Hi! *waves*...oh gosh...I am SOOO sleepy, like...all the time! I started taking thyroid pills again. Anwaze...um...I have NOT been eating good nutritious food, at all! I hate this! It makes me feel like crap!
My mom made me an english muffin with lots of butter for breakfast, along with raisin bran cereal, and whole milk. God bless my mom, I love her...and yes, I am capable of making my own breakfast, but she likes to make me my breakfast! I actually prefer a light breakfast of rye toast with coconut oil (not butter!), or almond butter...even peanut butter, but NOT real butter!! although, if you must, real butter is better than margarine, however, I would advise a thin coating of land of lakes butter with olive oil, not all butter!
and whole wheat english muffins, if any kind...raisin bran is ok but personally I do not care for raisin bran. I like fiber packed cereals. Steel cut oatmeal is good too. A smoothie in the morning with some protein powder and fruits and almond milk is good too, with some Q'ia...(a mixture of hemp and chia seeds etc. I have a bag of those...that is also good with some greek yogurt...mixed with some fresh fruit (or some frozen), and some grinded up nuts...you can even make that a smoothie!!!
Lunch, ugh lunch...I had...lunchables! My mom kept putting lunchables in my lunch, which I have been avoiding, but I told her to just put that in my lunch, (along with a pear that she never included!!! I love pears tho!!)...the cheese sat looking at me, sad and pathetic, like processed, sliced cheese. It was just awful, and the ham....I don't know!??! i had some celery too, just celery tho...shrug...a capri sun...some yogurt balls...peanuts...meh...
Dinner. Ahh, hungry, but nothing to eat...so my mom heated up a pot pie. Frozen pot pie, miked up...ham with corn...again, meh...when you do not eat proper nutrition, you feel 'meh'.
When you eat HEALTHY!! you FEEL HEALTHY!!! i want to eat vibrant greens, reds, COLORS!!! veggies, fruits!
lean meats, like chicken, fish, shrimp!! turkey!!
olive oils, coconut oils, turmeric, cinnamon! red pepper flake, garlic! fresh ginger, parsely! fresh herbs! chiles! why not!? some jalapenos! cilantro!!! fish bake!
oh so,this is weird ok!??
"they tried to make me go to rehab i said , "no no no no no no NO no!!"
ok so, that girl fane, and her friend, (who has kool aid red hue...i'm sorry, but i hate red hair like that. dyed red hair...i hate pink hair, i hate purple hair, i hate 'manic panic' style hair! that look, well, it went out in the 90s! the girl on american idol has purple hair. rock stars still sport the pink (albeit sex kitten programming..) hair...that look is over tho!??! it was over after angela from my so called life graduated!!???!! idk..i just don't understand why the manic panic style hair colors are still around!???! what trendy looks do i like?!? well for one, i do like volume! i like mussy but not fussy looks...i like texture, i like smooth and shiny. i am going to get my hair cut, and i want chunky um...chunks...(??) of gloss and shine...and texture. if someone wants a few highlights, then get the clip on extensions! like i would like to do...i like mops...mops of hair...i like hats too. yeah, hats....but anyways, the girl who is fane's friend was there too. at lunch they came up to me and asked me how i liked it there, (nothing to do at stockertown A&H), and she was like, 'it's like jail, right?" at the time i did not think anything of it, but later i was like, 'why did she ask me that? if it is 'like jail'? here i am, all worried about going jail, and she had to ask me that!??!
so, then, this is very weird, i almost burst out laughing when i began thinking about it all...the lady next to me, april, well..people were talking, blah blah blah...the day that never ends!! but then, she says to me, 'i'm gonna get a 'fish fry' (whaaa!??! didn't i just BLOG!??t (not today but another day..i said i wanted a fish fry or a fish bake???) whatever it was i said, that is what she just so happened to bring up...
i guess wegmans is having a fish fry tonight..fish bake..whatever. i was like, thinking, WOW i just BLOGGED about a fish bake!??!
the reason why fish bake has been in my head, tho, is because my parents and i stopped inside the cracker barrel to look around the general store they have the other week, and i noticed on the chalkboard menu, it says every thursday or friday is a 'fish bake'...so i wondered about what kind of fish etc. i want to make fish other than salmon, and fish fry or bake..just sounds so, country style home cracker barrel...
but then people talked about a guy who won 500.00 on a scratch off and wanted to go to the bar, and april was like, 'people need to be careful,, they make poisonous choices' (nah she didn't say poisonous, but she did say bad choices)
i am so done...with that job. really...so fucking lame. and i am done with being tired. i need a haircut, and tan. vitamin D!
meds and vitamins i need to start taking:
levoxythyroxin 100 mcgs
iodine
iron
vitamin D
multi vitamin
fish oil
yeah...and healthy foods, maybe some fiber too, with smoothies.
also a shot of apple cider vinegar. man, i need my own kitchen.
i need to start exercising too. i miss working out. i miss feeling good about myself, i miss feeling hot, attractive! i miss feeling alive. i miss good conversation. i miss having nice clothes.
i miss hobbies, i miss sunshine. i love driving! i love to drive, and listen to music. i miss flirting! i miss attraction. i miss grilling....
idk...:/
Friday, March 21, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
no no no no no no no no!
"thanks, chef uh...chef...whatever your name is...MKd chef ramsey, for reminding me of, 'no no no no NO!"
a few things...random. watched 'american hustle" at one point, jennifer lawrence's character says to amy adams (??) character, ((who has multiple personalities, in the movie she is aware of them and made them herself, but amy adams, as normal looking (in an attractive, movie magical way that they all have), as she is, she just simply is not. she too, is MK'd. the number of MK'd (seemingly celebrities) are astonishing. of only people knew. of course, i dont know...for sure. perhaps it is not true. how will anyone know for sure, unless they out right see a 'handler' holding a notebook or a laptop, which is full of triggering triggers and phrases they say to bring up certain alters for certain...tasks? all of it seems a bit harrying to me although. i mean, what is the point of having say, an amy adams, play a character, 'esther?" i forget the name in the movie...yeah, its not esther...a kaballah jewish name...i dont know!???! complicated!!
um...anyways, one point she goes, 'you make poisonous choices' (poison!?? idk...i know i have been making those kind of choices....damnet)
sigh.........
some weird things. at work, one of the women screamed, and i heard someone mention something about a mouse!?? but then someone said they were kidding!???!
so then...the lady next to me, (when i told her they said they seen a mouse), said, 'too bad its not 'mickey mouse'....which was kind of weird, because i just blogged about how she loves disney land, remember!???
another weird thing, i keep hearing a voice that sounds like the mentally retarded girl...that chris was dating, on family guy. remember? the one girl...oh...i forget!??! they just played it tho. i keep hearing someone at my job who's voice keeps making me think of that 'no no no no no no NO NO!" girl...((ooh new sack clothes and ashes videos! i was thinking there was a connection between SXSW "south by southwest' festival, what with the death and lady gaga getting puked on, to the disappearing flight , southwest, debris found in the indian ocean....
but back to the no no girl...i kept hearing a voice that made me think of the no no girl...
so then, i was like...'why are you going through all this trouble to mess around with me? resorting to studying the people at my work, to see that their voices are similar to the no no girls, and then PLAYING that episode, so that it triggers me when i am at work, to be reminded of that. im no one special...
then i thought about it...the no no girl is retarded (i cant think of a PC word sorry!??!) or, a nicer word would be...'special'....so what are you saying than!??! that i am "special?"
it certainly is being set up to make me look that way huh!?? i am a 'paranoid schizophrenic alchohlic!"
HA HA!!!!!! when will i crack huh!??!
well ya wanna know something!??! aint gonna happen! i burrow into my survival mode, i burrow into my, ' i must not give up! i simply mustn't! i am strong! "
so, NO! NO NO NO NO NONO NOOOOOOO NO!!!!
oh who knows!??! gonna watch some of the new sackcloth videos tho....then take a shower...
had dry pork chops for dinner, and some sort of alfredo noodles, and broccoli. i always think of making luscious tomatoes, sauteed with some olive oil, some kale, and garlic...for protein....fish. i keep thinking of a fish fry. no starches. sip on some water...with lemon.
i will make more blogs. just not tonight...i dont think....
a few things...random. watched 'american hustle" at one point, jennifer lawrence's character says to amy adams (??) character, ((who has multiple personalities, in the movie she is aware of them and made them herself, but amy adams, as normal looking (in an attractive, movie magical way that they all have), as she is, she just simply is not. she too, is MK'd. the number of MK'd (seemingly celebrities) are astonishing. of only people knew. of course, i dont know...for sure. perhaps it is not true. how will anyone know for sure, unless they out right see a 'handler' holding a notebook or a laptop, which is full of triggering triggers and phrases they say to bring up certain alters for certain...tasks? all of it seems a bit harrying to me although. i mean, what is the point of having say, an amy adams, play a character, 'esther?" i forget the name in the movie...yeah, its not esther...a kaballah jewish name...i dont know!???! complicated!!
um...anyways, one point she goes, 'you make poisonous choices' (poison!?? idk...i know i have been making those kind of choices....damnet)
sigh.........
some weird things. at work, one of the women screamed, and i heard someone mention something about a mouse!?? but then someone said they were kidding!???!
so then...the lady next to me, (when i told her they said they seen a mouse), said, 'too bad its not 'mickey mouse'....which was kind of weird, because i just blogged about how she loves disney land, remember!???
another weird thing, i keep hearing a voice that sounds like the mentally retarded girl...that chris was dating, on family guy. remember? the one girl...oh...i forget!??! they just played it tho. i keep hearing someone at my job who's voice keeps making me think of that 'no no no no no no NO NO!" girl...((ooh new sack clothes and ashes videos! i was thinking there was a connection between SXSW "south by southwest' festival, what with the death and lady gaga getting puked on, to the disappearing flight , southwest, debris found in the indian ocean....
but back to the no no girl...i kept hearing a voice that made me think of the no no girl...
so then, i was like...'why are you going through all this trouble to mess around with me? resorting to studying the people at my work, to see that their voices are similar to the no no girls, and then PLAYING that episode, so that it triggers me when i am at work, to be reminded of that. im no one special...
then i thought about it...the no no girl is retarded (i cant think of a PC word sorry!??!) or, a nicer word would be...'special'....so what are you saying than!??! that i am "special?"
it certainly is being set up to make me look that way huh!?? i am a 'paranoid schizophrenic alchohlic!"
HA HA!!!!!! when will i crack huh!??!
well ya wanna know something!??! aint gonna happen! i burrow into my survival mode, i burrow into my, ' i must not give up! i simply mustn't! i am strong! "
so, NO! NO NO NO NO NONO NOOOOOOO NO!!!!
oh who knows!??! gonna watch some of the new sackcloth videos tho....then take a shower...
had dry pork chops for dinner, and some sort of alfredo noodles, and broccoli. i always think of making luscious tomatoes, sauteed with some olive oil, some kale, and garlic...for protein....fish. i keep thinking of a fish fry. no starches. sip on some water...with lemon.
i will make more blogs. just not tonight...i dont think....
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
heads will roll
so, after the voice, some sitcom all of a sudden pops up...i noticed that boy...(maybe its that new show, about a boy??? with the jonah character!?)
he was at a party and the song for 'heads will roll' was in the background...blehh!! also, i read about taking the chip or getting your head chopped off. chip or chop!?? really!?? REALLY!??! if america resorts to this, then surely the public will be like 'what is this inhumanity?' but they will be like, how can i feed my kids, my family? if they give you that choice, what makes you think they arent going to wipe most of the population out anyways, kids and all? some sort of disease, or 'natural disaster' ....they are evil!
also i watched that movie, the counselor, and they are so big on beheadings in mexico. a mention of a beheading of a woman, (facebook allows beheadings. remember that woman who got beheaded and it was on facebook? i didnt watch it aw hell no! but my friend did. he said her eyes were still moving back and forth afterwards) beheadings always freaked me out! i remember hearing a story where a daughter cut off her mother (i think the mothers day was slyvia) she chopped her head off in the barn!??? my cousin mary told me, when we were younger...
something about not having your head is just...ugh so barbaric...and like, i dont know tho!?? i dont like it...
remember all those head synchs?
here are some predictive programming pics...
i dont know anymore....i feel so...i had a dream well not a dream. you know when your mind takes over right before you are going to fall asleep? like, you have images and story lines that you are no longer controlling!???
he was at a party and the song for 'heads will roll' was in the background...blehh!! also, i read about taking the chip or getting your head chopped off. chip or chop!?? really!?? REALLY!??! if america resorts to this, then surely the public will be like 'what is this inhumanity?' but they will be like, how can i feed my kids, my family? if they give you that choice, what makes you think they arent going to wipe most of the population out anyways, kids and all? some sort of disease, or 'natural disaster' ....they are evil!
also i watched that movie, the counselor, and they are so big on beheadings in mexico. a mention of a beheading of a woman, (facebook allows beheadings. remember that woman who got beheaded and it was on facebook? i didnt watch it aw hell no! but my friend did. he said her eyes were still moving back and forth afterwards) beheadings always freaked me out! i remember hearing a story where a daughter cut off her mother (i think the mothers day was slyvia) she chopped her head off in the barn!??? my cousin mary told me, when we were younger...
something about not having your head is just...ugh so barbaric...and like, i dont know tho!?? i dont like it...
remember all those head synchs?
here are some predictive programming pics...
i dont know anymore....i feel so...i had a dream well not a dream. you know when your mind takes over right before you are going to fall asleep? like, you have images and story lines that you are no longer controlling!???
rants and stuff
all i want is a happy, cozy life! why can't this just happen!? i want to be healthy! i want to eat healthy! no egg noodles, no soda! no white bread, starches, potatoes! lack of greens, lack of nutrients. lack of vitamin D or my thryoid medicine. i am so sick of my jagged hair. i want nice, healthy hair. i want to exercise. i want to get back into a routine. i am sick of grapefruit juice with a corned beef and egg noodle leftover dinner. i need to get tan. i need hot tea. i need to do a workout video! i need to feel like i am revived, not eternally sleepy.
i am sick of waking up at 6 am and going to this job full of older, factory people. i dont know...the lady next to me is nice. she always talks about the rearranging and making ready for her 'spring' curtains and furniture. she talks about how she worked at that place for 31 years, and she talks about how she loves disney world, and how she goes to church. but she has a sort of, bored tone to her, as does everyone there. its a lacking tone. like, 'this is what i have to do...i have to go to kohl's and buy some new stuff for the house'. its like the tone i take when i talk to my parents. a sort of...muted tone. like...'yeah' even tho i feel this bubbling energy beneath my surface, that i just cannot release because i have no reason too. i go to this dumb job, then i come home and hang out around my parents. there is also some boomhauer (from king of the hill) lookalike at this job too, who complains about getting sick. they all seem the same. lack of sunlight for hours at a time inside some weird warehouse/factory/dry cleaning esque place does that to you. it is depressing, it takes all my energy and it is turning me to a muted face. a muted down version...of life. i can feel my awful hair, my pale face, my terrible nutrition, my lack of exercise, my weekly checks being drained, the future of court and fines, fees and possibly jail time, all of it...including seeing facebook posts. people's lives change...people meet someone, get engaged, get married, have babies...people get good jobs, people post bad news, i dont know!??! i moved out, went to california, thought i had the world ready and set for me, to save up money. i dont care to go out! who the hell cares about going to macgradys!? all we did was sit there, and i was a third wheel basically, watching those two kiss each other and stuff...mike was in bethelehm but sara doesnt like him. i could of went with him at least he could of driven. it wasnt even fun. i can feel all of this, killing me. i can feel it. i can feel the impatience growing and boiling, as i try to remain casually nuetral about sitting around, unshowered, pale and a double chin i get in the winter time, sick of the cold...i can feel it aging me. agitating me. yet i can still feel that wonder, that same wonder i always had, that bright eyed feeling of hope, and of the possibilities. i can still taste the grapefruit juice, and the boiled potatoe that also tastes like cooked carrots, soaked from the corned beef we had from the 'crock pot' for st pattys day dinner last night.
i can feel my eyebrows, all messy and in need of a good tweezing....the pad i am STILL wearing, after what seems like a month of wearing! yeah! i have been wearing pads for 3 weeks!??! what is wrong with me!?? i can feel the hypo thryoidism getting more hypo. i can feel life draining away. the thought of ever having a baby diminishing. it will never happen, will it?
marble is watching my mom on the table putting a puzzle together.
anyways, im trying to put the puzzle together!???!
who knows!??!
i thought of something strange...
that friday, when sara mentioned a house party, (which i didnt care about going too) it wasnt even! everyone was outside ((brrr!!!) smoking cigarettes.
i was going to leave, in fact, i said it twice that i was going to go. i had to pee so bad so the girl that was there said i can use her bathroom. now that i think about it, the girl looked and reminded me of cat from california, moss's friend, who...just got out of JAIL!??! wtf is that!????
forshadowing??? damn man!! not cool!!!!!
i noticed something. very tragic. i added a friend because a friend i did have, my photographer friend, told me one of his friends who did PR, had the same name as I, Lori Brown. so i added her and i msgd her to tell her who i was.
she since got married and changed her name, also has two young kids. i was scrolling today and saw a post on hers. it was her mother. she was posting on behalf of her daughter, saying that she is sad to say that her daughter, Lori, had passed away in her sleep saturday night. that is sad. i also cannot help to think, what if i had gotten into an accident friday night, and died? would my mother have to post on my behalf?
i feel sad for her family.
my cousin sabastians girlfriend schenley is in the hospital she is going into labor! wow! what an exciting time!!!
i am sick of waking up at 6 am and going to this job full of older, factory people. i dont know...the lady next to me is nice. she always talks about the rearranging and making ready for her 'spring' curtains and furniture. she talks about how she worked at that place for 31 years, and she talks about how she loves disney world, and how she goes to church. but she has a sort of, bored tone to her, as does everyone there. its a lacking tone. like, 'this is what i have to do...i have to go to kohl's and buy some new stuff for the house'. its like the tone i take when i talk to my parents. a sort of...muted tone. like...'yeah' even tho i feel this bubbling energy beneath my surface, that i just cannot release because i have no reason too. i go to this dumb job, then i come home and hang out around my parents. there is also some boomhauer (from king of the hill) lookalike at this job too, who complains about getting sick. they all seem the same. lack of sunlight for hours at a time inside some weird warehouse/factory/dry cleaning esque place does that to you. it is depressing, it takes all my energy and it is turning me to a muted face. a muted down version...of life. i can feel my awful hair, my pale face, my terrible nutrition, my lack of exercise, my weekly checks being drained, the future of court and fines, fees and possibly jail time, all of it...including seeing facebook posts. people's lives change...people meet someone, get engaged, get married, have babies...people get good jobs, people post bad news, i dont know!??! i moved out, went to california, thought i had the world ready and set for me, to save up money. i dont care to go out! who the hell cares about going to macgradys!? all we did was sit there, and i was a third wheel basically, watching those two kiss each other and stuff...mike was in bethelehm but sara doesnt like him. i could of went with him at least he could of driven. it wasnt even fun. i can feel all of this, killing me. i can feel it. i can feel the impatience growing and boiling, as i try to remain casually nuetral about sitting around, unshowered, pale and a double chin i get in the winter time, sick of the cold...i can feel it aging me. agitating me. yet i can still feel that wonder, that same wonder i always had, that bright eyed feeling of hope, and of the possibilities. i can still taste the grapefruit juice, and the boiled potatoe that also tastes like cooked carrots, soaked from the corned beef we had from the 'crock pot' for st pattys day dinner last night.
i can feel my eyebrows, all messy and in need of a good tweezing....the pad i am STILL wearing, after what seems like a month of wearing! yeah! i have been wearing pads for 3 weeks!??! what is wrong with me!?? i can feel the hypo thryoidism getting more hypo. i can feel life draining away. the thought of ever having a baby diminishing. it will never happen, will it?
marble is watching my mom on the table putting a puzzle together.
anyways, im trying to put the puzzle together!???!
who knows!??!
i thought of something strange...
that friday, when sara mentioned a house party, (which i didnt care about going too) it wasnt even! everyone was outside ((brrr!!!) smoking cigarettes.
i was going to leave, in fact, i said it twice that i was going to go. i had to pee so bad so the girl that was there said i can use her bathroom. now that i think about it, the girl looked and reminded me of cat from california, moss's friend, who...just got out of JAIL!??! wtf is that!????
forshadowing??? damn man!! not cool!!!!!
i noticed something. very tragic. i added a friend because a friend i did have, my photographer friend, told me one of his friends who did PR, had the same name as I, Lori Brown. so i added her and i msgd her to tell her who i was.
she since got married and changed her name, also has two young kids. i was scrolling today and saw a post on hers. it was her mother. she was posting on behalf of her daughter, saying that she is sad to say that her daughter, Lori, had passed away in her sleep saturday night. that is sad. i also cannot help to think, what if i had gotten into an accident friday night, and died? would my mother have to post on my behalf?
i feel sad for her family.
my cousin sabastians girlfriend schenley is in the hospital she is going into labor! wow! what an exciting time!!!
Monday, March 17, 2014
sign!!??
hey! hey! are you listening!?? i need a sign...
something!?? i just...i just need a sign...
something!?? i just...i just need a sign...
DUI IN PA LAWS
The 3rd time you are arrested and
convicted for a DUI in Pennsylvania you will receive 10 days -2 years
in prison and a fine between $500- $5,000 if your BAC was between
.08-.99. You will also receive a 12 month drivers license suspension.
If your BAC was from .10-.159 you will receive from 90 days-5 years in
prison, a $1,500-$10,000 fine and a 18 month drivers license
suspension. If your BAC was above .16 you will face between 1-5 years
in prison, a minimum fine of $2,500 and a 18 month drivers license
suspension. For all second and 3rd offenses you will be required to
install an ignition interlock device on you vehicle for 1 year. You may
also be ordered by the court to attend alcohol screening and
rehabilitation.
Lookback Period:
10 years (Period of time that prior DUIs are relevant for sentencing)
whats a "lookback period?"
Prior driving under the influence convictions can impact every aspect of your current Pennsylvania DUI charge. A prior drunk driving conviction within 10 years means longer driver's license suspensions, higher fines, and the possibility of more jail or prison time. A skilled Pennsylvania DUI lawyer from Levow & Associates will do everything possible to safeguard your rights and protect you from the consequences of a multiple-DUI charge.
Even one prior driving under the influence conviction can substantially increase the punishment you face in your Pennsylvania DUI case. For example, if you're charged with a first-time general-impairment Pennsylvania DUI charge (where your blood alcohol content is alleged to be .08 to .999 percent), you won't face any jail time, but a single prior driving under the influence conviction within the past 10 years means you can be sentenced to five days to six months in jail if convicted.
Under certain circumstances, a person convicted of a DUI in Pennsylvania may be able to file a PCRA (Post Conviction Relief Act) and attempt to re-open and fight a prior case, as if it just happened. The PCRA must be filed within one year (with some exceptions) of the final disposition of the case and is further limited to certain grounds for appeal. If you have prior driving under the influence convictions within the past year, please contact us to learn more about this and to see if a PCRA is an option for you.
Pennsylvania DUI laws are harsher than ever before, especially for individuals with prior driving under the influence convictions within the past 10 years. A knowledgeable Pennsylvania DUI lawyer from Levow & Associates will take every available action to safeguard your rights and seek to protect you from the consequences of a multiple driving under the influence charge.
i dont know when my last DUI in NJ was, seems like it was ten years ago but who knows?
and to think, i was so careful about spending money. i even thought of me getting into a car accident before i left, to bethlehem. i thought to myself, "why do they want to go to bethlehem? it sucks trying to find a place to park." i also told myself i wasn't going to drink much.
i didn't even want to go out. if i did, it would of not been bethlehem. sara msgd me as soon as i got home i wasn't able to get a nap. i'm just upset.
well, not really. what ever. if i go to jail, then fine.
FUCK IT!
http://www.tmz.com/2014/03/16/kellan-lutz-birthday-elephant-bunch-of-dudes-hot-chick-thailand/
Screw making it rain on strippers for his 29th birthday ... Kellan Lutz just wanted to let loose in Thailand with his bros.
The "Twilight" star celebrated the festivities on Nikki Beach Phuket in what looked like a cabana ... and a hot model delivered his birthday cake atop a baby elephant.
Then the group of bros all posed for pics wearing shirts that said, "A celebration of life" -- while Kellan's name was lit up on some kinda outdoor fire display.
This could be the coolest sausage party ever.
do you see that? i just posted about how i want to go to thailand to help with the elephants (not ride poor baby elephants as entertainment tho!)
they were partying at PHUKET BEACH!!??!
so...what does this mean?!?? JUST FUCK IT!??!
FUCK IT!!!???! JUST....FUCK IT! ABOUT THE DUI??! WHAT!??! HUH!??? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!??!
IF I LOSE MY LICENSE, THEN YEAH, FUCK IT! I'LL MOVE SOMEWHERE WHERE I DONT HAVE TO DRIVE! IF I GO TO JAIL, FUCK IT! I HAVE TO GO RIGHT!??!
i plan on writing, writing, and writing!!! that is all i will do! along with working out and reading the Bible. i will be fine. i will survive.
i will write, and i will publish my stories! i have been thinking about a few pen names i would like to use. i plan on writing a lot of different stories, different styles and for different genres.
children's stories, adult stories, maybe teen stories too. i have all my story ideas plus some of my auto-biography ideas as well.
FUCK IT! right!???!?
i cant breathe. i will go away. if i cant drive, why stay here? hopefully i can do some jail (not a year...i dont know tho!??!) then i will move. i dont know!??! i cant believe this is happening to me!
i dont know what to do!?? will i ever get through this? will i ever just live a happy fulfilling life?
doesnt seem like it
all i was planning to do is done! all i wanted to do was move out! that is all!
i wanted to leave after macgradys, i even said it a bunch of times! i should of veered to the right when i saw those lights. i was obviously impaired. i couldnt walk a straight line. i was slurring my voice.
i dont mind losing my license for a year, whatever. if i can move i will. heck i will go to california for a year. i dont know...i dont know yet..
im really upset. is this real? is this an illusion?
i dont want to go to jail?
why is that model on that elephant, and why is she wearing angel wings?
i dont know what to do!??
am i serious about being sober?! when will i lose my license?
how will i afford all these fees and fines, lawyers etc?
what will become of me?
:(
im nervous!!!
how long will i be in jail for!??!
all those driving things seem so annoying.
If your BAC was from .10-.159 you will receive from 90 days-5 years in prison, a $1,500-$10,000 fine and a 18 month drivers license suspension. If your BAC was above .16 you will face between 1-5 years in prison, a minimum fine of $2,500 and a 18 month drivers license suspension. For all second and 3rd offenses you will be required to install an ignition interlock device on you vehicle for 1 year. You may also be ordered by the court to attend alcohol screening and rehabilitation.
ignition interlock seems annoying. id rather move and not drive for a year.
i am concerned about jail time. i do not know what my BAC was. i had a pitcher of beer, in which sara and gino had some, then at mollys a shot that sara wanted (i didnt want any shots but i did take it tho...) and a michelob can or something. why did i get a pitcher? i usually just get a yuengling beer!?? ughh i cant stop thinking about it.
i think the cop said .15 bac. they took my blood. i first did a breathalyzer then blood sample.
what the fuck!???!
this kind of news makes you want to give up on life. i dont know!?? i just dont know anymor
What are the penalties for a DUI in Pennsylvania?
| 1st Offense | 2d offense | 3rd Offense | |
| Minimum Jail | No minimum jail time required | 5 days jail to 6 months | 10 days jail to two years |
| Fines and Penalties | $300** | $300 to $2500 | $500 to $5000 |
| License Suspension | No** | 12 months | 12 months |
| IID* Required | Yes, if refusal to take chemical test | Yes, during period of restricted license | Yes, during period of restricted license |
whats a "lookback period?"
The Look-Back Period for Priorability
Pennsylvania has a 10-year "lookback" period for prior DUI convictions, meaning that if you're arrested for driving under the influence within 10 years of a prior DUI conviction, you can receive harsher consequences than you would for a first-time driving under the influence conviction. If more than 10 years have passed since your earlier DUI arrest, your current case will be treated as a first-time driving under the influence charge, as long as you have not had any other convictions anywhere..Prior driving under the influence convictions can impact every aspect of your current Pennsylvania DUI charge. A prior drunk driving conviction within 10 years means longer driver's license suspensions, higher fines, and the possibility of more jail or prison time. A skilled Pennsylvania DUI lawyer from Levow & Associates will do everything possible to safeguard your rights and protect you from the consequences of a multiple-DUI charge.
Even one prior driving under the influence conviction can substantially increase the punishment you face in your Pennsylvania DUI case. For example, if you're charged with a first-time general-impairment Pennsylvania DUI charge (where your blood alcohol content is alleged to be .08 to .999 percent), you won't face any jail time, but a single prior driving under the influence conviction within the past 10 years means you can be sentenced to five days to six months in jail if convicted.
Under certain circumstances, a person convicted of a DUI in Pennsylvania may be able to file a PCRA (Post Conviction Relief Act) and attempt to re-open and fight a prior case, as if it just happened. The PCRA must be filed within one year (with some exceptions) of the final disposition of the case and is further limited to certain grounds for appeal. If you have prior driving under the influence convictions within the past year, please contact us to learn more about this and to see if a PCRA is an option for you.
Pennsylvania DUI laws are harsher than ever before, especially for individuals with prior driving under the influence convictions within the past 10 years. A knowledgeable Pennsylvania DUI lawyer from Levow & Associates will take every available action to safeguard your rights and seek to protect you from the consequences of a multiple driving under the influence charge.
i dont know when my last DUI in NJ was, seems like it was ten years ago but who knows?
and to think, i was so careful about spending money. i even thought of me getting into a car accident before i left, to bethlehem. i thought to myself, "why do they want to go to bethlehem? it sucks trying to find a place to park." i also told myself i wasn't going to drink much.
i didn't even want to go out. if i did, it would of not been bethlehem. sara msgd me as soon as i got home i wasn't able to get a nap. i'm just upset.
well, not really. what ever. if i go to jail, then fine.
FUCK IT!
http://www.tmz.com/2014/03/16/kellan-lutz-birthday-elephant-bunch-of-dudes-hot-chick-thailand/
Screw making it rain on strippers for his 29th birthday ... Kellan Lutz just wanted to let loose in Thailand with his bros.
The "Twilight" star celebrated the festivities on Nikki Beach Phuket in what looked like a cabana ... and a hot model delivered his birthday cake atop a baby elephant.
Then the group of bros all posed for pics wearing shirts that said, "A celebration of life" -- while Kellan's name was lit up on some kinda outdoor fire display.
This could be the coolest sausage party ever.
do you see that? i just posted about how i want to go to thailand to help with the elephants (not ride poor baby elephants as entertainment tho!)
they were partying at PHUKET BEACH!!??!
so...what does this mean?!?? JUST FUCK IT!??!
FUCK IT!!!???! JUST....FUCK IT! ABOUT THE DUI??! WHAT!??! HUH!??? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!??!
IF I LOSE MY LICENSE, THEN YEAH, FUCK IT! I'LL MOVE SOMEWHERE WHERE I DONT HAVE TO DRIVE! IF I GO TO JAIL, FUCK IT! I HAVE TO GO RIGHT!??!
i plan on writing, writing, and writing!!! that is all i will do! along with working out and reading the Bible. i will be fine. i will survive.
i will write, and i will publish my stories! i have been thinking about a few pen names i would like to use. i plan on writing a lot of different stories, different styles and for different genres.
children's stories, adult stories, maybe teen stories too. i have all my story ideas plus some of my auto-biography ideas as well.
FUCK IT! right!???!?
i cant breathe. i will go away. if i cant drive, why stay here? hopefully i can do some jail (not a year...i dont know tho!??!) then i will move. i dont know!??! i cant believe this is happening to me!
i dont know what to do!?? will i ever get through this? will i ever just live a happy fulfilling life?
doesnt seem like it
all i was planning to do is done! all i wanted to do was move out! that is all!
i wanted to leave after macgradys, i even said it a bunch of times! i should of veered to the right when i saw those lights. i was obviously impaired. i couldnt walk a straight line. i was slurring my voice.
i dont mind losing my license for a year, whatever. if i can move i will. heck i will go to california for a year. i dont know...i dont know yet..
im really upset. is this real? is this an illusion?
i dont want to go to jail?
why is that model on that elephant, and why is she wearing angel wings?
i dont know what to do!??
am i serious about being sober?! when will i lose my license?
how will i afford all these fees and fines, lawyers etc?
what will become of me?
:(
im nervous!!!
how long will i be in jail for!??!
all those driving things seem so annoying.
If your BAC was from .10-.159 you will receive from 90 days-5 years in prison, a $1,500-$10,000 fine and a 18 month drivers license suspension. If your BAC was above .16 you will face between 1-5 years in prison, a minimum fine of $2,500 and a 18 month drivers license suspension. For all second and 3rd offenses you will be required to install an ignition interlock device on you vehicle for 1 year. You may also be ordered by the court to attend alcohol screening and rehabilitation.
ignition interlock seems annoying. id rather move and not drive for a year.
i am concerned about jail time. i do not know what my BAC was. i had a pitcher of beer, in which sara and gino had some, then at mollys a shot that sara wanted (i didnt want any shots but i did take it tho...) and a michelob can or something. why did i get a pitcher? i usually just get a yuengling beer!?? ughh i cant stop thinking about it.
i think the cop said .15 bac. they took my blood. i first did a breathalyzer then blood sample.
what the fuck!???!
this kind of news makes you want to give up on life. i dont know!?? i just dont know anymor
Sunday, March 16, 2014
synchronicites and stuff
i know it is getting late, and i have to wake up for this really annoying job tomorrow, but i want to write a blog about the 'set up the synchronicities' and all of that. why? oh...who the FUCK knows!?? i do put too much energy into all of this. lets begin, shall we!?
friday night...(no rehashing tho!!!)...actually....saturday night, i saw the movie 'non stop'. now, before the movie, i didnt think anything awry about my friday night. i was flogging in misery after mollys (flogging mollys!? ) whats flogging mean?
i cannot rehash or i will feel suffocated. nope not gonna DO IT!!! damnet life!
(i have my own ulterior plans. i am not as nice as i portray myself. i have a backup fuel tank (idk LOL)...to keep me going. i cannot give up! i just cannot do it! i want to obtain something more then what i keep allowing myself to be stuck in! LIMBO!! i have been stuck 'in the middle' for too long! i need to JUST CLIMB OUT OF THIS LIMBO! i have a dark side. i pretend i am sweet and nice, but i am not. i am emotionless. i am careless, reckless. i pretend i admit to my problems, but do i really!??)
I prayed to God. He answered me last night. It truly made me cry. I felt his love for me as a father does for their child. I want to welcome the Lord into my heart, to guide me, to help me live life the way He wants me too! I want to be an inspiration! I want to share my story!
so during this movie, what made me start questioning Friday night were a few things...
first of all, the character "Marx" (?) is an air marshall. air marshall. he studies us, and he have no clue who he is? he knows who we are, but we do not know who he (or she..) is....((kind of like, big brother?)
the term 'big brother; was used in the movie too. the movie theater reminded me of a plane too, with the seats. i was wondering, 'are there any "air marshalls' here, amongst us, in this crowded theater!?
SPOILERS!!!
so, as far as subliminal msgs towards me...the one pilot was poisoned. ohkay!???! the air marshall was a 'paranoid schizophrenic alchohlic' (sort of like how i am going to sound or do sound, plus i got a DUI, ranting all over facebook about being an alcohlic! whats up with that!?? am i falling into some sort of trap? am i really that predictable?
when i was driving in the car, i heard the spanish version for the baby bash song, 'is this an illusion, that i have in my heart?" that song, tu amor...illusion eh?
in the movie, julianne moores character says, 'control is an illusion'.
is it? is control an illusion!???
i noticed a few things tied into the malaysian flight, yet i am sure no one else in the theater took note of that! one of the characters said, 'you are the air marshall! you represent the government! you are supposed to protect us!" (like the government tricking us! fooling us) there is also a part where the news twisted everything around, and made him look like a paranoid schizo alchohlic (he lost his daughter to cancer
she gave him a ribbon (ribbon programming?) take note of the cancer thing...ill come back to that later...
the news frenzy, surrounding this missing malaysian flight. even fox news was talking about how all the news media ((cnn)) is talking about the missing plane! a news journalist had quit over the coverage this missing plane is getting! this is a distraction! and russia in the meantime is help ushering in the third world war! armagedon!
they even mentioned how this "missing plane" is keeping us from the CIA SPYING ON US!!! oh yeah! but thats old hat now! we all know this! right? cuz they are blatantly telling us!
the air marshall representing government, who was the hijacker the media portrayed him to be??? get it? hidden in plain site! (SPOILER) even the ((albeit movie bad guys turned out to be a black guy and a white guy DUALITY BLACK/WHITE, YIN YANG, CHECKERBOARD, MASONIC! COME ON NOW!! DONT YOU SEE???
up down as above so below!!!
'set up' the one guy said he was 'set up' to approach the air marshall he was offered 100.00 ((targetted individual. ))
he was set up to approach him with some banter. friday night some guy approached me with some banter, about if i saw anyone taking beer from his pitcher??? weird!?? gino said he was trying to hit on me. now im like, i bet he was just SET UP!
no one sees that this missing plane is part of the plan tho!?? come on! seriously!??!?
what else....yeah so...a few synchronicities. i was saying how i wanted to stop drinking, and the news reporter goes, "yeah do it" then i was like, sign! then a commercial, which uses the song 'signs signs everywhere signs'
SNL was on. drake was guest did a skit about being black and jewish. repeat. earlier in the week (pre 3rd dui) i posted about maybe being black and jewish (im not tho...).....also, heard a joke about a 'big brother' on SNL...
before that, a show was on...they were actually talking about the illuminati, and the new world order, they were talking about everything i research and study! then they said the armageddon and they used Bible verses, and said how we need to give our lives to Jesus Christ! at that moment, it was exactly what i needed to hear! i prayed for a SIGN or answers, and He did answer me! it helped ok?
so, about the missing malaysian flight, someone had mentioned the wheel of fortune.
i remember i had taken a picture by the wheel of fortune pinball machine.
here is what someone wrote about the wheel of fortune (also, remember the wheel in the sky/fast and furious/paul walker/wheel of fortune, fast and furious CARS DRUNK DRIVING DUI!??!
he Number 10 - "Wheel of Fortune."
Symbolized as the "Wheel of Fortune". It is a number of honor, of faith and self-confidence, of rise and fall; one's name will be known for good or evil, according to one's desires; it is a fortunate number in the sense that one's plans are likely to be carried out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi9sLkyhhlE
when the one cop had to go through my phone to call my parents to get me, he had this weird smirk on his face. cell phone equals invasion of privacy aka big brother. he knew who i was. hence the smirk.
what if all that was set up? cuz they knew i was out. why was there a bunch of bright lights blocking the way to get back?
i fell right into it.
no i am not blaming anyone, but still. now im in hallows way....and in a moment i will feel like i cant breathe. it will happen.
he Number 10 - "Wheel of Fortune."
Symbolized as the "Wheel of Fortune". It is a number of honor, of faith and self-confidence, of rise and fall; one's name will be known for good or evil, according to one's desires; it is a fortunate number in the sense that one's plans are likely to be carried out.
so anyways...i feel depressed and sort of hopeless now. i have no clue what is going to happen to me. jail? no money? no place of my own. no good job. what!??
i aint blaming anyone tho. i just want to be sober and be an inspiration. i am so sick of this job tho. i dont want to DEAL WITH IT!!! A WHOLE WEEK OR WORK WENT TO GETTING MY CAR BACK FROM THE TOWERS, AND I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT CAR FOR MUCH LONGER ANYWAYS!
am i missing anything else? yeah probably...i have to go to bed tho...
oh yeah, the cancer. it said on the news how a kid with cancer, even had no hair (his daughter liked ribbons because it represented the hair she wished she had) he had a BIG BROTHER program help him. he had a MOVIE THEATER party for him and a bunch of friends that night.
i mean, it is touching. poor child, no child deserves cancer. they are innocent children. and look at me, driving around after drinking. what if i crashed into that car, with that kid, with cancer? what if i had killed an innocent child, who had a far more difficult life!?? and me, driving around like a reckless, self absorbed, CHILD!?? you know! WAKE UP!
this ISNT FUNNY!!!!
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF! CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION! WAKE UP!
i cannot afford to feel sorry for myself! look at that child, sweet and happy, enjoying a party at the movie theater (i just thought it was weird how it was at a movie theater the same night reference was made to his daughter who had cancer)
but i cannot feel sorry for myself! i CHOSE to drive ((ACK THEY KEEP SAYING BIG BROTHER ON THE NEWS WHY!??? they are interviewing basketball team they keep saying big brother tho!??))
yes i chose to drive! i wasnt forced too! i did it! now i must pay the consequences! i cannot feel sorry for myself! i am selfish! i am self absorbed! i am an adult! what if i crashed and killed a CHILD!??! and INNOCENT CHILD!!! AND HERE I AM, ALL WORRIED ABOUT ME! WORRIED ABOUT THE FINES...ACTING LIKE IM A HERO, OVER SOMETHING LIKE CHOOSING TO DRINK AND DRIVE! I AINT NO HERO! I DID IT! I COULD OF HURT SOMEONE! I DONT NEED WORDS OF SUPPORT I NEED TO GROW UP! I NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID! I NEED TO STOP FEELING SO FUCKING SORRY FOR MYSELF!!! GROW UP LORI! SERIOUSLY
friday night...(no rehashing tho!!!)...actually....saturday night, i saw the movie 'non stop'. now, before the movie, i didnt think anything awry about my friday night. i was flogging in misery after mollys (flogging mollys!? ) whats flogging mean?
i cannot rehash or i will feel suffocated. nope not gonna DO IT!!! damnet life!
(i have my own ulterior plans. i am not as nice as i portray myself. i have a backup fuel tank (idk LOL)...to keep me going. i cannot give up! i just cannot do it! i want to obtain something more then what i keep allowing myself to be stuck in! LIMBO!! i have been stuck 'in the middle' for too long! i need to JUST CLIMB OUT OF THIS LIMBO! i have a dark side. i pretend i am sweet and nice, but i am not. i am emotionless. i am careless, reckless. i pretend i admit to my problems, but do i really!??)
I prayed to God. He answered me last night. It truly made me cry. I felt his love for me as a father does for their child. I want to welcome the Lord into my heart, to guide me, to help me live life the way He wants me too! I want to be an inspiration! I want to share my story!
so during this movie, what made me start questioning Friday night were a few things...
first of all, the character "Marx" (?) is an air marshall. air marshall. he studies us, and he have no clue who he is? he knows who we are, but we do not know who he (or she..) is....((kind of like, big brother?)
the term 'big brother; was used in the movie too. the movie theater reminded me of a plane too, with the seats. i was wondering, 'are there any "air marshalls' here, amongst us, in this crowded theater!?
SPOILERS!!!
so, as far as subliminal msgs towards me...the one pilot was poisoned. ohkay!???! the air marshall was a 'paranoid schizophrenic alchohlic' (sort of like how i am going to sound or do sound, plus i got a DUI, ranting all over facebook about being an alcohlic! whats up with that!?? am i falling into some sort of trap? am i really that predictable?
when i was driving in the car, i heard the spanish version for the baby bash song, 'is this an illusion, that i have in my heart?" that song, tu amor...illusion eh?
in the movie, julianne moores character says, 'control is an illusion'.
is it? is control an illusion!???
i noticed a few things tied into the malaysian flight, yet i am sure no one else in the theater took note of that! one of the characters said, 'you are the air marshall! you represent the government! you are supposed to protect us!" (like the government tricking us! fooling us) there is also a part where the news twisted everything around, and made him look like a paranoid schizo alchohlic (he lost his daughter to cancer
she gave him a ribbon (ribbon programming?) take note of the cancer thing...ill come back to that later...
the news frenzy, surrounding this missing malaysian flight. even fox news was talking about how all the news media ((cnn)) is talking about the missing plane! a news journalist had quit over the coverage this missing plane is getting! this is a distraction! and russia in the meantime is help ushering in the third world war! armagedon!
they even mentioned how this "missing plane" is keeping us from the CIA SPYING ON US!!! oh yeah! but thats old hat now! we all know this! right? cuz they are blatantly telling us!
the air marshall representing government, who was the hijacker the media portrayed him to be??? get it? hidden in plain site! (SPOILER) even the ((albeit movie bad guys turned out to be a black guy and a white guy DUALITY BLACK/WHITE, YIN YANG, CHECKERBOARD, MASONIC! COME ON NOW!! DONT YOU SEE???
up down as above so below!!!
'set up' the one guy said he was 'set up' to approach the air marshall he was offered 100.00 ((targetted individual. ))
he was set up to approach him with some banter. friday night some guy approached me with some banter, about if i saw anyone taking beer from his pitcher??? weird!?? gino said he was trying to hit on me. now im like, i bet he was just SET UP!
no one sees that this missing plane is part of the plan tho!?? come on! seriously!??!?
what else....yeah so...a few synchronicities. i was saying how i wanted to stop drinking, and the news reporter goes, "yeah do it" then i was like, sign! then a commercial, which uses the song 'signs signs everywhere signs'
SNL was on. drake was guest did a skit about being black and jewish. repeat. earlier in the week (pre 3rd dui) i posted about maybe being black and jewish (im not tho...).....also, heard a joke about a 'big brother' on SNL...
before that, a show was on...they were actually talking about the illuminati, and the new world order, they were talking about everything i research and study! then they said the armageddon and they used Bible verses, and said how we need to give our lives to Jesus Christ! at that moment, it was exactly what i needed to hear! i prayed for a SIGN or answers, and He did answer me! it helped ok?
so, about the missing malaysian flight, someone had mentioned the wheel of fortune.
i remember i had taken a picture by the wheel of fortune pinball machine.
here is what someone wrote about the wheel of fortune (also, remember the wheel in the sky/fast and furious/paul walker/wheel of fortune, fast and furious CARS DRUNK DRIVING DUI!??!
he Number 10 - "Wheel of Fortune."
Symbolized as the "Wheel of Fortune". It is a number of honor, of faith and self-confidence, of rise and fall; one's name will be known for good or evil, according to one's desires; it is a fortunate number in the sense that one's plans are likely to be carried out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi9sLkyhhlE
The song of Blood, Sweat and Tears named Spinning Wheel. Check out my other music videos!
here are the lyrics to the song:
What goes up, must come down ((as above so below?))
Spinnin' wheel, got ta go round
Talkin' 'bout your troubles it's a cryin' sin ((ive been posting up and down facebook like its a crying sin i got pulled over)
Ride a painted pony,
Let the spinnin' wheel spin ((wheel of fortune))
Ya got no money, and ya
Ya got no home
Spinnin' wheel all alone
Talkin' 'bout your troubles and ya
Ya never learn (true dat)
Ride a painted pony,
Let the spinnin' wheel turn
Did ya find a directing sign ((yes))
On the straight and narrow highway? ((yep!))
Would you mind a reflecting sign
Just let it shine, within your mind
And show you the colours that are real. ((flashing cop car lights))
Someone is waitin' just for you ((the cops were!))
Spinnin' wheel spinnin' to
Drop all your troubles by the river side ((jimmy said i should of just walked to riverside))
Catch a painted pony
On the spinnin' wheel ride...huh
Someone's waitin' just for you
Spinnin' wheel's spinnin' true
Drop all your troubles by the river side
Ride a painted pony, ((like in a carousel))
Let the spinnin' wheel fly.
Spinnin' wheel, got ta go round
Talkin' 'bout your troubles it's a cryin' sin ((ive been posting up and down facebook like its a crying sin i got pulled over)
Ride a painted pony,
Let the spinnin' wheel spin ((wheel of fortune))
Ya got no money, and ya
Ya got no home
Spinnin' wheel all alone
Talkin' 'bout your troubles and ya
Ya never learn (true dat)
Ride a painted pony,
Let the spinnin' wheel turn
Did ya find a directing sign ((yes))
On the straight and narrow highway? ((yep!))
Would you mind a reflecting sign
Just let it shine, within your mind
And show you the colours that are real. ((flashing cop car lights))
Someone is waitin' just for you ((the cops were!))
Spinnin' wheel spinnin' to
Drop all your troubles by the river side ((jimmy said i should of just walked to riverside))
Catch a painted pony
On the spinnin' wheel ride...huh
Someone's waitin' just for you
Spinnin' wheel's spinnin' true
Drop all your troubles by the river side
Ride a painted pony, ((like in a carousel))
Let the spinnin' wheel fly.
when the one cop had to go through my phone to call my parents to get me, he had this weird smirk on his face. cell phone equals invasion of privacy aka big brother. he knew who i was. hence the smirk.
what if all that was set up? cuz they knew i was out. why was there a bunch of bright lights blocking the way to get back?
i fell right into it.
no i am not blaming anyone, but still. now im in hallows way....and in a moment i will feel like i cant breathe. it will happen.
he Number 10 - "Wheel of Fortune."
Symbolized as the "Wheel of Fortune". It is a number of honor, of faith and self-confidence, of rise and fall; one's name will be known for good or evil, according to one's desires; it is a fortunate number in the sense that one's plans are likely to be carried out.
so anyways...i feel depressed and sort of hopeless now. i have no clue what is going to happen to me. jail? no money? no place of my own. no good job. what!??
i aint blaming anyone tho. i just want to be sober and be an inspiration. i am so sick of this job tho. i dont want to DEAL WITH IT!!! A WHOLE WEEK OR WORK WENT TO GETTING MY CAR BACK FROM THE TOWERS, AND I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT CAR FOR MUCH LONGER ANYWAYS!
am i missing anything else? yeah probably...i have to go to bed tho...
oh yeah, the cancer. it said on the news how a kid with cancer, even had no hair (his daughter liked ribbons because it represented the hair she wished she had) he had a BIG BROTHER program help him. he had a MOVIE THEATER party for him and a bunch of friends that night.
i mean, it is touching. poor child, no child deserves cancer. they are innocent children. and look at me, driving around after drinking. what if i crashed into that car, with that kid, with cancer? what if i had killed an innocent child, who had a far more difficult life!?? and me, driving around like a reckless, self absorbed, CHILD!?? you know! WAKE UP!
this ISNT FUNNY!!!!
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF! CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION! WAKE UP!
i cannot afford to feel sorry for myself! look at that child, sweet and happy, enjoying a party at the movie theater (i just thought it was weird how it was at a movie theater the same night reference was made to his daughter who had cancer)
but i cannot feel sorry for myself! i CHOSE to drive ((ACK THEY KEEP SAYING BIG BROTHER ON THE NEWS WHY!??? they are interviewing basketball team they keep saying big brother tho!??))
yes i chose to drive! i wasnt forced too! i did it! now i must pay the consequences! i cannot feel sorry for myself! i am selfish! i am self absorbed! i am an adult! what if i crashed and killed a CHILD!??! and INNOCENT CHILD!!! AND HERE I AM, ALL WORRIED ABOUT ME! WORRIED ABOUT THE FINES...ACTING LIKE IM A HERO, OVER SOMETHING LIKE CHOOSING TO DRINK AND DRIVE! I AINT NO HERO! I DID IT! I COULD OF HURT SOMEONE! I DONT NEED WORDS OF SUPPORT I NEED TO GROW UP! I NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID! I NEED TO STOP FEELING SO FUCKING SORRY FOR MYSELF!!! GROW UP LORI! SERIOUSLY
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)