3rd DUI

so, i didnt even have time to take a nap and relax and enjoy the weekend before i got a msg from sara saying they are going to bethlehem later. i dont know why i went. i wouldn't of minded staying home with the cats and sleeping in. why go to bethlehehm? plus i avoid drinking and driving. why drive all the way up there, and then, buy drinks? find a spot to park etc. try to avoid getting towed. i found myself taking a shower and getting ready. it was pretty lame. i ordered a pitcher of beer, not even sure why? i saw that sara and gino were sharing a pitcher, and both had some beer from my pitcher. i wasn't feeling it really. gino stopped drinking and we had wings. then we left to walk to his friends house they said a party was going on there, but it was just his people standing around outside. it was cold, uneventful, and boring. i said i was gonna go home. sara wanted to go to mollys. i used the persons bathroom. i really just felt like going home at that point. sara wanted to go to mollys. too cold to walk to mollys, but we ended up going there. she ordered a beer for us, and we walked around and went to the bathroom. some girl was hunched over the toilet. real classy. we went back out and took a bunch of pics. tried to walk to the dance section too crowded. silly. guys tried to talk to us. gino was texting sara messed up stuff. i dont know. she wanted a shot. i didnt. i didnt want to pay for one! she didnt have money and she ordered two soco and limes, yuck! i dont do shots. after that we left. i then went home. on the way home, i was about to get off the one...jughandle (?) to get on 22 and when i was pulling up i seen that it was closed off and the cop came up to my car yelling at me. they obviously could tell i was drinking and i they handcuffed me and put me in the car. i kept asking does this mean i am going to jail? i also said i wanted to kill myself. they kept asking me, you are saying you are going to kill yourself? i said yes. i wanted to die. they took me to the DUI center. another guy was there, then some girl who, upon seeing me cry every once in a while, felt too sober to be there, and commenting that she is sober, asking how many people they bring in each night. the guy was saying, 'man i messed up tonight' laughing about it. i just kept crying here and there, struggling to hold my bladder. they would not let me use the restroom even tho i was on the verge of peeing myself. i was a disgusting, sobbing mess.  finally at one point i just stopped crying, they let me use the restroom and then they took my blood and my BAC. i forget what they said it was??? i had a pitcher of beer, (i gave some to gino and sara), also a michelob and a shot of soco at mollys. it may have been .15 (way higher than the legal limit).

my parents picked me up.

i posted about being dead. at that point, i was considering having mike kill us both. we can close off the air thing in the car and run the engine, and slowly fall asleep to our deaths. i told my parents i was going to have mike kill us. this destroyed them to hear this. they said, 'do you really want to live your <after>life in hell? <html> i dont know why i was saying that. it seemed everything i was working for is no longer.

i woke up this morning to consider a new path. i posted on facebook about wanting to quit drinking. im a facebook junkie. i facebook for other peoples amusement. i post for other peoples entertainment. i am a saga, a new chapter. i think i am like another lindsey lohan, or paris hilton, getting a DUI. i post about wanting to be sober. i post like a fool. like a foolish fool. like an attention depraved, somewhat mind not fully developed, retarded, dumb-ass, bored, stupid idiot fool!

i want to be sober! i am so bored of drinking really. i mean, sure, it is fun sometimes. i had a bunch of fun plans with my friend to go to a speakeasy type place and have a dirty shirley temple, so me saying i want to quit drinking is just my shameful guilt speaking, trying to get some pats on the back...i say i dont want likes or comments, but really i do. i am merely seeking attention, a few, 'you can do it!' and comforting words of support, but do i truly want it? i can still see myself drinking again.

they say if you have two duis, then you are an alchohlic. this will be my third. i may have jail time, loss of license for 6 mos, 1 year..10 years...not quite sure. my previous 2 DUIS were in the state of NJ over 10 years ago (i think!???) i had one in PA which was erased due to the ARD program, so this would be my first DUI in the state of PA. i need a lawyer.

they say you are an alchohlic. my problem is, i will drink, then i will keep drinking. i havent drink and drove in a long time. if i go out, i never drive. i will drink at ppls houses. i will drink to the point of black out. i dont stop. i will drink and post online, cringing at the thought of what i may have posted. i wake up feeling extremely depressed, having ruined the whole day. i miss out on a good church sermon, or a nice stroll outside. i will break into bouts of crying, for no reason at all!? not because someone died, not because i am burdened, but for no reason at all!??

i want to live a healthy, balanced, productive life, but i will not be able too now. what happens now? what do i do with my self, my life!?

i was in the shower, thinking about being an inspirational Born Again christian. i will come clean with all my sins. i will be able to speak about terrible things i did in my life, mistakes i made, actions i did not care about, how i have no respect for myself, how i just do not care about myself or my body. i will feel no more shame, these feeling of being exposed, guilt and shame. i will feel free to speak about my past, because that was the guilt Jesus gave me to know that I am not living the life He wants me to live. i will feel free and pure once i admit to my wrongdoings. will i be able to do it?

at one time, i had a list. this list was that of a materialistic nature, things i wanted, things i was hoping to have. more tattoos (dont need them! its more scribbling on my temple. my body is my temple). playstation 4 (dont need any more spyware or distractions!), a tea set, (no more new age mumbo jumbo for me!).....LED headlights, (no need too if i dont DRIVE!), all these material things, what do they even mean?

i want to be an inspiration, and live life FULLY and i want to feel WHOLE! i want to feel the love of Christ in my life! I do not want to feel the distractions, or the shame, or the exposingness that i feel....

i feel so exposed. i want to feel balanced. cozy. i want to wake up in the morning and have a nice cup of....um...tea? (mumbo jumbo SPIKED tea that is!) what is with my 'sense of humor"..its a demonic sense of humor.

wow!!!!

God, please guide me! I ask of you.

the end