I dont know what happened, i think windows 10 didnt work with my driver, so for a few good days i was not able to get my wifi. i changed back to an older version of windows, but who knows how long this will be good for? i think they do it so we have to buy new laptops and pcs. anyways, my job wants to do something for the veterans. i was only in the army a little less than a year, so i do not really consider myself a veteran. i wish i can go back in time, and therefore stay in the military. i'd go back if i can, but then there are other things i regret too and wish i can go back in time, such as getting married, having kids. fortunately for me, i still look very young. i still feel young, but i know im not 20 anymore, and times a ticking. i dont want another 20 years to pass and i will regret never having children, or getting married. but anyways, so they need a pic of me when i was in the army. i regret not taking more pictures . of course, back then, we did not have cell phones with cameras on them. now, im ALWAYS taking pictures, (which i rarely print)...so now its quite the opposite. i only have a few photos of when i graduated basic training, when my dad took pictures. i didnt have cameras so i really never did take any pics. i mean, i wish i did, yeah. i was looking, well, i was studying the few photos i have, pictures of me and my friends in basic training, just looking at those young soldiers, it just, brings back memories. it reminds me of that time, the way the mornings smelled, the way the air felt, the way being 18 years old felt, that new, weird feeling. i really wish i had taken more photos. i really am about memories and what not, and i love looking at photos. looking at photos brings me up, it makes me feel better. i wish i had more photos of those times, being in high school, and then the army...i started taking pictures after that tho, but i just wish i had more pictures of when i was in the military. being in the military has a certain feeling, different then being a civilian, i dont know.

i want feelings again, you know? i need to be. when scrolling through instagram, going past endless models with perfect bodies, that can make a female feel like, 'so what do i have to do to be perfect?" i mean, take perfect photos, you know? like, fake boobs? small tiny waist? like WHUT??? but then, wtf? does that matter? looking all cute and strange? nah. id rather have my own family. i dont want to be alone anymore.

mike wants me to move in, but hes not the right one for me. i need someone with my same kooky sense and oddball whatevers, or maybe boring. whatever it is i am. i also like weird nj exploring, making videos for MEMORIES!!!! listening to oldies music, dranking beer, campfires, motorcycle rides, fancy dinners, trips. mike sure as heck IS BORING! AND SLEEPS AND SNORES ALL THE TIME! i cant.

i think i will be blogging until im an old lady. sigh

i have a crush on vinny from jersey shore. since i no longer get crushes in real life anymore. shrug.

i lent this girl from work 20.00 and she was supposed to pay me back today (payday) but she says she doesnt have the money. um what?  dont borrow money if you cant pay someone back. i'll pester her on sunday and keep at it till she pays me back.

im DONT lending people money that goes for spending money on beer for cheapskates who never HAVE MONEY!??!?

photoshoot

I did a photoshoot the other day. I have been getting more into doing shoots with my model mayhem account, (I think my omp one was deleted or i have to pay or redo it, they changed it all around)..the shoot was done outdoors in a park in my town, (never even been there?) , it was right down the street where some man shot himself in the parking lot outside the young male italian club...da heck???

but yeah, so this shoot shows how I look now, (at 40 years old), and yes, I have gained weight. I like these shots tho because you can see my native american-ness.

Not sure why he kept all that extra space...weirdddd 

He told me to do this dumb pose, but whatever lol

Neil Patrick Harris On His Twin's Halloween Costumes, National Coming Ou...

at 3:20 seconds about, neil says that whoopi offered to have sex with him in ten years, (when he was 15)...then she replies, 'If I can find it, you can have it." Uh, find what whoopi? your long lost DICK cuz you sposeda be a man and he is GAY!???



shaking my head. what a double standard. so they are allowed to talk to teenagers that way..but..yeah. OH KAY PEOPLE!?????!?!

asmr ideas (for reference)

ASMR ideas

Movie Theater attendant (green screen, popcorn, snacks, tickets)

Waitress 5 course meal, complete with actual food, appetizer, salad, entree, dessert etc

Sugar daddy ASMR, (green screen, costume, explaining the mutual agreement) ..idk, just seems relaxing to hear. 

Welcome to Heaven ASMR (green screen, angel costume, desk, typing, Book of Life, Heaven? Hell? Etc)

Cleaning supplies ASMR (air bnb, cleaning supplies, microphone, good camera, cleaning in air bnb)

Back to School ASMR (back to school supplies. video gets put up mid august NEXT YEAR of course..)

Homeroom teacher, (reading the school menu, menu choices)

Safe and sound ASMR (air bnb with a fireplace, or green screen fireplace, tea, warmth, cozy blanket, etc)

Guest ASMR (making a fresh bed, towels layed out for shower, tea, relaxations)



**** I NEED TO WORK ON MY ASMR CHANNEL MORE!! ****



library ASMR librarian SHHHHHHHH

PHOTOSHOOT IDEAS

pool shoot

colored powder shoot

christmas lights

abandoned church (??)

Fall shoot

Library shoot 

Yeah I had a child young skit for youtube

finally its happened to me skit

I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS! I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP! Mike is no fun because hes not into it.

Redo the Sheetz Mukbang video

Tic Toc Diner Fries Mukbang

make a new smoking cigarettes youtube channel

MEET NEW PEOPLE to help explore, film and work on content!

$PROFIT$$$


film mukbang video in RV tomorrow night

i really want to start EXPLORING!! need someone fun and adventurous in life!!!

poconos abandoned resorts (about 45 minutes from me)

centralia PA

pine barrens NJ

and so much more! plus, i want to get on with my youtube channel!

so YEAHHHHH

BOYFRIEND COOKS ME BREAKFAST!

i think jason is cute. i think i watch these just to get those 'boyfriend experience' ha! jk im being weird. idk but watching him cook for her, kind of reminds me..i think i vaguely remember having a guy cook for me, or play guitar for me...or just..you know, doing something to impress me. gosh, its been so long. its been so long since i have had a guy do something to make me feel good, do something sweet, flirt, i dont know. mike..hes trying, i guess. but should we keep trying if i dont remember?



(no im not going to watch this whole video..just lost in thoughts i guess)..i need a change. i cant do this anymore. what? cant work at walmart, cant live here, where i hear my neighbor hacking a lung or talking all singsong annoying or joyce talking in that copd ridden lung voice..hacking it up. sorry...i...oh my gosh. i really cant.



im trying! im trying to figure SOMETHING OUT! gosh danget. i just..i cannot continue to do this anymore. plus i really want to just get pregnant. whatever.



i also want to travel. i want to write my stories. oh damnet, i totally forgot to start writing today. shit. also want to try to work on a new youtube channel, maybe make a patreon. idk, so much. feels like im just wasting away.



mike keeps telling me about all these jobs but..well, i dont want to be enslaved into commiting myself to a job when maybe i just want to move the fuck away from here. but having my own child is very important to me and so is getting married.



im also being a goof and watching some youtube before i go to bed LOL

oh about jason, he seems like he would have a 15 year old girl get a crush on him, like he would be someones friend, and she would kind of have a crush on him.

also, i used to get payed with this blog, till i was banned from adsense. im getting more and more youtube subs, but im worried that i wont be able to get payed because i was banned from adsense. i mean, i dont cheat with youtube. im really worried about this issue tho.