I dont know what happened, i think windows 10 didnt work with my driver, so for a few good days i was not able to get my wifi. i changed back to an older version of windows, but who knows how long this will be good for? i think they do it so we have to buy new laptops and pcs. anyways, my job wants to do something for the veterans. i was only in the army a little less than a year, so i do not really consider myself a veteran. i wish i can go back in time, and therefore stay in the military. i'd go back if i can, but then there are other things i regret too and wish i can go back in time, such as getting married, having kids. fortunately for me, i still look very young. i still feel young, but i know im not 20 anymore, and times a ticking. i dont want another 20 years to pass and i will regret never having children, or getting married. but anyways, so they need a pic of me when i was in the army. i regret not taking more pictures . of course, back then, we did not have cell phones with cameras on them. now, im ALWAYS taking pictures, (which i rarely print)...so now its quite the opposite. i only have a few photos of when i graduated basic training, when my dad took pictures. i didnt have cameras so i really never did take any pics. i mean, i wish i did, yeah. i was looking, well, i was studying the few photos i have, pictures of me and my friends in basic training, just looking at those young soldiers, it just, brings back memories. it reminds me of that time, the way the mornings smelled, the way the air felt, the way being 18 years old felt, that new, weird feeling. i really wish i had taken more photos. i really am about memories and what not, and i love looking at photos. looking at photos brings me up, it makes me feel better. i wish i had more photos of those times, being in high school, and then the army...i started taking pictures after that tho, but i just wish i had more pictures of when i was in the military. being in the military has a certain feeling, different then being a civilian, i dont know.

i want feelings again, you know? i need to be. when scrolling through instagram, going past endless models with perfect bodies, that can make a female feel like, 'so what do i have to do to be perfect?" i mean, take perfect photos, you know? like, fake boobs? small tiny waist? like WHUT??? but then, wtf? does that matter? looking all cute and strange? nah. id rather have my own family. i dont want to be alone anymore.

mike wants me to move in, but hes not the right one for me. i need someone with my same kooky sense and oddball whatevers, or maybe boring. whatever it is i am. i also like weird nj exploring, making videos for MEMORIES!!!! listening to oldies music, dranking beer, campfires, motorcycle rides, fancy dinners, trips. mike sure as heck IS BORING! AND SLEEPS AND SNORES ALL THE TIME! i cant.

i think i will be blogging until im an old lady. sigh