i went to AA tonight. i figured, well, a facebook friend had told me about it. on the drive over, i had to drive past stewartsville. stewartsville, which brought back memories. drinking, drinking..drinking...oy! that dollhouse (AHHHH WTF !??! oh my gosh i just said oy, and i heard that on family guy right now!?? WOW weird!???!)) SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? DO I HAVE A MIND OF MY OWN!?? DID THAT LEAVE AN IMPRESSION!?? NO!! THE WORD 'OY' JUST SEEEMED TO OF WORKED, DRINKING DRINKING DRINKING OY! DRINKING AND DRIVING IS SO MUCH FUN!?? (it isnt tho..i never drink and drive! seriously! when i want to drink, i found a house to drink at. truly...i use people. i admit it. i use people, for a place to drink. i will just hang out and watch youtube, and drink by myself all night, posting online..

if i go out, i have someone else drive!!! 

hmm...so i went to the AA meeting tonight...

yeah i just wrote, DRINKING DRINKING DRINKING OY!

THEN ON FAMILY GUY, RIGHT AFTER I WROTE THAT, IT WENT, YOU SOUND LIKE A JEW OY!

WTFUC!??!

so i went to the aa meeting, which was fine and all...i mean, in that way...that church basement, coffee, meetings, 'im an alchohlic,' (i'm not honest...im a theif, im a liar...i don't want to be exposed...i don't want to bring attention to me, i feel like people judge me too much, i use alcohol to help me cope???)

i drink because i like it, i guess. i will have one beer, and i need another one. and another and so forth and so forth....i like how it makes me feel?? it makes me feel more comfortable if i am in a group or it will help me deal it will help me feel more invincible? nah? it will help me not give a shit!? yah! i am so worried that everyone thinks the worst of me...worse...

this isnt directed towards anyone nor is it for anyone in particular to read, i am doing this because i do not mind exposing my feelings, my thoughts, but online, as a 'safe' journal of sorts. i don't mind writing all about my life and my thoughts, but when it comes to raising my hand and talking about myself, my problems, my issues, i feel uncomfortable doing so. i feel like everyone sees me as 'a certain kind of special', or as a big joke..etc. what, you don't!??! you mean to tell me, i am not some sort of joke!?? i'm not some sort of, strange person who cannot speak clearly!?? someone you have to mock? someone you think you are better than because everything on my mind is here on this blog!

the one woman, a sponsor who has been sober for 21 or so years...anyways, she asked me what my deal is..how many duis i have...then she says, 'you know your going to jail right?' i found that shocking that she would just say that. wtf???

i tried to act normal but that really upset me. no one wants to go to fucking jail! i might be like, so be it, but hell no! i will fight NOT to go to jail and i am hoping to get a lawyer who will fight for me. no i will prove that i do want to stop drinking...

she said 2 months in jail, 3 months in rehab...then probably probation..honestly, i dont even know what probation is!?!??

what is probation!??! i have no idea....i know i don't like the sound of it tho...

or jail. i don't want a felony on my record. but truthfully, i have had alot of issues...with my driving record. i LOVE driving! i LOVE to drive! i love to listen to music and have the freedom and ability to drive! i couldn't imagine not driving. i have lost my license before...yes..i can deal..

i dont know what to say anymore.  this blog isn't going the way i want it to go tho....im tired....and kind of annoyed.

i was going to write more about AA but im too tired, plus it is meant to be anonymous, i dont want to break any more laws!?!??!?