stories!

I am more interested in the small details of people's lives, that everyone overlooks. I like the aspect of ASMR because it is what makes us human. We are humans, we should not be ashamed of it or punish ourselves or try to get on some other secular level or status. There is no reason to achieve some sort of astral connection to the annunaki or whatever. Let's just be humans! Let's just be proud to be humans! ASMR is pretty basic, but the videos I watch focus on the things that make us human. The little things. Connections we feel with others, relaxation etc....as I said before, when I was in jail, I had the idea of writing books describing mundane things, such as taking a shower, cooking, eating a meal etc...but this was before I even knew about ASMR. These will be stories tho, not videos. Reading takes ASMR to a different level, because this way our eyes read and focus and each individual word works to build together a basic foundation to developing the canvas into opening and awakening our minds and imaginations. It brings us there.

For example:, She turns on the hot water, and a steady, meditative stream consisting of several different flows of water drop out, each stream forming a nice, pressurized account of warming water. Steam begins to formulate and she feels the temperature of the water. She unzippers the back of her dress and lets it fall to the floor, and she steps out of her..underwear (panties? hey! this aint supposed to be sexy tho)...and steps into the perfect shade of lukewarm water. From there, she chooses her herbal essence shampoo and lathers her hair with it. The delicate aroma of freesia combined with honeysuckle transforms the room into a tropical spa...(Ooh a shower asmr video would be nice!)

i dont feel like finishing this asmr story, i will when i have time to dedicate to finishing it...

but i was using asmr STORIES as a template for things that interest me. i like to know about peoples habits, i like to catch a glimpse into someones life, but the mundane details. i like to know how they wake, what they cook....

i would like to start up a fb group or something about people who like this, but it is hard. i would also like to do a support group so that we can share asmr videos and what not, and support each other by watching each others videos, it is good especially for those who do not have a big youtube following.

here are things i would like to know about others:

- What is on your cellphone?
- What is in your fridge?
- What is in your shower?
- How does your keychain look?
- How does the inside of your car look like?
- How does your makeup collection look?
- How is your handwriting?
- How does your bookshelf look like?
- What did you cook?

etc stuff like that....

but anyways, i am pretty tired. long wknd. lisas baby shower and church and a church dinner. i had things i wanted to say, but the coffee i had made my stomach feel all nervous.

i dont know...uh...yeah...so lisa is married with baby on the way. my cousins are married,,,you know..everyone is married everyone has kids/babies on the way..

everyone...except me. and i am almost 40 now..yeah..((synch too, in the car ride home from church i told my parents i feel like a LOSAH like donald trump says well we stopped at dunkin donuts and we ran into this lady i recognized as a little girl, she went to our church in flemington..when i was just a lil girl growin up in the 80s. she said something about a LOSAH and donald trump...i was like, ''weird!??!"


i feel like a (CUE DONALD TRUMP a LOSAH!) i am stuck here...stuck!! i am living with my parents, no car..nothing. i have a 2nd dui, i do not have a caring boyfriend. i am lonely. i feel nuetral about life. what else? oh...so today at church, they asked all the veterans to stand up and share what they did and what branch they were in.

someone who went to afghanistan stood up (the new youth pastor)...also others who were in nam, and my uncle who was in the airforce, and my dad who was in the marines etc...

i was in the military, but i never completed training. do you know how bad i feel, how much of a LOSAH i feel for not finishing, for not bucking up, (just fucking up)...i mean, i blame my parents...i blame them for not making me a more stronger woman. my dad is wishy washy. my mom..well...i cant continue to blame anyone...but they pleaded for me to get out, with my sargeants. they let me out because they felt sorry for me. they did want to make me an MP (military police), or a medic, or even a supply sargeant (lol)...anything ya know? i would of had pride. i would of finished my 5 years...(i had 3 years in the reserves after)...GI Bill...veteran...i wish i did it. i am really upset that i never finished it. look what kind of daugther my parents have....who am i? what am i? im a ..losah. i am a disgrace. an embarassement. i am a grown child adult. i feel like this is how i appear to people. i hate when my parents introduce me to people, or to ppl at the church. i am embarrassed i have nothing to be proud of.

i do not like to reveal my age because i feel i have not accomplished anything. i am not proud so i do not want to brag, especially about being in hollywood or being around 'stars'. my dad always tells people (well not always) but he talks about how i was around alot of famous ppl but that is just embarrassing. so what? like, that doesnt mean anything. i didnt do anything productive.

i feel sorry for myself alot, i guess...

anyways, um..the mother of that girl who had high school pics..or, they were too sexy for the yearbook, she sometimes comments and she also msgd me about her book. so i ordered her book on kindle. im telling you, this is good. its alot of empowerement, and good advice. i just started reading it, (its a sort of feminist, self help book?? i guess!?) idk..but it is good and i really need to start seeing myself as someone with POTENTIAL!! SOMEONE WHO IS THE STAR OF MY WORLD, A GODDESS!

lol...and yes, i have stories. i have a lot. and i am INTENDING TO WRITE THEM! WHEN I PUT MY HEAD TO SOMETHING, I CAN REALLY WRITE GOOD. I JUST NEED FOCUS, WHICH MEANS, NO INTERNET! NO TV! NO LAPTOP ON MY LAP! I NEED TO SIT AT A DESK, AND WRITE. LET THE WORDS FLOW!

i have so many things i want to write about too!!!!

my stories....the anand jon story, DUI story....my life idk...

fiction stories, (i have written my ideas here before), childrens stories, ASMR STORIES!!!

tween fiction, all kinds of shit.  I CAN DO IT! I KNOW I CAN!!

mm hmm...

well...thats all for now.

i have a few other things on my mind...but maybe another time.

triggering ringtones and such

haylo!??! so...mike texted me earlier, or yesterday, about going to friendlys because he had gotten an ad for a new french dip burger. i am not too keen on burgers...idk...or friendlys but whatever...sigh

so we went tonight...i do not prefer friendlys per se. i have not actually 'went out' in a long time, so i would like to go out to a fancy type establishment. i had to go to allentown for sasi and allentown reminded me of the big city, and made me feel like going to a fancy ish place...but friendlys, that is a kid friendly place and the menu consists of burgers and melts. mehhhh. mike is not that sophisticated. i mean, that is just how he is. its ok. he invited me to go so i was happy that he did so. i need human interaction. i need mental stimulation. i have forgotten how that is.

i ordered the fish and chips...after that we rented a movie, entourage. i wanted to watch it in my room because i wanted to sleep here, not at his place. well of course, mike passes out and snores so loud! i cant even enjoy the movie. i get upset because we cant even enjoy watching a movie together. i put on my earthquake headset and watched it on the floor. 

in the movie, i heard a ringtone, and it just...well, it reminded me of something...someone who used that as their alarm...when i lived in los feliz. that guy who was a DA and looked like bon jovi lol...it was weird to hear that ringtone...

so i was watching the new tim and eric bedtime stories, and again, i heard a triggering ringtone. this time, it was for the old cellphone i used to have..my first cellphone...a cheapie one...but the ringtone, it was the one i had used...

it was just odd ya know? well then i went on facebook, and well, i saw this:

it is exactly what i ordered at friendlys....

weird...

Attempting to manage my hair

11/1/2015

Hey....there...???!?! Whomever, you may be!??! Lurkers? Stalkers? Randoms??? Fans?? uh...snoops!?? I have no idea!?? I mean, I also realize that I have not blogged in a long time, but I actually feel like, 'why?" WHY!? What is the point? I have nothing interesting going on, and I truly do not believe I have any dedicated followers who simply MUST see what my blog has in store. I feel as if I outgrew it, actually, I do not feel this way at all. I feel as if I outgrew...life. I just feel completely numb, and hopeless. I feel nuetral to everything. I no longer feel excitement, I feel nothing. Perhaps a muted sense of stunted growth..am I moving forward? Am I moving backwards? Am I just stuck in the pergatory of realizing life does not really have much to offer? Maybe once I have a little life growing inside me, I will be able to move on to the next chapter, but for now, I just forgot how it feels to want, or need...

I mean, I have been working. A lot. I started out in the packing department at Majestic. That was pretty boring. I had co-workers that I had to work with. It was about, four of us. We would stand around our table and fold shirts, or hang jerseys, whatever the orders told us to do. The hispanic girl was our team leader, I guess you can say. I never did know her real name. It was hard to pronounce. Izzy? That is what the other one and I would call her. 

Well, we had a few people at our table. And we had our veteran coworker, Tim, who has been working at Majestic for five years. The rest of us were temps. Once it started slowing down, they moved a few of us to stocking, where we would rearrange and restock the merchandise. Something sad happened to me. I do not want to share. It hurts me everytime I think about it, and I break down in tears. I was so careful to do everything I could. Anyways...it does not matter now.

I just know how careful I was being when I was stocking, but it was ok because none of the boxes were heavy. Oh my goodness...

Anyways, a week or so after we have been stocking, as well as some light receiving), they started sending us home early, so we knew that we were going to get layed off...

Only I did not get layed off. They called me and said they had another position for me, so I went in for an interview and I have been working in lazer cutting ever since.

Pretty much, lazer cutting is actually part of the process of the Major League baseball uniforms...process...

I run the computers and printers, and work by myself essentially. Another woman, Jeannie, and I are the only ones there at night. We each have our own computers and printers to run. I have to finish off the orders from the day people, and it is really annoying because i have to finish what they did.

Oh well. I work from 4pm to 3am...its ok, although I was working non-stop for the past two weeks. Overtime! 

So...anyways, last night I had went to the most boring Halloween party ever! Mike R. invited me to a party at Marz Bar, but then Mike invited me to a party that Ryan and Emily were having. 

I knew from past parties how boring their parties are. The only time it was kind of fun is when they had it outdoors, it was in the summer, and we were playing that red cup game, (Christian was still around too), and Larinn was drinking so she was being really nice and fun and she kept making me take jello shots). I do not drink anymore, but I still can hang out, I guess...

I really would of preferred to just watch a horror movie marathon. Ah well. I did not have a costume so I did my makeup like a chola! I did my hair and makeup like that and buttoned the top part of my red plaid flannel...wore a white tee shirt underneath and baggy black pants, and made it look like a gunshot wound to my forehead. 

So, despite being at their house a bunch of times, we could not find it for the life of us. I guess Ryan added a new part to the house, which made it look bigger. Oh before the party Mike and I stopped by Westons and him and Larin were handing out candy to the kids. Weston really loves Halloween, he is a celebrating Pagan freemason after all!??! They do not have kids, but they decorate it up like a haunted house. It is cool I guess, kind of weird...but...whatever Idk...I have not been around anyone in such a long time..I have not really communicated much with people, aside from work...and I hang out with my parents. Oh on Saturday we did stop by the Pop-Icon event that our friend Lee had put together. He invested a few thousand to rent out the empty JC Penneys to host this convention. There were some unknown celebrities there, wrestlers, old actors and actresses, and vendors. I got Mike an autographed glossy from one of the actors from that movie, The Warriors, since Mike really likes that movie. The guy who played Swan. That movie is a cult classic for the punk scene, back in the 80s. It had taken place in Coney Island. Am I with Mike? Well, I would not say that. I'm not with him...I just, not sure why I got him that thing. Whatever...I just think I still need people in my life. We need friends. We need people in our lives, despite how lonely we think we can be. sigh...No one likes to be alone...even if they say they do, they do not. We need human connection. I guess...

So anyways, the party was boring, like I said. See, here is the thing. I never feel as if those people are very friendly. I mean, Mike is never...um, what is the word I am looking for...considerate enough to say, "Hey guys. Oh, you know Lori"...he just does not introduce me. I mean, I have met them all before, still tho. And those people never go out of their way to say hi to me either. Weston and Larin always say hi and give me a hug, but when we went to Emily's, the people just look. Oh yeah, Larin was not being friendly this time (at the house), it was as if she was ignoring us...shrug... I just feel very awkward, I feel almost as if they are going out of their way not to be friendly or welcoming towards me, as if I am some sort of diseased wicked woman they must avoid. I think I am just being weird tho...but see, as I was saying, here is the deal...I want to host parties. I would love too. And if that happens, I will go out of my way to make EVERYONE feel welcome and comfortable. I will greet everyone, and if they bring a guest, I will look them in the eyes with a confident look and a nod and say, 'hello!' I will also tell everyone where they can get a drink or where the food is. And I will have an abundance of drink to partake of and food. I will make sure the fridge is stocked with beer, and I will ask if someone prefers wine, or maybe a mixed drink, (or non alchohlic choices too if they are not drinking) I just think it is courtesy. I will be friendly. I will have music playing. I will make sure I arrange everything so that people can comfortably move about and mingle. At this party, there was confusion as to where to go. And even tho i did not drink, it did not look like anyone really was. I mean, it was an adult party yes, but there were some kids there...it was not like the parties of years ago, when drinking games would lead to loud mouthed party fouls, and I do not expect that either. Eh, I just did not feel comfortable there. No one even noticed my halloween outfit. I went out of my way to make comments about their costumes, but I just felt like, people would not really communicate back with me. Maybe it is because Mike is not too keen on the art of small talk, he always talks about football and that is majorly boring for all. Include me, Mike!??! WTF!?? ughh I don't know...it was just very awkward and uncomfortable...I mean, I talked to people but in a very, topical way. I think that is just the way it is anymore, however. I do not think anyone knows how to engage..I think people just do not genuinely care. One guy was telling me that he was on SASY, like I am...his color was the same as mine; crimson. Sometimes I just feel like crying. Nah not really, but my friend Gabby got caught drinking, she is still in Northampton. They moved her. I cannot imagine how she is doing now!??! I want to write her a letter. so yes the guy said he was on sasy for a year, but he also failed the etg test because 'he drank about 20 beers the night before his test' pshhhh) you dont do that shit!??! wtf! ughh...see i do not even think it is worth it...but i dont miss it at all. like i said, its not the NO DRINKING that bothers me, it is the feeling that they have taken my being away from myself...they took my soul, my essence...i am enslaved to this state now. i cannot go anywhere. i cannot plan a trip. 

idk............i think that is why i feel the way i do.....

Ice Cube - You Know How We Do It

makes me want to smoke a good spliced one lol idk but yeah...right ? and a bit of hennesy? wink

ASMR Whispered House Tour | Our Little Cottage Home

what a nice beautiful sunny home! i want a sunny house!

my little pony

new tattoo idea: VINTAGE my little pony! None of this new my little pony brony crap, i want the old school MLP i grew up on! i also want to order a bunch of MLP's on ebay. i need to start up my tattoo's again. vegas vicky left arm, collarbone blah blah BLAH MY LITTLE PONY