are we really supposed to be evil? is it in mans nature to be evil? conniving? insecure? silly???

i am going to link up some video i briefly seen a week or so back. showing how silly humans are. 

are we supposed to appear and talk threatening, while wearing our robes and smoking our cigars, showing off our beautiful mansions and our outdoor home theaters, or our comraderie with other folks, as we play and conduct a shakespearian like play of crying foul and murder?

who is ANYONE to conclude that they are responsible for the blood of anyone else? blood spilled, on THEIR hands!?? who does anyone think they are, which makes them the responsible one for these doings??

sigh im going to bed. more on this later....

the wicked and delightful issue #3 (synch just heard issue on tv 'racism is an issue'

The Wicked and Delightful 

issue #3

BOOM BOOM BOOM GUESS WHOS IN THE ROOM!??!

HEY YALL WE IS BACK WITH A BRAND NEW SPANKING ) .i dont know!?? this is a lamer! so yah yall i am SO tired! Recently, we google imaged and the new thang is...renee zellweger!??

ok so, i love me my 90s movies! it was a time for me finding myself i guess....young...blah boo bah

i am just...baffled, as to WHY!?? why renee WHY!??! she had been reported responded to the backlash of her new face (so why hasnt molester stephen collins or rapist bill cosby, issue some sort of statement? or, is it a new time....where people WANT to leak information? i mean......oh that would be...DELIGHTFUL!!!) leak! leak away!!!

yes so, renee zellweger. i loved empire records and love and a .45 (although it is a cheesy movie now) back then i was like, DEES IS AWESOME!!! she just had this kind of prissy, cute, rebellious, buxom, pin up quality about her..idk!?? why did she want to change her look? her response to the backlash was very peculiar...ahh heres a link http://wgntv.com/2014/10/22/renee-zellweger-responds-to-comments-about-her-face/

something about finally feeling at peace (why cuz you have a new face!??)

or people dont know her in her 40s? i mean, what is that supposed to mean!?? its not a good message at all!?? like, her old face was her pre-older in her 40s renee? her young renee, or that, her old face never gave her peace?? what, did she hate her face that much she had to drastically alter that!?? what kind of msg is that!?? 

she had body issues...anorexia or bulimia. i dont know her...in her younger days or her 40s!?? i know hollywood is cruel. mean, cruel.......how many jokes about her 'squinty face' did they have?? but she stood out. i mean, even i thought she resembled a pastry puff....

i just wonder, if i woke up, and a gaunt, stoic, frozen ice queen just stared back at me? like maleficent..starring...or a more cheekbone version of me. (old angelina jole/new angelina...old courtney cox/new courtney cox ..who is actually now old.........and her old was young...) oh gosh tis so silly!

heres some pics! heck!!

mean jokes

family guy joke renee

she had a vixenish quality, 90s style!

love and a .45

joey larune adams

look alike

i just felt like crying. if my sister died....she thinks she is dying!? why does she hate me so much tho!? i dont even want to talk to her, she hurt me so much. anyways.

more pics of arianna grande she looks like green beans and almonds

candy child alter also looks like a hook hooker? candy cane..loubs red bottoms/ruby slippers

child bow ribbon programming

pre nosejob

blood

blood

she looked different

now she always looks forlorn with her hair tied up like a belle and skinny string bean......bones in an a-line dress...

im tired......darnet. my blogs are silly i know...i cant wait to take a shower. why did i get these tattoos? i cant afford it really i want to start saving ya know?????????????

ahhh whatevs

blog

so, i got direct deposit pay and i was just thrilled to have some money that i worked for in my bank account! (not just money my parents helped me out with), i decided to reward myself. i felt like getting some tattoos so i msgd todd on facebook and he said he is free tonight. he has been doing all my tats recently cept the first two i had. anyways, i dont know....the thing is, he is a good artist, but he makes them too big, he doesnt size them down. i want smaller tattoos...um...and i dont want all black outlines. i had a smattering of candy tattoos around the weird nj one...candy corn, valentines day hearts, candy pumpkin, what else, a swedish fish outline in red...(cool looking)...but yeah...i didnt really relax on my day off..and it ended up costing more than i thought!??? oh well, now my arm is starting to look like a sleeve.

oh yeah also, it was illuminati night. apparently the one guy who is the owner, eli, is a freemason. (who isnt tho? ppl want to feel a part of something) so tonight there was a mason and compass and eye ball tattoo and his girlfriend was getting tattooed with monarch butterflies. she looked familiar like this girl i knew as kids and i am fb friends with her now so i asked her name. he answered a different name tho!?? but yeah it was freemason/illuminati night i guess. they all have an idea about the ebola thing, but see, i feel its a false flag, designed to scare us. everyone has their thoughts on it tho. 

mickey donatelli called me about working on a show called 'blue bloods'. he said we need to schedule a photoshoot soon and they can get me work. i do miss modeling! i see this girl who posts modeling pics every so often, she reminds me of onemodelplace back in the day. i would save her pics and post them but i dont feel right doing so...her hair is always the same tho!?? like a short, layered cut and now highlights. that look was fine circa 2004 or so......but its like, 2014 now!?? change up your look! i think she is like, 38 years old (her fb says that!??) she still looks 24 tho...i feel like taking her pics but i wont do that LOL

i have tattoos on my arm but if i can get into acting somehow, lol idk!?? i would buy my own tattoo coverup makeup for it. well enough about me...oh i was going to blog bout the spider

la dee da, then about kim...sigh....

so the other night at work, well i first got there, around 5pm, i spotted the  most shutter gross spider UGHHHH OH MY GOSH it was one of those fat scary spiders with the scary AHHH its just i hate those!!! i told them, 'theres a spider!' and no one really did anything. the one guy was like, 'hey whats up' so i was like, theres a spider in the corner so he looked and he said 'oh yeah its smushed now  i was like 'um unless it smushed itself? i just saw it moving' he just walked away. why would i see a smushed spider or even notice it? 

later i told ashley about it. i forgot all about it and i was about to leave. then ashley was like, 'someone get that spider off her back' i thought she was kidding. i was like, 'your kidding right?' and i saw her eyes were all big and she nodded. i started screaming!! it was awful!!! so the manager like flicked it off and stepped on it. ashley said it looked poisonous too. what. the . fuck!?? i was the only one concerned about it why did it have to end up on me!?? 

man!! ya know!??

ok so kim.........she is so insecure. she constantly posts selfies! she always seems to need constant compliments and reassurance. she even admitted it she likes the compliments and attention. she even posted a gym selfie! i mean, to be honest, posting selfies all the time is called fishing! fishing for compliments! i mean, everyone feeds her ego, 'you look great!" 'hot mama', 'ooh sexy' you know, cheesy guys with cheesy lines, and girls who dont feel threatened, 'you go girl' (still upset at how lisa told me i post so many selfies for attention um NO!! not even! i used to do modeling and i had fun doing it! i want to do more shoots! i actually have some modeling shoots but i am always at white castle.)

we are part of a secret group for swingers and what not, sexy pics (she added me to that group lol) i dont ever post there i just see the pics and posts ppl do.. so i would constantly see her posting sexy pics to her new guy she would always call 'daddy' equivalent to the oh gawd not again! annoying couple scenario. in fact, it came off as sort of needy and clingy ya know??? 

she told me that her new guy dumped her and i asked why she didnt know? i kind of think i know why tho!? shes too insecure and uses facebook and her secret group as a way to get a constant stream of compliments and attention (even tho im sure ppl get annoyed at seeing anyone constantly post selfies!!) she met him on some group, probably acted sexy with him (i mean, she does have a collection of dick pics) so he was thinking, 'ooh easy lay' so of course its all new and he visits her....then she gets annoying...(she kept texting me and it never ends!! its a constant stream of fb msgs) why am i blogging about all this!??

i dont know!?? i tried to suggest it to her like, maybe this and that oh who cares!?????????

my thyroid feels all weird. why did i get these tattoos now? i get all these emails about being a brand ambassador 20.00 an hour but these jobs are so far away!! newark, paramus, NYC...i mean, i would do it but my car sucks! its pt hours, like 3-10pm passing out flyers and brochures. i would do it tho! also photoshoots are like, 400.00 a shoot. im stuck at white castle now.

i would like to get back into modeling and some promo work, brand ambassador and tv show stuff, i mean, donatelli modeling wants to be my agency..i just need to do a shoot but i dont have business clothes, casual clothes, scrubs, you know, stuff that shows a vast array of looks! i would need to invest in all of this! plus im tattooed!? i need to get a haircut too. i just hate white castle tho. im too good for that. jk i dont know!?? its a job ya know? but it hurts my back, and we do not get 15 minute breaks.

i just want to be happy, and i want to get there, ya know!?? i want my own comfy cozy lil' place! i want my own style! i want to do modeling and photoshoots!

i want to write! i have so many creative endeavors i want to endeavor!! sigh!! i would so decorate my place up so freaking cool! and do my artwork!!!! and invite my parents to dinner! i want friends! a boyfriend!? or whatever i dont know.........i just want to feel like a person! thats all babby! a poison!

WHITE CASTLE 1.2

Hi. I am back! alright so...man, i have loads of links to read! oh but first!! (for those of you all who THINK you know me and you just gonna be plain rude to me or make judgement on ME!??!"you dont know me, homie, so show me how you'll blow me..."

now that i got that out of the way!! let us proceed ok? let us...continue, shall we!??!?

DIGNITY. RESPECT. COURTESY. HONOR. 

the list can and will go on. i've been working in solitude, but let me tell you, working also gives me a shitload to think about! and you thought i was done with pt 1? man im only beginning!

GRACE. PATIENCE. ETHIC. MORALE. 

i want you to say these words. go on! say them aloud, if you will. repeat them. think about these words. what do they mean to you? anything? everything? shrug..nothing!??!

ok now let me also tell you, these are all words that you need, when it comes to 'running the country' (ie. the elite?? perhaps? meh...maybe?), or...managing a white castle?

i cannot help it. i have the right to express myself. "no don't do it! heavens no!"

how the heck would the managers of white castle even find this muthafucking (samuel l jackson voice) blog in the first place? hmm??? (rubs goateed chin)

ok, so where did my last blog end at? its like 3:39 am.

i just had a bunch of real being relayed to me. that means, i was losing hope...i was losing hope...for humanity. for life.

and i heard something on the radio. it just spoke to me. it was an old fashioned man...(it was on college radio. princeton 103.3. my phone died so i could not shazam it, but i googled it and thank goodness college radio keeps a setlist of the songs they played! i knew they would!!! it was where i discovered music from 'bands' or whatever from say, coco rosie, uh....i forget...that other one. my phone is dead..but also dream techno or dream beats, as i call it. a jazzy stream of dreamy beats...smooth like a hypnotic beat..chillz...feelin it. great after getting out of a job that makes you feel like a shitty human being. i let it get to me. 

i let this all get to me, and it stays on me like the grease sticks to the walls and ceilings of all restaurants and bars. 

first of all, if you do not want to be abused it any way, i do not recommend getting into the food industry. you will be abused. you will be made to feel as if you are stupid, slow, dumb. you will be yelled at. you will be under stress.

i am not saying this happened to me at white castle, but i can feel it. i can sense being thought of as stupid. i am sure they probably make comments about me when i am not around. which is why i really do not care about this job. its a shit job. well, it is!?? 

management should be run a certain way, and this place is not up to par, it does not follow protocol and procedures. i am grateful for this job. i understand, people are tired. people have families. they don't even fully understand their job titles, they are trying to grasp it, because i sense they were not properly trained. 

white castle started way back! i see all the old timey pictures hanging on the walls. i see a 'tim and eric' esque picture, titled, 'just the boys' of a group of good looking boys, from ohio 1984. i wondered what those boys are up to now. are they grandparents? are they dead? oh what happened to those boys? (they were like, college kids in the pic, 80s style)

college radio had an old timey voice, 'ole timmy, good ol' timmy' naw man, it was like an older, wise professor, i will find it from the site and post it'. listening to him speak moved me. he asked a question, 'if you did not have to worry about money, what profession or what would you choose to do?' are you just working but you are not happy?

i am not happy. i love to multi-task. i love keeping busy. when i worked at mcdonalds, i mastered the drive thru. i got used to it and i felt confident and i was quick and efficient. i mastered the counter. i mastered stocking up and keeping busy. i was still quiet tho, but i got along with everyone fine. 

fuck this job! HEY hey calm down now. dont get on the defensive. im not complaining about anyone, well yes..i sort of am. cuz i know better. i already know what people think of me. i know better than to complain online!! about my job!?? what am i crazy? (i hear the neighbor starting their car and just drove away to work. i would rather be waking up and getting ready for work than to be unwinding..only to wake up late and only have 3 hours to relax. its like, at least during the day i can watch some tv, do my thing. now its like all i have is work and sleep!??! but hey now calm down! i dont have a problem with anyone. ahhhhhhhhhh..........i just.....yawn.....

fuck everybody. people are all a bunch of freaking...ugh i fucking hate people. i hate myself. its almost 4 am!! i dont want to go to bed just yet. its called down time. after work you want to unwind. i just dont want to sleep all late either ya know? these hours SUCK!!

its getting so late...oh my gosh. when my mind wants to blog about something, well, i want too, but its 416 am!?? i havent spoken to anyone, the whole time i was working. well i did, kind of. a few timid laughs i could muster, a few questions here and there, a few hi can i take your orders...

what the heck? so yes, proper training. blah. "well its not that hard to grasp it" no, like i said, i mastered the art of the drive thru when i worked at mcdonalds, but that was also thanks to having mary anne train me. they assigned me to drive thru one day, and mary anne stood next to me the whole time, guiding me. the one manager here, spoke super fast, without explaining anything. um.....

and then they make you feel stupid for not picking up on it. they dont say anything, but i can feel it. 

listen, if i own my own restaurant, this is what i would tell my employees, my peeps, (nah whatever they are) in an encouraging manner. "Good morning everyone! First and foremost, this WILL be a great day! We are going to move forward, we are going to get our customers what they want! and we WILL treat each other with courtesy and respect! No feat cannot be worked through, when you stand your ground on your feet!. Take a deep breath, stand your ground, (on your FEET! your anchor!) and be prepared to prepare your meals! take it on do not get overwhelmed! simply focus on the plate you are preparing. take pride in it"

managers tend to get so worked up and worried, i have noticed lately, that they give up on you and take over, or put you somewhere where you are just standing around like a hovering dodo, with no idea where to go or help, yet wanting to help somehow. inpatient! i mean, yes i would become inpatient too, but people that are just starting do not understand WHY you have to punch the combo meal on a touch screen that looks haphazard. combo 1. first of all, start someone on the register at the counter. "why?" they can speak with the customers. someone can reassure the customer that this is Lori and she is training"

that way the customers will be more understanding, and the trainee can become accustomed to the register. do not just stick them on the drive thru to fend for themselves when they are not yet familiar with the register. for instance, a number 1 combo meal is, i am assuming...4 white castles, with our w/out cheese 'slider' is just a hamburger, which comes with pickles and ketchup. with cheese has well, a slice of mini cheese on it. you can also add or subtract it is quite easy to figure that out. the thing i did not grasp was, (and the one manager explained to me in a very brisk manner without explaining)....

hit 4 then the meal. "um, what!??" i felt like asking!?? i have no idea...today a new manager came in, she said, 'i am good at training' i felt like laughing. oh, HAHA ok then!?? but even as i attempted to use that as an opening of the floodgates, i felt her demeaning me in her mind. later i saw that manager, complaining about how the dining room looked like shit.

they had tom train me on that. tom told me how to do the dining room. maybe if someone *ahem* checked the hot water/sanitizer, they would see that it is empty, and needs to be filled, otherwise yes, we are mopping with just hot water and the remains of the soap or whatever.........i mean, how should i know this? nothing is ever stocked!?? and i had to figure it out myself, i still am...

she didnt think i would be at the back, and i walked back as i heard her say, "the dining room looked like shit" i was like, "what was wrong with the dining room?" because i had swept up everything and mopped up every inch of the floor.

someone mentioned onions and pickles im like, 'i didnt leave no onions and pickles' then i heard her tell the other manager, 'just bitch' (about the importance of cleaning up), 'look at it after they clean up' 

WOW! i cant take this! nuh uh. not for me! i can see why josh just walked out like that. 

im too tired for this bullshit!

DIGNITY. HONOR. RESPECT. COURTESY. MORAL. ETHIC.

im sorry, its not like i am this sort of gung ho loser...im really not. i dont fit in either. im not gonna sit and laugh and be all loud and neglect my ocd or whatever about keeping a clean work station, or by following protocol. i want to work yes. i dont just want to stand around. but what the fruck yah?? howami supposed to act huh!??? like a silly willy!?? like one of the gang huh??

like our gang and shit!?? come on yah...i aint gunna be like dat! also treat me with respect aint like i dont have a personality man i do just dont act that way at work just trying to do things properly too. im not outgoing at work ok? i have always been this way

im just quiet yes i am awkward (i guess), i am paranoid, i look like i am little girl lost, i am old, i am thryoidy......

you know? i have a weird face i know, i have a look on nervosa...

i need to go to bed....

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sighhhh and tomorrow i work from 5 pm - 2a,!??? tsk........i cant do these hours. am i happy i am at least working!? yes i am. but i have no time!!!!!!!!!!! no time at all...smh SHAKING MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh i was thinking of some sort of job. 'what do you do for a living?'

what do i do? i live?? idk, i breathe? i sleep i eat?? i survive..'

if i didnt have to rely on money, i would be creating i would focus on writing and producing them into movies, i would be making fun home videos, i would find a new way of media and  communication, (learning to make my audience feel special, interaction with them, turning them into my minions or mini celebrities)
i would invent my inventions, (such as heated mirrors in the bathroom), i would try to be a joker, i would travel, i would work with wee little lads, i am good with kids i yam! i would learn to cook delicous meals, i would make animations! oh i would do so much! i would direct and edit movies!!! i would make a name for myself!

i would NOT allow disrespect. i would ENCOURAGE ......oh no time for SLEEP!!