I just went to check out that skylars channel, and i see ed sheeran (FTM) so i click, so that i can spot a true female to male, HIDDEN SECRET transgender, with this girl who is supposed to be an out TG...sigh...the editing skillz tho, i mean, NO skills. young people today...they are annoying af! ok, so part of me is envious that young people have all the options that they do. i am very much into memories, but these big youtube stars and what not, i feel like they are just manufactured. they are fake, not real. i mean, they were bred into this. making videos so that other young folk can watch and think this is life. well, you know what? i do wish i had all these tools to film and make fun videos, since i was a kid. i know it shouldnt matter, but it does. like, whenever i look through photo albums, with pictures i actually had printed and developed (i havent printed out pictures in a very VERY long time)...it makes me feel better. it brings me up. i wish i had a camera phone back in my high school days, to film my friends (i wasn't very popular, actually. i was really quiet and weird...) but i still wish i filmed things as teenager. my dad always had a camcorder, and there are videos of us when we were younger, i just have to go through them. i wish i took more pictures when i was in the army. you know, being out in monterey california, driving out to the beach with fellow army marines, airforce, navy. we used to have bonfire parties on the beach! it was all branches of the military learning different languages at the presidio of monterey. a navy seal had us over to his house for a party he was in our spanish class and we all went there. he was showing us videos of their training. we used to hang out behind the barracks, in this hidden little spot in the woods, campfire, playing guitar, singing, drinking beer. we would hook up the playstation and play crash bandicoot with ming chanticoon, (for real, one of the girls there), while we were on HQ duty, or CQ...we would party in the barracks, it was just like a dorm. we would all walk down the big hills to the E Club, and play pool and i would have someone sneak me drinks. i used to go to youth groups at the annex, i would eat fried shrimps at the chow hall...i would look to the blue skies, (while hearing that song in my head) , while weedwacking and detailing the hills on base. see, all of these are memories, but they are memories IN MY HEAD, and no where else. they are memories that were never captured, yet not quite escaped. i remember them, but only in my head. they are not on a youtube vlog anywhere.
sure, i try to film stuff now, but its not the same. i filmed while on trips with moss, new orleans, vegas...but, its with moss, so who cares. does he not understand, that well, i was not really enjoying myself to the fullest. hes not someone you actually want to enjoy life with. i want escapism, i want to feel emotions. i want to feel alive.
it's also different when you are older. should it be? no, i think older people enjoy life as any other. its about who you surround yourself with.
mike, he doesnt do it for me. i really cannot see myself with him for the rest of my life. more on that later. i feel like i want change, i want to be happy, but i cant settle. he is in the other room, sleeping and snoring. yeah he worked. but really. walmart didnt approve my days off for vegas with him now. i dont know what i am going to do. i have to still go.
i need to do what makes me happy tho. fulfilled.
(this video log or whatever...dumb. too much editing and sheer stupidity)
it was kind of fun to watch tho. makes me wish i had those opportunities
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