faceless

you know what i notice, that since i started using a facebook profile pic that is not a pic, well, i hardly even get responses or replies or comments. when i do use a nice 'selfie' then i usually get more pics. also, its 'ironic' (my friend kim sort of resembles alanis morrisette, isn't it ironic?) she is CONSTANTLY posting selfies...see, i really dont care, but when i see that my sister is liking her pics, i tend to get a bit annoyed. she has accused me of posting selfies all the time, for attention. yet...when kim does it, she 'likes' her selfies...amongst 61 other of kims friends. see, i post pics because idk, who cares!?? and i hardly do anymore, cept when i was in hollywood, but even then i felt foolish doing so...oh yeah, before i forget and get back into the east coast survival mindframe, i need to do the moss post, and the airport post..tsk! see, kim has and is losing weight. plus, she chats with all her guy friends, exchanging "playful" pics with them, flirting with online guys, the like. i dont care what she does, but she does enjoy attention. of course, her nose is in her phone constantly, (i have seen firsthand) and she denies her kids...and i even felt it was rude how often she would be on her phone, the few times i would visit her. so everytime she posts a pic of herself, with classic grinch-like smirk, oh the same retro make-up look she does every day (winged liquid eyeliner, red lipstick)...it is an instant pick me up! dozens of likes and compliments from all sorts of idiot guys and 'you go girl' responses from other girls. yet i still remember how insulted i felt when my sister drunkenly cried out, when i post a pic of myself its as if i am saying, "look at me! look at me!" which is ridiculous! i still remember how she told me that she had people approach her, asking her what is wrong with me, and why am i always posting on facebook!?? and that she herself couldnt even bring herself to opening up facebook in the morning, in fear of seeing my posts!!! yet when someone like kim posts 10 posts a day, 5 selfies, and just talks about 'tyok' (the year of kim)...of course, she likes her comments and posts!


and kim does it because she gets all kinds of attention! i could care less really! honestly, i think most online guys are creeps! most ppl are creeps. im probably a  creep.

and my sister is so humiliated by me. my parents are the sweetest parents, patient with me, and everyday i think of how i am denying them grandchildren. of how i just couldn't stay with the nice boyfriends i had, or had children, gotten married early on. wtf is wrong with me!? instead, look at me, (like lisa says) loooooooooooooook at me!!! 

what have i become!? a joke? a loser? someone to make fun of? 

i used to have hope. i used to be a normal young woman, i mean, i was working, going to school, doing normal things. now im this targetted individual sad sad person...i had potential to be happy, have my own place!!! write my stories!!! have my own style!!! have my heart feel alive, my soul! have a child, find someone who enjoys being with me, and vice versa!?? someone i love, who i am attracted too, someone that i am happy to cook for, someone who appreciates me!?? mike does NOT appreciate me. i need to move on from him...

ugh i hate this! 10 years ago i still felt promising. now, i just..feel wasted. i feel beat up, humiliated.


even last year, i was fine! i was working, i was working out! i was buying myself things from my list. what a difference that 2 year mark can do...from age 34 (when you still feel youngish) to 36 (almost 40)....i mean.......im sure someone is taking delight in my raw exposed feelings...

why am i posting all this online? so what? i really do not care! 

oh i want a haircut like how alicia keyes has it! its short and shaved on the side. im sick of my long, lanky, boring ugly dry hair...i want shorter, bouncy...i also NEED TO MOVE OUT! i need my own place!!! i want to start cooking. 


i woke up early-ish today....to renew my license, so its up to date now!! yay!!!

i called medicaid but sigh.......i should just used nj its too difficult.........i need a JOB!!!!

anyways!??! just ranting. i am not using my photo im using a non one, in a stand for missing aboriginal women. i dont think i even want to put my picture up anymore. even tho someone did ask me when am i going to put my photo back up. i dont mind, but yeah, like i said, since i am using a faceless photo, i have noticed, that i do not get as much responses as i used too!???!

oh well!!