i am super tired! ughh and i have to work early. i was gonna write some things but im way too tired. its still light out and im gonna go to sleep well i will read a bit of my mr. mercedes book i guess.

Changes

Now that I have a new schedule, (which I am about to start), let's see how this will change and affect my life. I need to do things that make me happy, feel inspired, refreshed. Working at Walmart does not really make me happy. An hour lunch is way too long. Dealing with customers annoys me. I prefer a warehouse job, actually..but it's a job. A job is necessary. Getting out at 5pm is actually too late. I will be super tired, and hungry. I used to get out at 330, and be home by 4. I was able to take a nice nap, then I would cook a good dinner, than I would work out.

I will see how this goes. I was considering marrying Mike, yeah, I was. Am I still? It really hurts and disgusts me, almost, that he makes those comments on Scotti's photos. He thinks I am hot, I guess. I want someone who thinks I am beautiful tho, not hot. Should I be more confident and not let that bother me? Does it show insecurity when that upsets me? I am more worried about how stupid I look, to Scotti and to anyone else. "Oh. You're guy is checking me out. hmm." I mean, if one of my friend's dude was commenting shit on my photo's, I would feel sorry for that person. It is weird and creepy. I can't shake this weird and creepy feeling now. This is enough to just literally drive me away. I hate creepy guys, and in no way am I going to allow myself to be involved with one. Mike says he was being funny. After all that, he was being cute with me, in his way, still. 

Anyways,

I want to paint more often. I want to really do my Rosetta Stone. I want to eat more healthily. I want to start working out. I want to start writing.

I will do those things. I will do more crafts, I will print out photos, (something I haven't did for years!). I will try to find more friends, I will do activities.

I don't even want to live in the projects anymore, but I must say, my house smelled nice when I went back home. My house has its own distinct smell, not stinked. just a weird word..distinct smell...I have been at my parents house, but it was nice when I went home for a bit today. 


I do get annoyed at Joe and Joyce tho. One of them is always on the porch, and I don't feel like small talking all the time, or answering questions.

I AM GOING TO MAKE CHANGES! Just because I am getting older, well, does that mean I should settle? I can't shake that feeling of grossness over Mikes comments. 

ARIANA PETE

I just called Moss a perv, and I heard her call beetlejuice a pervert. (its on tv now)..i called moss a perv because

THIS DAYLIGHT COME scene reminds me of the jersey shore dinners tho

but yeah i said to moss TONIGHTS THE NIGHT

and he replies, 'you are gonna get pregnant by mike'

i was like ew you perv

he says, 'i want to marry mike and have babies' or a baby.

rilly? I MEAN, this is freaking weird.  i know moss hears all the LYDIA DEETS on my blogs, but its quite freaking pathetic and weird.

no im not thinking mike is the right one for me. i think im gonna move back in with my parents, work, save money...cuz renting, i just..its hard to fucking save money!??? i aint marrying mike, or jay. i considered it, in my head (without talking to him about it LOL, well, you think things when you are at work ringing people up)...but like i said, i have no attraction to him so why would i want to marry him? i wanna feel as cute as ariana grande is to snl person pete davidson.

see. this is a cute couple/ shes a lil hottie (even tho shes an mtf)...and hes like this dorky kind of guy, but in a cute way. i like to feel like a lil hottie if i have a cute dorky guy.

im being totes weirdo right now. DAFUGOUTTAHERE!!!

i want these sneakers!

https://www.reebok.com/us/freestyle-hi-x-glow/DV3780.html

also i need to try to get me that classic nes at midnight yooo

Mango millionaire

so, earlier, i went home to do some errands, (and to sit in the AC for a bit)..i put the tv on and it was who wants to be a millionaire. on commercial break, i was scrolling thru insta. i saw the word 'millionaire'. i do hope they freaking...call  me back tho!!?? i want to be a contestant so bad mah!!!

just now, i am looking on mango.com for that neon cocktails shirt i saw in cosmo magazine...(oh my gosh jenni jwoww looks hot. i want nice arms, tat sleeve and nice boobs! breast implants lol!)
 so weird vinny really looks like kevin ..im at my parents so im watching this shit)

i just notice a commenter, named mango

also, moss gave me a link about ron jeremys sexual assault case, jersey shore. they see a figurine and wonder what it was. she says, "a porcupine or a hedgehog"

ron is also the hedgehog. oh yeah moss gave me some link to a hoagie shop in ac AC!?? atlantic city

he thinks that was full circle, cuz jersey shore.

anyways, im gonna start dating again fuck it. mike keeps commenting on scottis selfies, "yowza' and 'hubba hubba;' shit like that. its really embarrassing and quite disgusting. its a turn off. i dont want to be with someone who embarrasses me by commenting that shit on my friends selfies.

i want to meet a guy who thinks im beautiful, not juts hot. i dont want a sleaze just looking for sex. i want a guy that makes me wanna flirt with HIM like dayum he hot!!

i want to meet someone who i want to do myself up for...ooh mama but for real tho...yep! im very picky tho...mm hmm

it is hot inside, but nice out. i want to take a walk or something. so...does anyone else do a blog ? like, trisha paytas makes all kinds of vlogs (i dont watch them all, i cant! how could i ? I wonder if there are people out there that DO watch every one of her videos?) WOW. i have been at my parents house but it limits me. i want to know what the deal is, but i dont feel like sitting through vlogs! (the jason and trisha breakup drama LOL)it would be easier to just READ her thoughts, you know?

MY THOUGHTS!!!

so, i always say i would like to get married and have a family. at the same time, i want to be with someone who i can do fun things with. someone who is open minded, adventurous, and fun. i want a HUSBAND to travel to beautiful lands. italy! greece! ireland! or, even go on a weekend trip to a gorgeous air bnb (there are so many cute, quaint airbnbs). mike, i feel like he, he aint the right one thats just it!??!? >:( 

for a while, i was  thinking about how jay is fun. he would be able to do these things. hes a teacher too so he gets summers off. so for the longest time, i would think about, he would be great to get married too! my parents like him. 

well, i like him alot too. we went to this local restaurant/bar and i had steak fajitas and a summer shandy. then we just came back to my parents house and watched some stuff of amazon and netflix. it was ok. it was a dreary, gloomy rainy day yesterday. i would of liked to sit outside and have patio beers (NOT at my parents house tho)...

but anyways, see...im not ATTRACTED to him. so, really, getting married to someone you are not attracted to, is not fair to both people. i like to drink a few beers, hang out with a guy, get cute and flirty! you know? or just go to the movies, or you know, whatever...

i would like to meet someone. i feel too old tho. and uninspired. i should just stick with mike. i am more attracted to mike than jay, and i feel a comfort with him. i feel a bond. if mike doesnt propose tho, ha! yeah right, i cant see that.

i want a kid tho!!! i want to move out the projects. with jay, he has a house, a nice house on the hill, but the bedroom is so small, its a 3 bedroom. its a nice house yah. but mike and i can find a house in the country. it will be MY HOUSE!!! 

and i will provide. you know, be a lil family. aint gonna stop me! i will still go on my trips!

im also bored of drinking. i have been drinking past few nights, but i stop. i do not continue to drink. i stop past a certain point rather than getting all sloppy. no hangovers for me!

So, if you do not doll yourself up for your guy, or a date...or a guy, yeah, well, pay attention to it! Means that you are not putting in the effort, means you are not attracted to them so you are not trying. Be with a guy that you do your makeup for, your hair, wear a cute outfit for. and not trying to sound anti-feminist, but if are doing whatever it is you do that makes you feel 100, then you know the guy (or girl) is the one who thrills you. you want to feel sexy, sensual, awesome! confident! beautiful! etc etc etc!!! ya know what i mean?

reason why i am saying this, well, alot of reasons. for a while...i cant really explain it all now. im going out with jay tonight. while he is a great guy and we talk about alot, im not doing my makeup or doing myself up. im wearing my glasses. this tells me i am not...well, im not attracted to him! im not attracted to mike anymore either.

so jimmy was here, he came up for a beer, but he ended up taking 4 of my beers!?? and he was never leaving!??!? he kept talking about talking and i was getting more and more irritated.

i just want a nap. i should of saved that beer for myself, hang out BY MYSELF TONIGHT. i dont know what jay and i are gonna do, go out to eat. but then...i dont want my neighbors seeing all these guys, like jimmy was here, now jay. its weird!? oh and last night i went to riverside with 3 guys. um, jimmy later was telling me those two guys were talking unsavory about me. i knew they were. they were the kind of guys who talk about what they want to do to girls. you know? jimmy told them to stop that tho. he said 'loris my friend. dont talk like that about her' .but he also went along with me being his girlfriend, because someone asked him if i was his girl, and he played along with it!? im not his girl!??

what happens when i go to the riverside party with mike now? imma look like a big HOE BAG! nawww it aint like that!?? i dont give a shit, but at the same time, i do. i worry.

its a normal thing. blahhh

So I am catsitting. My parents are heading up to Senneterre. I am staying at my parents. It's nice. I miss staying here. I brought Marble over, and she is just chillin. Last night, I came over after work and a nap and a meal of shrimp I prepared last minute. I just intended to chill, relax etc. Mike said he was gonna come over, and he brought some beer. I put on Baywatch on amazon prime. Well, he falls asleep. I asked him for another beer and he got all mad and woke up and left. I am just, over him. After this trip, that is it. I can't try anymore. People just move on. Idk...

so on my days off, I am going to make some vlogs, snapchat style. I am going to film a tour of Brainards, hang out by the river with Jimmy probably, grill, drink beers, build a fire. Make a video to upload. what else? idk..

I still get emails from Playboy. Don't they know I'm aging? I am no longer in my 20s, soon to be 30s!?? But anyways, I actually send a request about joining the Army Reserves, (why not? Its only one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer, aside from basic training and MOS training. but i would for sure go back in, if I can!) also, planning a wedding...soon. with who tho?

Vegas this weekend June 22-24.

Fri 6/22 –VIP Table at Omnia ‘Calvin Harris’ Sat 6/23 – VIP Cabana daytime at Encore Beach Club ‘KYGO’.  Sat 6/23 – Have VIP Table at XS ‘Diplo’.  Sun 6/24 -Table at Wet Republic or EBC then back to LA.

Booking 6 Models to host VIP Tables. Rate: 250.00, plus Comp rooms at mansion and Caesars Palace, dinners, Limo to events over the weekend, Driver to Vegas and back & Gift Bags . 21up.

Email IG link/ City to RSVP. If you’d like to bring a girlfriend include IG:   Sam@SamRhimaCasting.com   Subject: Vegas

APES**T - THE CARTERS

I just think its funny how Beyonce is trying to sound all modern now, like Migos and whoever else is hot right now. And I swear, now that I see it, who is the XX chromosome and who is the XY!?? Beyonce is the man, and Jay-z is the WOman! Its so easy to spot now!??!?

AN EVENTFUL VLOG

I just went to check out that skylars channel, and i see ed sheeran (FTM) so i click, so that i can spot a true female to male, HIDDEN SECRET transgender, with this girl who is supposed to be an out TG...sigh...the editing skillz tho, i mean, NO skills. young people today...they are annoying af! ok, so part of me is envious that young people have all the options that they do. i am very much into memories, but these big youtube stars and what not, i feel like they are just manufactured. they are fake, not real. i mean, they were bred into this. making videos so that other young folk can watch and think this is life. well, you know what? i do wish i had all these tools to film and make fun videos, since i was a kid. i know it shouldnt matter, but it does. like, whenever i look through photo albums, with pictures i actually had printed and developed (i havent printed out pictures in a very VERY long time)...it makes me feel better. it brings me up. i wish i had a camera phone back in my high school days, to film my friends (i wasn't very popular, actually. i was really quiet and weird...) but i still wish i filmed things as teenager. my dad always had a camcorder, and there are videos of us when we were younger, i just have to go through them. i wish i took more pictures when i was in the army. you know, being out in monterey california, driving out to the beach with fellow army marines, airforce, navy. we used to have bonfire parties on the beach! it was all branches of the military learning different languages at the presidio of monterey. a navy seal had us over to his house for a party he was in our spanish class and we all went there. he was showing us videos of their training. we used to hang out behind the barracks, in this hidden little spot in the woods, campfire, playing guitar, singing, drinking beer. we would hook up the playstation and play crash bandicoot with ming chanticoon, (for real, one of the girls there), while we were on HQ duty, or CQ...we would party in the barracks, it was just like a dorm. we would all walk down the big hills to the E Club, and play pool and i would have someone sneak me drinks. i used to go to youth groups at the annex, i would eat fried shrimps at the chow hall...i would look to the blue skies, (while hearing that song in my head) , while weedwacking and detailing the hills on base. see, all of these are memories, but they are memories IN MY HEAD, and no where else. they are memories that were never captured, yet not quite escaped. i remember them, but only in my head. they are not on a youtube vlog anywhere.



sure, i try to film stuff now, but its not the same. i filmed while on trips with moss, new orleans, vegas...but, its with moss, so who cares. does he not understand, that well, i was not really enjoying myself to the fullest. hes not someone you actually want to enjoy life with. i want escapism, i want to feel emotions. i want to feel alive.



it's also different when you are older. should it be? no, i think older people enjoy life as any other. its about who you surround yourself with.



mike, he doesnt do it for me. i really cannot see myself with him for the rest of my life. more on that later. i feel like i want change, i want to be happy, but i cant settle. he is in the other room, sleeping and snoring. yeah he worked. but really. walmart didnt approve my days off for vegas with him now. i dont know what i am going to do. i have to still go.



i need to do what makes me happy tho. fulfilled.



(this video log or whatever...dumb. too much editing and sheer stupidity)



it was kind of fun to watch tho. makes me wish i had those opportunities

WE WERE BOTH BORN BOYS???

some say that jazz is not really born a boy, but is a  true girl. and the other one...im just throwing this video up as an instructional sort of video, just to show how they do look like girls. the blonde even resembles an actress, sort of looks like my 2nd cousin bailey...actually (who is gay).

90s perfumes
beverages
library books

hanging

Yes think about it, how many people do you actually know, who just kill themselves? The hanging may be symbolic, of silencing someone. the throat / thorax.

mikes good friend christian hung himself. i have a weird feeling about all that tho. he was involved with some pretty shady people, involved in scamming. he was a chiropractor and met a group of others, (its all in articles somewhere, i will have to look it up)

him and weston were freemasons too. i am wondering, oh, westons dad is a satanist. weston is rich and succesful.

the rabbit hole goes deep. this happens in real life too, not just celebrity. of course, im only saying. i am not saying i believe...its just a thought i had, while watchting that video.

anthony bourdain swallowed a beating heart tho! a snakes heart. while. it. was. still. beating....

A WEEK OF COINCIDENCES OR SOMETHING MORE??? (ANTHONY BOURDAIN & KATE SPADE)

dude! not to mention that blatant SUICIDE note on his girlfriends mirror (one where she is holding her son)...

Ritual

I know its last week, but its still an issue. Some instagram photos from anthony bourdain. red scarf. hillary clinton. now shes seen wearing huge scarves. suicide by hanging.  asia argento was bourdains girlfriend. andy spade has weird photos of his daughter floating in the water, (levitation, dissociation theme)

red shoes, dorothy in oz

JOY DIVISION also seen in alexs room, 13 reasons why (i just notice things)

the bruised eye club

Dylan Minnette

so, while looking for theories, I see a picture of young dylan minnette (who played clay jenkins on 13 reasons why). he has no brow ridge. i mean...i believe he is trangendered, and watching the after show discussion, the producers and such are. women with male skulls and vice versa.

good show, but i believe there is more to it. 13 is also a very occult number.

this is a little girl. 

my friend andy, when i was in the army, he was a marine. i wish i still had the photo of him in a uniform. missy took it and never gave it back. :( kind of looks like clay, in the show.

i wonder....oh yeah, the guy who plays bryce looks like jims kaplin a bit. mike said that. jims.

um..yeah...thats, thats a girl. WHY NOT ADDRESS THIS? THIS IS SEXUAL ABUSE! NOT EVEN GIVING THESE PEOPLE A CHOICE? TRANSGENDERING THEM WHILE YOUNG, ABUSING THEM? yeah, thats the truth.

13 reasons why season 2

SPOILERS

things I noticed: & ;

the priest is the actor who was raped by that rapist...kevin spacey.

tyler says, "me too"....#metoo movement..

I spotted the & symbol and the semicolon , in a few hidden spots.

i think he was in a program getting MK'd...and...the whole transgendered thing (not in the movie, but i do feel like most of the actors ARE or have been)

i have to read the theories now...

also, seeing them in court testifying, especially about sexual assault, brought back when i had to do that. i had to be in court, on the stand, and testify against the man who sexually assaulted me. was it hard? yeah...but i felt like i was just...it was weird. i have to write about all that.

this sounds awesome

wish i could do it. i'd airbnb a place up in the hamptons.

Hello! We are looking to staff a team of outgoing, reliable and energetic female models/brand ambassadors to work the US Open Golf Tournament at Shinnecock Hills Golf Club in The Hamptons next Monday through Sunday (6/11-6/17). You will be representing a popular sponsored beer brand while passing out giveaways, sampling beer, assisting with the game, welcoming guests to the event space, and making sure everyone is having a great time at the activation. This will be a fun one! All staff must be TABC Certified and have reliable transportation to/from the Hamptons each day. If you know any female models that you think may be a good fit and interested in working all days of this event, please have them email their info below as well.
Rate: $2,450/event ($30/hour + $50 per day travel bonus)
Important Transportation Information: This location Is Chinnecock Hills Golf Club in The Hamptons is 90 miles from NYC and 67 miles from Hempstead, NY. Please GPS this location/map your potential commute prior to applying. All staff are responsible for getting themselves to and from the event each day. After looking up the train info, it appears as though the train may not get you there until after the event begins. If you would need to take the train, please check the train schedule and confirm that works for you. Driving is preferred and you will be given $50 per day travel bonus ($350/travel bonus total).

If you are interested in working this event, please click APPLY and email jboland@ascenttalent.com – Please include the following information:
1) Name
2) Phone Number
3) Promotional/Brand experience/Please list any beer band experience, if any!
4) Picture/s (Please attach a few head shots/body shots)
5) Availability (Please be specific – If you are available to work all dates, please put ALL)
6) Is the Hamptons an okay location for you? How would you be traveling to/from the event?
7) Are you TABC Certified? If so, what is the expiration date of your certification?
*Please put HAMPTONS GOLF EVENT in the subject line
 

Event Name: Golf Tournament/Beer Promotion
Event Location: Hamptons, NY

red scarf

Kate Spade was found hanging, from a red scarf (sacrifice)

now anthony bourdain supposedly hung himself. other ones were found with a red scarf. this is eerie, one of kate spades designs for gap kids, shows a boy with a red scarf and mickey mouse type hands, (kates husband was seen wearing a mouse mask today..in fact.

levitating girl/dissociation.

porcupine needles../??? hmm...

folks this is not normal suicide...these are ritual sacrfices.

her suicide note said, "ASK DADDY" to her daughter. um why? and the mouse from the rescuers, (the mask is of), wore a RED sweator thing..her husband is david spades brother? this is just getting weirder the mask looks like a red scarf and he looks like a mouse plus he is wearing one red shoelace CAN YOU BE MORE BLATANT?

(neighbors of amy winehouse heard screams and weird drumbeats the night she died)

did he kill her? or wasa involved?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5817243/Andy-Spade-leaves-NYC-apartment-wearing-MOUSE-mask-two-days-wifes-suicide.html

yeah it was weird because i made that transvestigation about trisha paytas and jason nash and he said that. anyways..whut else....hmm i dont know?  oh yeah, kate spade died. at first, i thought she was kate bush...

well, kat von d just had a wedding with upside down crosses and a red theme, eyes wide shut esque. (its on her instagram, i dont feel like finding the pic mehhh)

then kate spade commited suicide? so when i googled the term, "a spade is a spade" this is what came up:

To "call a spade a spade" is a figurative expression which refers to calling something "as it is", that is, by its right or proper name, without "beating about the bush"—being outspoken about it, truthfully, frankly, and directly, even to the point of being blunt or rude, and even if the subject is considered coarse, ...


ok me again...beating around the bush, kate, kate bush. i am grasping at straws i guess, just stood out to me.

The name Kate is a Latin baby name. In Latin the meaning of the name Kate is: Pure, clear. Form of the Latin 'Katharina', from the Greek 'Aikaterina'. It was borne by a number of saints, including St Catherine of Alexandria, a 4th century martyr who suffered torture on a spiked wheel.


Hmm..interesting.?? so anyways, there was a synchronicity yesterday. mike wanted me to watch 13 reasons why at his house. reluctantly, i watched an ep. we watched it in the basement. this particular episode, was them in the basement. the stairs resembled the stairs in mikes basement, the stairs that marble loves. they were also sitting on a persian rug, which very much resembled the one in mikes basement. they were even talking about infinity, and a moment in time. i tried to tell mike this but he didn't get it. i told him, 'this is a sychronicity'. it took him a while to get it.


so anyways, i put in my 2 weeks at walmart, but WHYEEEE!?? i will be ok. you see. i will be fine. i am going to find a temp job in the meantime. i just want to enjoy my summer. for 2 years i have been working nights. for a year i have been working weekends. im sick of it and im done! i just want a little break before i figure out what i want to do with my life. 

The Romantics - Talking in Your Sleep

i just watched this video (well, not yet) there is a marilyn monroe) i think...that little *nod* , plus jason nash also said , "blacked out" ...he made a comment about talking in your sleep, which made me think of this video. i think there is MK programming and MM programming with TP..and even him. this so weird

secrets

THATS THE LOOK OF LOVE
WHEN YOUR TALKING IN YOUR SLEEP!

surprise announcement

so around 5 minutes and some change, he says, "Im a woman stuck in a mans body"...WAIT HOLD UP!!! (loud annoying horn thing) before that, he said, "Ittle be alright." The way he said that, reminded me of 'iterby be alright," my little inside joke for itrium, the essence for phosphorence, found in those whatever you call them lights. i added that joke to my 5 hour energy thing i shot with jay and his students. it was all MY IDEA i am the one who WROTE THE SCRIPT, I DIRECTED IT, I PRODUCED IT ETC ETC ETC I EVEN ADDED IN THE INSIDE JOKES THAT WERE MEANT TO BE SUBLIMINAL! maybe one day i will explain it on a youtube vid or what not. trish is a good actor. he says that, i had my 5 minute maniacal laugh, then its back to normal for the vieweres. trisha acts oblivious, ETC ET CETERA ET CETRA....well, she starts talking about her album. in my video, i threw in one of her album covers and called it her TAM album (tam for transparent anatomical manikin) and in the video, she says its TAM for it (time) but it sort of sounds like TAM so i figure that is a subliminal message meant for only me to understand...yeah i am the one going down the rabbit hole again, gee this is fun

Trisha Paytas Transvestigation (Jason Nash Reverso Couple)

Holy shit!!! HAHAHA!!! DID THEY FIND MY VIDEO I MADE OF THEM, CUZZZ...THEY BE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THEIR NEW VIDEO. i stopped it after jason made his announcement. be back later with more details! shit this is weirdly hilarious and stuff!??!

whoa vicky
daddario
that poppy
nicole arbor

(transvestigations i need to make)

Jennifer Love Hewitt Reveals Her Pregnancy Workout Regimen

this is really weird. so, that is her pregnancy belly? um...doesnt look right. no stretchmarks? uh because its FAKE! also, jennifer says, 'moisturize, for first time mothers' but then they say this is her second pregnancy, so why did she act like shes a first time mother? she says she wants to indulge with cake, but she hasnt had it yet. she was so specific about the cake too, i mean, this is just weird weird FAKE! its all fucking fake. holllywood...



i am really ready to just toss my bc and get pregnant for real tho. i mean, of course, mike and i would have to get married. i just want that right as a woman. yeah, a real woman not a kesha woman.