So........I have been feeling rather depressed lately. Actually, for a very long time. I am not sure what exactly, to even BLOG about, I do not even know why i should!??
for one..this job. who wants to work somewhere where you feel as if you are being whispered about and made fun of, that and the fact that my schedule is not being adjusted to working overnights. i had no idea white castle was 24/7, and i am so over it anyways. express employment called me with more job opportunities, hopefully. i think it was a courtesy call made out to everyone listed in their phone book. i am not sure if they are going to trust me with work, although when i was working , i never called out i was never late, (not true...when i was at the cigar place i was sick and had to call out including being late due to a flat tire).
i dont think i like people tho. my mom is getting money i can use for schooling, up to 3000.00 so i have been trying to look for training programs. the problem is, i have to think in advance. just because i get trained, will i get hired with a good job? i was mistaken about lincoln tech. see, i figured lincoln tech would be good if i went for pharmacy technician. i thought, it would be fun to work in a pharmacy? well, heartland hired me, and i liked that job, IF...i wasnt made out to feel full of nerves whenever i knew suzette would be around. she was AWFUL! cvs wanted to hire me, but then they told me it was 7.25 an hour!?? um what? i DID NOT go to school for such low pay.....come on!??
now i am considering going back to school but i am so nervous about working with other people. knowing that i have to work tomorrow, (hours that they changed on me last minute...midnight to 7 am) is making me feel sick to my stomach!
i dont want moss to know these thoughts i just keep thinking about things i write about....whatever.
i just want to start chipmunking money away, like i was at the beginning of the year. i was supposed to have more saved up, but things got fucked up and i gained 40 pounds so now i am at a massive 160 lbs, i feel like i am always crying, i am sick of people in fact i feel physically ill when i am around people i dont even want to go to walmart because the thought of being around people makes me feel sick!
today was such a beautiful day and i wanted to enjoy it so i went with my parents to take a walk. i wrote to post on my facebook but my phone died and i guess it didnt post...
hmm so work. i feel very uncomfortable being there. i cant stand tiffany. fuck it i am putting in my two weeks. she is a manager and she makes fun of me. what is this school?
i do all i can to keep busy and occupied, and my ocd or at least my sense of cleaning up and stocking etc makes me feel like i should do something takes over. i like to be appreciated by manager or a supervisor, and to be acknowledged that i am meeting and going beyond my work duties. some people although, just stand around, avoiding work at all costs, rather to make little jokes and to be gossipy little bitches. they can stand around and chit chat (her and ashley) but whenever i do it, its like ,"ok we should be working " or 'get to work".........its always that way tho. if i just stop and stand around, thats when everyone gets scolded, but here i am trying to busy myself and they run off to sit and look at their phones, chomp on food, talk about contacting tom the dufus who apparently is on their side because he can get weed or something i dont know, i thought i overheard that,,,so i am the only one standing in the kitchen and they are off goofing around and shit. and i do not want to work overnights!
im going to apply for other jobs. i want a day job which will go by quickly, and where i can get breaks. i want a job where people are respectful and not little bitches, but i guess that is just how these jobs are.
the air was nice and warm, today.i love the scent of damp leaves almost like soggy cereal
whoa whoa whoa stop the presses SQUEALS ON BREAKS!!!
SO..I HAVE HAD A TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE DONE ON ME. THIS WAS WHEN I WAS 18 THO I WAS FRESH FACED AND IMPRESSIONABLE YES I PASSED IT...WHATEVER THAT MEANS. THEN LIFE HAPPENED. I FELL DOWN EXTREME PATHS. NOW, I AM A MESS AND I AM DEPRESS...i feel like i dont matter so now i just have no idea, but since i openly post here, on facebook. because i share my stupid thoughts, because this and that..well guess what!??!
i have a file on me! i have peoples spying on me, reading every thing i write. keeping me down and deeming me unsound...blah blah
in order to get a top secret security clearance you must be compliant.
http://www.federalnewsradio.com/502/3730507/Social-media-could-become-part-of-security-clearance-process
now, i would never pass one. THIS! this is why i feel so paranoid
"well why do you write about everything then?'
do you see what i write about? dribble drabble!
i mean, i write things that go through my mind!
hmm
also, what is gematria? 108 the number 108, what are these codes unlocking!??! brb
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