US Army Airborne School, Fort Benning, GA

so my little nephew (well, my cousin marys son)...said after college he is going in the air force, where he will be a lieutenant of some sort. also adria says she is going in the airforce. i really am so envious you know? my other cousin, natalie, her daughter niomie went to school for graphic design and she actually works for disney movies and all kinds of big name movies. oh man, i remember a time when i graduated high school and my future was bright and full of hope. so anyways i was trying to find legit army soldier ASMR (most are tacky and not true to the military)...i think asmr would be having us get our uniforms, eye exam, shots and hearing test and get our rifles and gear and canteens etc...because it will capture those feelings of when someone was in the military. anyways, when i was in ft benning WAY Back, MTV filmed there and i ALWAYS well not always, but occasionally, try to search for it to find it. simon rex was there too. but i found some footage from the 90s, airborne school. even watching this...it kind of takes me back. i remember the smell of the fields. anyways...i should write about it but not this way. i would actually have to take time out to write GOOD!!!



what else? yeah, even tho i am engaged, i sort of feel like i have nothing to look forward to anymore. its like...life has lost itself on me. should i give up? on trying? no because i want a kid and plus i am going to really start writing about my experiences as well as my other story ideas i have had brewing for quite some time. i have too.

Poppy - X (Official Music Video)

IVE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!!! hey so poppy signifies heroin. i think poppy is going to be the one to be like, hey yall im actually a boy. ive been trolling yall! and everyone will clap and applause because they are infatuated with this thing. poppy is an experiment, also you can see her 'death metal' persona signifying how death metal is just a silly experiment.

"Juno" What Time It Is: Ellen Page Transvestigation

i see this redhead actress in this new show (im watching the miss universe)..she used to be on under the dome. actually, jay and i used to watch that. i actually hung out with jay quite a bit. he gets me. we connected quite good but...shrug. anyways, see, i always saw this actress and would think, 'she looks like breakfast. eggs specifically.' she reminded me of eggs. scrambled, specifically. scrambled with ketchup. maybe its cuz that is what he would make me after we hung out all night, drinking and youtubing. its ok tho. although, if i were to say that to mike, he wouldnt get it, in fact, he wouldn't even think it was cute. 

i feel like i am unintentionally creating a world where...i dont know? oh well, im doing it. although with jay, i tried. i didn't feel attracted to him. i don't really feel that way about mike. well, i feel like, i just wanted one date with that bley guy. just a date! nothing serious! now that wont happen. 

ok i need to stop drinking and blogging oh boy this candle smells delish. it took about 2 hours! i wonder who will be miss universe. i havent really came up with a fave

trans miss universe?

So I hear that Victoria's Secret released a statement about never using a transgender model in their shows. Jokes on us, cuz, they are ALL transed. This was to condition us into believing those things are real women. They are NOT! (I am going to make a video about this on my transvestigation channel.) I am not against transgender, I am against the lies and deception, (victors Secret!)...so now Miss Universe is saying that Miss Spain is the first transgendered contestant. Wrong again! I went on tour with Miss Universe 2005 natalie glebova. She was tiny. she was really shy too. timid almost. I never thought once she was transgendered however. Fast forward to following year. The Miss universe winner went on tour with sanjana. she is the woman in the despacito video, however...that one..that one screams mtf...

anyways, you cant judge me. im just trying to do my life.


here are some pictures tho:

Drinking red wine is a patient gift, rewarding the senses after a few slews. Life is a virtuous cavalcade of choices, winding paths and forked off bridled trots, life is a highway. 

How does life start to unwind, how does it start to break down to slowly reveal the final plot? The ending of a twisted, bunched up wad of memories, synapses and illusions? 

We are in the present now, sucking up everything around us. Hoping we are doing things right, wishing we could break outside our barriers but forever choosing to be encrypted within the world we created.

FirstWatch: Cellfie - A Prison Cell Tour

oh my gosh, how the? what? he's cute tho..ha!

update

Yeah so, Shannan had mentioned that she wanted to hang out last night. Hobo Jimmy messaged me, saying he was hanging out with weird Wayne. I did not want them to come over. I have had issues in the past with Wayne, and Jimmy can be really obnoxious and annoying. I figured tho, since I was going to be at Shannan's, maybe THEY can buy beer and we just hang out there. So they stopped by, and we went to Shannan's, but she was sleeping the whole time. She was putting her kids to sleep but she was asleep the whole time pretty much, so we walked back to my house and hung out here for a bit, but I could not handle Jimmy's childlike antics so eventually they left. Wayne has asked me out on dates in the past, but gotten very nasty when I told him I am not interested. We got along fine last night, but it was so hard to talk to him with Jimmy being very loud and annoying. I found a slew of texts from Wayne this morning, saying we should hang out. I proceeded to tell him that I am getting back with Mike and I do not think it would be good to hang out with a guy alone, and that I am going to start telling Jimmy that we cannot hang out anymore as well. Of course, Wayne got huffy and started being rude again, and apparently called Jimmy to inform him of what I said.

Here is the deal with Mike and I. I decided I had my last straw with him, when he got up and screamed at me like a madman when I woke him up because he fell asleep and started snoring. Here is the deal. If I decide to be with Mike, it will be like being with a senior citizen who cannot stay awake past 6pm. Not fun!

Jay has been interested in me for a very long time. He is a really fun, smart, respectful,caring guy. He is a chemistry teacher at my old high school, (he was actually a teacher when I was a student there lol..weird, I know..), he also is a science fiction writer, (google Jay Werkheiser)..so, every time Mike was a dick to me, I would think about how nice Jay is, so I decided to give it a try with him and date him. He came over with pink roses one night and we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday. It was nice. Then we came back here and he watched me play my game, "Beyond two souls",and then he went home, (this was on a weekday). We had plans to go see The Nutcracker at the movie theater, for that saturday. It actually fell through because of Mike. I didn't tell Jay tho. This past Saturday we had plans and went out to eat. I told Mike about Jay too. We went to eat at a fancy restaurant called The Bayou, then we had a drink there and then we came here and hung out and had a few beers and watched youtube. We had plans to go to the walker stalker convention the next day. (He slept over because we were drinking, he slept in my bed and I slept on the couch.) He wanted to kiss me but I moved away and was hesitant, and he asked me what is wrong, understandable. I had to be honest with him because it wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be fair for either one of us.


I like Jay so much..but I am not attracted to him in that way, and that is important. When I was considering dating Jay, I was crying every day knowing that would mean I would not see Mike ever again. I couldn't handle that contemplation. I am 40 years old, I do not want to go out and casually date. I am not a player, I do not want to have many options, I do not want that! I should of already BEEN married by now! I tried with Jay, but the feelings are not there.

He is a teacher! We discussed going on trips together, doing fun things, air bnbs, going to visit his daughter in Japan (she is going to teach there in 2 years)...we talked about trying out different restaurants, trips to NYC, if I married him, I would be set. I would no longer have to worry about struggling with money. My parents like him alot, he is a really nice, intelligent person. It was so rough having that talk with him. 

I am just used to Mike. Despite his terrible sleep apnea. I told him to go to the doctor! Anyways, life. 

attention. influences to children. a loud mouthed, robin williams type drunk, oblivious to it's own surroundings. so happy to be out of it's own personal prison, which is stuck in his own mother's house. every day. so happy and jolly to be outside. doesn't matter where.

it's own buddy is a wayne. this wayne lives in a world of isolation. he behooths the real world, most are dumb, most are judgemental, most are evil women.

this wayne is susceptibale to it's own inclinations, molded by the likes of fear and loathing author........johnny depp?

c. lewis clark.

yes...c. lewis clark

hunter s. thompson.

wayne likens himself to king-like stature. he has his jimmy-like minion. he has a girl he wants, and thinks he can obtain (me)...he wants so bad to connect with myself. Him and I are cool in that sort of connection, but I am the one who does not choose to connect. The question is, will he accept it, or decide to denote me until my existence in his eyes fades away..? 

I try to be nice, I try to be cordial, but I will never be your fantasy. I will NEVER be your ideal woman, because that does not exist. Do not expect that to exist within my habits. Do not take my downfalls for weakness. Do not think you can intrude into my well-being, because that is what you want to invade.

Sit back, find out what you want. Be that girl, for a month. Oh no!

I’ll Never Stop Modifying My Body | HOOKED ON THE LOOK

oh...why tho? he was cute before...i dont//understand!? i like tattoos but not that extreme...but whatever. watching the tube..interesting things on there..sure thang

Amber Rose on Fighting Against Slut-Shaming: The Scarlet Letter Reports

amanda knox is a man to knocks...amber rose rallies the ho's (slut walk)..amanda knox is wearing a MONARCH t shirt in the beginning symbolizing project monarch.



shirts and bags with the words SLUT and WHORE emblazoned on it, meant to STRENGTHEN and make a point, (cant think of an adjective to describe it. my OCD is acting up because i see the christmas lights from the bathroom from the corner of my eye, i cant concentrate..

EMPOWERED! thats the word. the slutwalk is backwards tho...its conditioning. its sort of like abuse. these words have connotations to them. if you wear a shirt with the word SLUT or WHORE on it, you are breaking your own self worth, i believe. these are NEGATIVE words, so why?? WHY wear something that is going to break you down, and trick you? amber rose and amanda knox are MIND CONTROLLED transgendered...pawns. they are trying to bring down everyone else as well.

yeah, transgendred. and mind controlled. it exists.

oh i can share a few examples of being targetted, like today for instance. well maybe later i will do that. i was at the walker stalker convention. walking dead panels and what not. i will share later. its not as bad as it used to be, but its silly.

SLUT!!! WHORE! (its like, when a woman deliberately tries to play with your mind...or, takes pride in being some kind of snake-like dolly.

shrugs. shoo now!


i do kind of like that slut walk campagne tho. shit. id dress skimpy and be like, 'doesnt mean i want you to bug me..or worse.." i mean, really? just because a woman wants to look attractive in her own way does not mean she wants to get raped. i mean, i'll wear a slut shirt and be like, 'whut? fuck you you know?'



but the truth is, i wouldn't wear that. i know if i were too, guys would look at me and bother and annoy me, and i do not want any unrequited attention. its kind of like, saying you are single or lonely, and it makes these guys think you want them to ask you out. no, i have been asked out many times already these past few months. doesnt mean i am going to take up anyone on the offer.



i have been meaning to share a few things i have been going through however...but im really too lazy to do that right now. im kind of sad about the outcomes, but for real..sigh. the heart wants what it wants. ( i dont know..ha! ) maybe i will blog about it later, who knows.

VINTAGE • FARMHOUSE • RETRO HOME TOUR!

I LIKE WATCHING THESE VIDEOS MORE THAN TYPICAL COOKIE CUTTER STYLISH MANSION TOURS...i do not want to see NYC Loft tours where all the furniture is from Z GALLERY or IKEA , i do not want to see non messy houses, i DO NOT WANT TO SEE PERFECT, BORING DAMN HOUSES i like these vintage house tours more,,because they use lived in furniture of days past, but i notice..EVERY. SINGLE. VINTAGE/RETRO. HOUSE TOUR, HAS ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS OR THE COUPLES WEDDING PHOTOS. IT NEVER FAILS! ALL OF THESE VINTAGE/RETRO HOMES, THE LADY FILMING WILL SHOW THEIR ENGAGEMENT OR WEDDING PHOTOS! ugh gag. why does it always have to be a married couple living in these sort of homes tho??

Tour of Ithaca's Tent City Where Homeless People Survive in the Freezing...

wow

Tour of Ithaca's Tent City Where Homeless People Survive in the Freezing...

wow

i really need to get a green screen and a private room for ASMR i have another asmr idea!

construction paper, scissors, childrens scissors, fabric scissors, cutting, paste, elmers paste, glue sticks, glitter, pencils

magic markers, crayons

Transgenders Kingdom | Hollywood Satanic Infestation (Version 2)

EWW this will skeeve anyone out. the part with the MALE belly dancer..see? men move this way. Shakira, beyonce, all of them..these are moves from a MAN! the male belly dancer is moving just like them its so skeevy!!

���� FALL COTTAGE TOUR | Vintage Halloween + Woodland Autumn Decor! ��

I put in House tour on youtube..nothing but boring, mansion tours. I do not want to see tours of rich people and their boring mansions, so I put in Cottage tour. This more like it! (fuck mcmansions..i like homes with personality)

Ariana Grande Trans-Posed - They Still Don't Know

this is just so weird. especially her as a kid dressed up as annie, looks like a total little boy. and she was much more heavier as a teen, now she is this curveless little string bean thing. but yeah no, ariana is NOT a real woman! despite all her songs about being a woman, she is NOT!!!

courtney stodden posted a picture on instagram and now she deleted it. it was a picture of some strange looking thing, (I wish I had screenshot it too...damnet!)...it looked like some kind of tampon or something. She said, she thinks she had a miscarriage and that is what came out, it was a really blurry picture. i was like, 'what the heck is that?" (not in that way)..see, why would she of taken that picture when she says she didn't even know she was pregnant? women who have a miscarriage before even knowing they are pregnant will just bleed. one time, i felt cramps coming on and all of a sudden i had a huge surge of blood gush out. it was really scary and it was not normal as a period. i sat on the toilet and certainly did not grab blood out of the toilet? i have had miscarriage as well and i still didnt seep through the blood clots. when that surge happened i dont know what it was, if i was pregnant or what not. so what is weird about courtney stodden posting this, how would she of even...no. see, i think she, (who is not a true woman, i believe), googled images of early miscarriages. if you google it, that is what comes up. it looks like one of those little rock things that you can throw and it snaps like a mini firecracker. so....how did she see that, what? it doesnt come out like that! it comes out as blood! only if you pull apart any blood clots, then you might see that, but...how? what? why????

i think it was to make women think she is a real female and SHE AINT! i have a few other things i want to talk about but not now...

what i am watching now:

the purge on USA

the connors

jersey shore

what i am playing now:

beyond two souls

(idk..just felt like sharing)

I dont know what happened, i think windows 10 didnt work with my driver, so for a few good days i was not able to get my wifi. i changed back to an older version of windows, but who knows how long this will be good for? i think they do it so we have to buy new laptops and pcs. anyways, my job wants to do something for the veterans. i was only in the army a little less than a year, so i do not really consider myself a veteran. i wish i can go back in time, and therefore stay in the military. i'd go back if i can, but then there are other things i regret too and wish i can go back in time, such as getting married, having kids. fortunately for me, i still look very young. i still feel young, but i know im not 20 anymore, and times a ticking. i dont want another 20 years to pass and i will regret never having children, or getting married. but anyways, so they need a pic of me when i was in the army. i regret not taking more pictures . of course, back then, we did not have cell phones with cameras on them. now, im ALWAYS taking pictures, (which i rarely print)...so now its quite the opposite. i only have a few photos of when i graduated basic training, when my dad took pictures. i didnt have cameras so i really never did take any pics. i mean, i wish i did, yeah. i was looking, well, i was studying the few photos i have, pictures of me and my friends in basic training, just looking at those young soldiers, it just, brings back memories. it reminds me of that time, the way the mornings smelled, the way the air felt, the way being 18 years old felt, that new, weird feeling. i really wish i had taken more photos. i really am about memories and what not, and i love looking at photos. looking at photos brings me up, it makes me feel better. i wish i had more photos of those times, being in high school, and then the army...i started taking pictures after that tho, but i just wish i had more pictures of when i was in the military. being in the military has a certain feeling, different then being a civilian, i dont know.

i want feelings again, you know? i need to be. when scrolling through instagram, going past endless models with perfect bodies, that can make a female feel like, 'so what do i have to do to be perfect?" i mean, take perfect photos, you know? like, fake boobs? small tiny waist? like WHUT??? but then, wtf? does that matter? looking all cute and strange? nah. id rather have my own family. i dont want to be alone anymore.

mike wants me to move in, but hes not the right one for me. i need someone with my same kooky sense and oddball whatevers, or maybe boring. whatever it is i am. i also like weird nj exploring, making videos for MEMORIES!!!! listening to oldies music, dranking beer, campfires, motorcycle rides, fancy dinners, trips. mike sure as heck IS BORING! AND SLEEPS AND SNORES ALL THE TIME! i cant.

i think i will be blogging until im an old lady. sigh

i have a crush on vinny from jersey shore. since i no longer get crushes in real life anymore. shrug.

i lent this girl from work 20.00 and she was supposed to pay me back today (payday) but she says she doesnt have the money. um what?  dont borrow money if you cant pay someone back. i'll pester her on sunday and keep at it till she pays me back.

im DONT lending people money that goes for spending money on beer for cheapskates who never HAVE MONEY!??!?

photoshoot

I did a photoshoot the other day. I have been getting more into doing shoots with my model mayhem account, (I think my omp one was deleted or i have to pay or redo it, they changed it all around)..the shoot was done outdoors in a park in my town, (never even been there?) , it was right down the street where some man shot himself in the parking lot outside the young male italian club...da heck???

but yeah, so this shoot shows how I look now, (at 40 years old), and yes, I have gained weight. I like these shots tho because you can see my native american-ness.

Not sure why he kept all that extra space...weirdddd 

He told me to do this dumb pose, but whatever lol