ughh

i feel so gross at work. they had us back at uhler, where most of the workers teeter and totter into the building like weebles people. the people that work at this uhler are all much older, having been working at the swimsuit factory type setting for 30+years. there are all the older women, who know nothing much about other work, save for a few office type jobs they like to talk about, for the past three or so decades. i realize for me, this is just a temp job, in which i am happy enough to have at this moment in my life, in so that it helps me save up some money. waking up at 6 am is way too early for me, but like i said, it is a job for now, and that is all that matters. I usually take a shower every other night, simply because taking a shower around here is a quick race to get out of the shower, due to its very light shower stream and the ability to get significantly cooler within moments of getting into the shower. i only have time to wash my hair with a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner, (which leaves my hair very static prone), and body scrub and washcloth/soap. sometimes, yeah, i do like to shave, but that is something i havent done in a while. what do i care? i don't even wear makeup! i dont do my hair! i don't dress up! and i am paying for it. i feel miserable. let's see...for example, my period has been here for the past two weeks, however it has been very light. i wasn't even sure what was going on, but just when i thought it was over, i realized that i saw bright red blood meaning a whole new slew of fun would be occurring within the next few days. my period gets very heavy the first few days, and sometimes it leaks right through a tampon which is why i have to always wear pads too. so yes, my period leaked. all day today at work, it leaked. i was so distracted that i knew I was folding the swimsuits very sloppily and putting them into the bags very sloppy. i felt like crying all day, and i felt so nasty and disgusting. my hair feels like a ragged, jagged mess, with strips of my bangs pointing out all aeon flux like. i can feel the fat growing back in my belly, which muffin tops over my gap corduroy pants i bought last year. it feels awful. i hate the feeling of belly flab, it just does not feel good. it feels good to a nice taut tummy, where you don't feel extra muffin hanging over the waistline of my pants. i am gaining back all the weight that i tried so hard to lose last year. last year i had my own kitchen, and i went to the gym 5 times a week. after a while, it is not hard at all to go to the gym, once you are in that mindset. i am not in that mindset here. i love my mom and i am grateful that she does like to cook for me. yes, i do feel guilty because i am perfectly capable of cooking for myself, but i am just so tired. i haven't been taking my thyroid medicine in so long. she makes me breakfast, which i love, but she makes a lot of scrambled eggs and white toast with big pats of butter, and sausage. and lunch is whatever...and dinner lots of red meat...tonights dinner was very good tho. egg noodles with a flavorful breaded chicken, sauteed up onions, (in a different pan that my dads who is very picky, ) sauteed cabbage, carrots, also some green beans with slivered almonds, as well as a mozzerella and tomato caprese salad. i haven't been working out since our gym membership ended a few weeks ago, but i do need to join again. i am just feeling very depressed lately, i feel like a disgusting mess. plus it is so cold out...yesterday was a nice day out and i came home and opened up the door to let in some fresh air. my parents were out. i layed on the couch (like i do every day i come home from work) and had a taken a nap. lately i have been wearing my glasses. i just feel so blah and depressed lately. i know simple things like driving in my car and hearing good music can brighten my day...or even having a good laugh...idk...i just feel very depressed, and like i was saying the other day, i should have a kid, or kids even...but I don't. I have nothing going for me. im working at this lame place...slowly (very slowly) saving up money. but who am i? what am i capable of? i remember when i was going to graphic and web design school, i felt i was capable of creating anything! video games! animations! i felt like, had i really, truly wanted to, maybe back then with my mindset, i could of interned at adult swim or conan! (saw internships there)...surely now it is too late for that, that dream is heeding towards nothingness. i have no clue what to do with my life!??! i would like to fly out to LA next month and try to get into the MTV movie awards (conan is hosting!) but aside from another cool night with possibly more good photos with stars and celebs, what truly would i get out of it? loss of money saved to buy my own plane ticket out there? (cuz moss aint gonna buy my plane ticket!) then of course i would have to blow my money on cute outfit to wear for the awards, not to mention that i gained back, oh, 15 pounds since the summer. as i talk to people who have kids, i think to myself, why don't i have a kid? why don't i have someone i will raise, be there for, someone who can look up to me and i can spend my time with them, even use them as an excuse to go to kids movies or disneyland!! lol! and why can't i have a bridal shower? will that ever even happen to me? baby shower? i am getting older...i need to do something with my life. i can't just...do what i am doing. i heard a song on the radio at work the other day, 'it just takes some time in the middle after all, by jimmy eats world, and i remember i used to think that was my song, like..13 years ago when it came out...well, its still taking time! geez! when will 'it' ever be here!?? jimmy eats world!???! ya know!??? daggggg!!!

sigh...just a rant! oh im not worried now about meeting someone i am going to marry or have a kid with...i mean, i give myself 2 years and what not...i just tend to think this stuff because being around pregnant ppl at work or facebook ppl who are having kids are raising kids...and i feel like i am just a big ol' loser!