rants and stuff

all i want is a happy, cozy life! why can't this just happen!? i want to be healthy! i want to eat healthy! no egg noodles, no soda! no white bread, starches, potatoes! lack of greens, lack of nutrients. lack of vitamin D or my thryoid medicine. i am so sick of my jagged hair. i want nice, healthy hair. i want to exercise. i want to get back into a routine. i am sick of grapefruit juice with a corned beef and egg noodle leftover dinner. i need to get tan. i need hot tea. i need to do a workout video! i need to feel like i am revived, not eternally sleepy.

i am sick of waking up at  6 am and going to this job full of older, factory people. i dont know...the lady next to me is nice. she always talks about the rearranging and making ready for her 'spring' curtains and furniture. she talks about how she worked at that place for 31 years, and she talks about how she loves disney world, and how she goes to church. but she has a sort of, bored tone to her, as does everyone there. its a lacking tone. like, 'this is what i have to do...i have to go to kohl's and buy some new stuff for the house'. its like the tone i take when i talk to my parents. a sort of...muted tone. like...'yeah' even tho i feel this bubbling energy beneath my surface, that i just cannot release because i have no reason too. i go to this dumb job, then i come home and hang out around my parents. there is also some boomhauer (from king of the hill) lookalike at this job too, who complains about getting sick. they all seem the same. lack of sunlight for hours at a time inside some weird warehouse/factory/dry cleaning esque place does that to you. it is depressing, it takes all my energy and it is turning me to a muted face. a muted down version...of life. i can feel my awful hair, my pale face, my terrible nutrition, my lack of exercise, my weekly checks being drained, the future of court and fines, fees and possibly jail time, all of it...including seeing facebook posts. people's lives change...people meet someone, get engaged, get married, have babies...people get good jobs, people post bad news, i dont know!??! i moved out, went to california, thought i had the world ready and set for me, to save up money. i dont care to go out! who the hell cares about going to macgradys!? all we did was sit there, and i was a third wheel basically, watching those two kiss each other and stuff...mike was in bethelehm but sara doesnt like him. i could of went with him at least he could of driven. it wasnt even fun. i can feel all of this, killing me. i can feel it. i can feel the impatience growing and boiling, as i try to remain casually nuetral about sitting around, unshowered, pale and a double chin i get in the winter time, sick of the cold...i can feel it aging me. agitating me. yet i can still feel that wonder, that same wonder i always had, that bright eyed feeling of hope, and of the possibilities. i can still taste the grapefruit juice, and the boiled potatoe that also tastes like cooked carrots, soaked from the corned beef we had from the 'crock pot' for st pattys day dinner last night.

i can feel my eyebrows, all messy and in need of a good tweezing....the pad i am STILL wearing, after what seems like a month of wearing! yeah! i have been wearing pads for 3 weeks!??! what is wrong with me!?? i can feel the hypo thryoidism getting more hypo. i can feel life draining away. the thought of ever having a baby diminishing. it will never happen, will it?

marble is watching my mom on the table putting a puzzle together.

anyways, im trying to put the puzzle together!???!

who knows!??!

i thought of something strange...

that friday, when sara mentioned a house party, (which i didnt care about going too) it wasnt even! everyone was outside ((brrr!!!) smoking cigarettes. 

i was going to leave, in fact, i said it twice that i was going to go. i had to pee so bad so the girl that was there said i can use her bathroom. now that i think about it, the girl looked and reminded me of cat from california, moss's friend, who...just got out of JAIL!??! wtf is that!????

forshadowing??? damn man!! not cool!!!!!

i noticed something. very tragic. i added a friend because a friend i did have, my photographer friend, told me one of his friends  who did PR, had the same name as I, Lori Brown. so i added her and i msgd her to tell her who i was.

she since got married and changed her name, also has two young kids. i was scrolling today and saw a post on hers. it was her mother. she was posting on behalf of her daughter, saying that she is sad to say that her daughter, Lori, had passed away in her sleep saturday night. that is sad. i also cannot help to think, what if i had gotten into an accident friday night, and died? would my mother have to post on my behalf?

i feel sad for her family. 

my cousin sabastians girlfriend schenley is in the hospital she is going into labor! wow! what an exciting time!!!