i wanted to make a post about a few synchronicites and stuff that occurred, but first....i need to rant. i feel my body twisting up and i feel angry, i feel my heart beating very fast...i can feel the blood in my veins boil. i must write my sister a letter, but i need it to be heartfelt. why write it and be a hypocrite? i need to have at least a month of sobriety to address to lisa her own alcholism. the only reason i want to write to her is to keep a promise that sage asked me too. i need to write a letter...sigh. i understand if all my posts are getting on her nerves, they are getting on my nerves in fact! i dont want to be one of those people who keep gloating about how sober i am! especially when boredom and anger strike up. i will feel like i cant breathe, the novelty of expressing how happy i am to quit drinking is starting to wear down, like some sort of bipolar spell i had, now breaking down. who am i kidding!?? im going to drink again....im sure of it. (i cant say that tho! i wont drink! more on that later..another blog. its late and i have stupid work tomorrow)fine, i will write about the weird syncronicities in a bit. as with lisa tho..ok the thing is, i get very annoyed with kims post. she is very self indulgent, but am i now being the way lisa is with me? kim loves to get attention and compliments, and i think it is kind of self indulgent. im sure lisa sees my constantly posting about how i want to be sober, and i think secretly it is eating away at her, because she may think i am trying to get more attention, and alot of ppl are posting helpful comments and likes...she feels like she needs that help and support, but she is still too proud to ever admit to anyone she has a problem. she doesnt take to facebook to post about her problems, like i do. shes a strong woman, she is, but she is also very fragile, and scared. she feels alone. she feels like she is dying. i want to help her! she is straight up with me yet no one is straight up with her. everyone is just 'fake friendly' with her. she needs someone to say, "Listen! You have an addiction to alcohol! you need to stop!" as her sister, i am going to be the one to do that. i made this promise to sage! and she may retaliate by trying to find my weaknesses and use that against me. she wont want to hear it so she will use her intimidation tactics that she knows how to use, but i will not allow it. if she calls me, then i know that is what is going to happen. which is why writing her a letter is so crucial. i need to write this letter! i need to say all these things without her resorting to her defense mechanisms.
i need to write her a letter. despite the tough persona she has, she is very fragile. anyways...
i have been meaning to post about these 'set up
who is playing this game of chess!??
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
3rd DUI
so, i didnt even have time to take a nap and relax and enjoy the weekend before i got a msg from sara saying they are going to bethlehem later. i dont know why i went. i wouldn't of minded staying home with the cats and sleeping in. why go to bethlehehm? plus i avoid drinking and driving. why drive all the way up there, and then, buy drinks? find a spot to park etc. try to avoid getting towed. i found myself taking a shower and getting ready. it was pretty lame. i ordered a pitcher of beer, not even sure why? i saw that sara and gino were sharing a pitcher, and both had some beer from my pitcher. i wasn't feeling it really. gino stopped drinking and we had wings. then we left to walk to his friends house they said a party was going on there, but it was just his people standing around outside. it was cold, uneventful, and boring. i said i was gonna go home. sara wanted to go to mollys. i used the persons bathroom. i really just felt like going home at that point. sara wanted to go to mollys. too cold to walk to mollys, but we ended up going there. she ordered a beer for us, and we walked around and went to the bathroom. some girl was hunched over the toilet. real classy. we went back out and took a bunch of pics. tried to walk to the dance section too crowded. silly. guys tried to talk to us. gino was texting sara messed up stuff. i dont know. she wanted a shot. i didnt. i didnt want to pay for one! she didnt have money and she ordered two soco and limes, yuck! i dont do shots. after that we left. i then went home. on the way home, i was about to get off the one...jughandle (?) to get on 22 and when i was pulling up i seen that it was closed off and the cop came up to my car yelling at me. they obviously could tell i was drinking and i they handcuffed me and put me in the car. i kept asking does this mean i am going to jail? i also said i wanted to kill myself. they kept asking me, you are saying you are going to kill yourself? i said yes. i wanted to die. they took me to the DUI center. another guy was there, then some girl who, upon seeing me cry every once in a while, felt too sober to be there, and commenting that she is sober, asking how many people they bring in each night. the guy was saying, 'man i messed up tonight' laughing about it. i just kept crying here and there, struggling to hold my bladder. they would not let me use the restroom even tho i was on the verge of peeing myself. i was a disgusting, sobbing mess. finally at one point i just stopped crying, they let me use the restroom and then they took my blood and my BAC. i forget what they said it was??? i had a pitcher of beer, (i gave some to gino and sara), also a michelob and a shot of soco at mollys. it may have been .15 (way higher than the legal limit).
my parents picked me up.
i posted about being dead. at that point, i was considering having mike kill us both. we can close off the air thing in the car and run the engine, and slowly fall asleep to our deaths. i told my parents i was going to have mike kill us. this destroyed them to hear this. they said, 'do you really want to live your <after>life in hell? <html> i dont know why i was saying that. it seemed everything i was working for is no longer.
i woke up this morning to consider a new path. i posted on facebook about wanting to quit drinking. im a facebook junkie. i facebook for other peoples amusement. i post for other peoples entertainment. i am a saga, a new chapter. i think i am like another lindsey lohan, or paris hilton, getting a DUI. i post about wanting to be sober. i post like a fool. like a foolish fool. like an attention depraved, somewhat mind not fully developed, retarded, dumb-ass, bored, stupid idiot fool!
i want to be sober! i am so bored of drinking really. i mean, sure, it is fun sometimes. i had a bunch of fun plans with my friend to go to a speakeasy type place and have a dirty shirley temple, so me saying i want to quit drinking is just my shameful guilt speaking, trying to get some pats on the back...i say i dont want likes or comments, but really i do. i am merely seeking attention, a few, 'you can do it!' and comforting words of support, but do i truly want it? i can still see myself drinking again.
they say if you have two duis, then you are an alchohlic. this will be my third. i may have jail time, loss of license for 6 mos, 1 year..10 years...not quite sure. my previous 2 DUIS were in the state of NJ over 10 years ago (i think!???) i had one in PA which was erased due to the ARD program, so this would be my first DUI in the state of PA. i need a lawyer.
they say you are an alchohlic. my problem is, i will drink, then i will keep drinking. i havent drink and drove in a long time. if i go out, i never drive. i will drink at ppls houses. i will drink to the point of black out. i dont stop. i will drink and post online, cringing at the thought of what i may have posted. i wake up feeling extremely depressed, having ruined the whole day. i miss out on a good church sermon, or a nice stroll outside. i will break into bouts of crying, for no reason at all!? not because someone died, not because i am burdened, but for no reason at all!??
i want to live a healthy, balanced, productive life, but i will not be able too now. what happens now? what do i do with my self, my life!?
i was in the shower, thinking about being an inspirational Born Again christian. i will come clean with all my sins. i will be able to speak about terrible things i did in my life, mistakes i made, actions i did not care about, how i have no respect for myself, how i just do not care about myself or my body. i will feel no more shame, these feeling of being exposed, guilt and shame. i will feel free to speak about my past, because that was the guilt Jesus gave me to know that I am not living the life He wants me to live. i will feel free and pure once i admit to my wrongdoings. will i be able to do it?
at one time, i had a list. this list was that of a materialistic nature, things i wanted, things i was hoping to have. more tattoos (dont need them! its more scribbling on my temple. my body is my temple). playstation 4 (dont need any more spyware or distractions!), a tea set, (no more new age mumbo jumbo for me!).....LED headlights, (no need too if i dont DRIVE!), all these material things, what do they even mean?
i want to be an inspiration, and live life FULLY and i want to feel WHOLE! i want to feel the love of Christ in my life! I do not want to feel the distractions, or the shame, or the exposingness that i feel....
i feel so exposed. i want to feel balanced. cozy. i want to wake up in the morning and have a nice cup of....um...tea? (mumbo jumbo SPIKED tea that is!) what is with my 'sense of humor"..its a demonic sense of humor.
wow!!!!
God, please guide me! I ask of you.
the end
my parents picked me up.
i posted about being dead. at that point, i was considering having mike kill us both. we can close off the air thing in the car and run the engine, and slowly fall asleep to our deaths. i told my parents i was going to have mike kill us. this destroyed them to hear this. they said, 'do you really want to live your <after>life in hell? <html> i dont know why i was saying that. it seemed everything i was working for is no longer.
i woke up this morning to consider a new path. i posted on facebook about wanting to quit drinking. im a facebook junkie. i facebook for other peoples amusement. i post for other peoples entertainment. i am a saga, a new chapter. i think i am like another lindsey lohan, or paris hilton, getting a DUI. i post about wanting to be sober. i post like a fool. like a foolish fool. like an attention depraved, somewhat mind not fully developed, retarded, dumb-ass, bored, stupid idiot fool!
i want to be sober! i am so bored of drinking really. i mean, sure, it is fun sometimes. i had a bunch of fun plans with my friend to go to a speakeasy type place and have a dirty shirley temple, so me saying i want to quit drinking is just my shameful guilt speaking, trying to get some pats on the back...i say i dont want likes or comments, but really i do. i am merely seeking attention, a few, 'you can do it!' and comforting words of support, but do i truly want it? i can still see myself drinking again.
they say if you have two duis, then you are an alchohlic. this will be my third. i may have jail time, loss of license for 6 mos, 1 year..10 years...not quite sure. my previous 2 DUIS were in the state of NJ over 10 years ago (i think!???) i had one in PA which was erased due to the ARD program, so this would be my first DUI in the state of PA. i need a lawyer.
they say you are an alchohlic. my problem is, i will drink, then i will keep drinking. i havent drink and drove in a long time. if i go out, i never drive. i will drink at ppls houses. i will drink to the point of black out. i dont stop. i will drink and post online, cringing at the thought of what i may have posted. i wake up feeling extremely depressed, having ruined the whole day. i miss out on a good church sermon, or a nice stroll outside. i will break into bouts of crying, for no reason at all!? not because someone died, not because i am burdened, but for no reason at all!??
i want to live a healthy, balanced, productive life, but i will not be able too now. what happens now? what do i do with my self, my life!?
i was in the shower, thinking about being an inspirational Born Again christian. i will come clean with all my sins. i will be able to speak about terrible things i did in my life, mistakes i made, actions i did not care about, how i have no respect for myself, how i just do not care about myself or my body. i will feel no more shame, these feeling of being exposed, guilt and shame. i will feel free to speak about my past, because that was the guilt Jesus gave me to know that I am not living the life He wants me to live. i will feel free and pure once i admit to my wrongdoings. will i be able to do it?
at one time, i had a list. this list was that of a materialistic nature, things i wanted, things i was hoping to have. more tattoos (dont need them! its more scribbling on my temple. my body is my temple). playstation 4 (dont need any more spyware or distractions!), a tea set, (no more new age mumbo jumbo for me!).....LED headlights, (no need too if i dont DRIVE!), all these material things, what do they even mean?
i want to be an inspiration, and live life FULLY and i want to feel WHOLE! i want to feel the love of Christ in my life! I do not want to feel the distractions, or the shame, or the exposingness that i feel....
i feel so exposed. i want to feel balanced. cozy. i want to wake up in the morning and have a nice cup of....um...tea? (mumbo jumbo SPIKED tea that is!) what is with my 'sense of humor"..its a demonic sense of humor.
wow!!!!
God, please guide me! I ask of you.
the end
Thursday, March 13, 2014
thailand
you know, i am interested in volunteering in thailand. it looks like a beautiful country. i would love to help out in elephant city. i would be with other volunteers of course, i would have a safe place to stay at, and we would also learn of the culture of course. i am gonna do it.
however, i saw this. i know thailand is also a big part of human trafficking. its very sad that sick pervert pedophiles go there to have sex with children. i would want to save them all. someone commented that kids as young as 5 walk around with price tags on them, so that sick pedophiles can have sex with them.
i wish i could help.
http://thedirty.com/2014/03/who-is-trinity-warren/#comments
however, i saw this. i know thailand is also a big part of human trafficking. its very sad that sick pervert pedophiles go there to have sex with children. i would want to save them all. someone commented that kids as young as 5 walk around with price tags on them, so that sick pedophiles can have sex with them.
i wish i could help.
http://thedirty.com/2014/03/who-is-trinity-warren/#comments
edna krabapple masonic floor
this is kind of odd....on last weeks simpsons, flanders was dancing with edna krabapple who was wearing a red dress, on top of a checkerboard floor, in between two pillars. then he woke up to say how much he misses her. RIP marcia wallace.
hmm...
i call it de ja vu
hey! so...lorde. ughh...she seems like a contrived...witchy...weirdo!??! i dont know, something about how lanky her hair looked at the grammys...her hair was like my hair, except hers was on purpose! it looked all ratty and uncombed...
there is this girl at my job, (not the one i have been doing at uhler, at the stockertown one). her name is fane, (pronounced fawn, like my middle name). she is albanian, and seems to think she is so cool for being so. i sometimes think she is waiting for me to blog about her, so well, here goes...i think she thinks i am jealous of her? well, i am not. she blasts basic music...radio music, and sings along to, "saw a girl that looks like you, i guess its de ja vu (((speaking of girls that look alike...back to that in a minute!))) she blasts the radio and her and her friend giggle and laugh. at one point i thought they were both going to come to where me and other Lori were, and start dancing all weird and singing along, like a bunch of goofball girls during a sleepover, and like us loris are the old, grumpy ones, jealous of the youthful energy of the young lordes. (those brittish kids started dancing around like a bunch of goofballs, jazz handing it up, but that michael lipmann guy got mad or something. they were being too loud i think? i forget tho. that was the night moss was kind of...idk..cheesy joking it up. facepalm!)
in fact, whenever i hear the songs from lorde, it makes me think of that girl fane. i dont know why, im just weird like that. i wear strawberry scented lotion at work. yum! i actually used to go to school with this girl that looked like her, i guess its de ja vu...yeah, at warren tech, aka, the napoleon dynamite esque 'alternative' school (jk it aint, warren tech is a vocational h.s where students can learn skills design to help them get careers in the real world. it is actually very good as it has helped a few of my friends, guys mostly tho, get the skills they needed for the careers they have now, such as CAD or...idk, electrician, automotive..whatever. i went for commercial art.
there was one girl that looks like fane now. well, except she had a 'taco bell ground meat style' perm, sort of like the childlike empress hair (from neverending story 2) (cept they dont LOOK alike, just the kind of hair!), she also wore glasses. that fane girl does not, but she does sort of have some sort of throwback perm.
anyways, enough on that rant. lorde.
lorde looks like dissociative hollywood priestess kylie jenner.
see?
*footnote (ha! i said, not the one i have been doing ) i remember that girl fane said her dad owns a pizza place, but she was saying it like, 'pita' then someone asked what she was having for lunch she said, 'pita' and the other lori was like, 'whats pita?" i was like, come on! you know what pita is!!?? its not some like, exotic meal!??! so i was like, (for real i was like), oh, did you say 'pizza or pita? or pita pizza?" (idk HA!)
speaking of HA! simpsons!!! i had a weird dream so i wrote on facebook, 'i keep thinking about this dream i had. HA!" (like how mrs crabapple says it) they played an episode where she goes HA! then someone else said, 'i had the same dream"
they also played another episode prior, with some weird stuff, but i am not going to write it just because i am distracted....homer ate baking soda, and lisa had to call poison..other weird stuff...was it intentional? btw, im not gonna write about my dream...unless you had the same dream?
i am so distracted....:/
but yeah , no it wasnt...HA! whatever! i need a shower its late
there is this girl at my job, (not the one i have been doing at uhler, at the stockertown one). her name is fane, (pronounced fawn, like my middle name). she is albanian, and seems to think she is so cool for being so. i sometimes think she is waiting for me to blog about her, so well, here goes...i think she thinks i am jealous of her? well, i am not. she blasts basic music...radio music, and sings along to, "saw a girl that looks like you, i guess its de ja vu (((speaking of girls that look alike...back to that in a minute!))) she blasts the radio and her and her friend giggle and laugh. at one point i thought they were both going to come to where me and other Lori were, and start dancing all weird and singing along, like a bunch of goofball girls during a sleepover, and like us loris are the old, grumpy ones, jealous of the youthful energy of the young lordes. (those brittish kids started dancing around like a bunch of goofballs, jazz handing it up, but that michael lipmann guy got mad or something. they were being too loud i think? i forget tho. that was the night moss was kind of...idk..cheesy joking it up. facepalm!)
in fact, whenever i hear the songs from lorde, it makes me think of that girl fane. i dont know why, im just weird like that. i wear strawberry scented lotion at work. yum! i actually used to go to school with this girl that looked like her, i guess its de ja vu...yeah, at warren tech, aka, the napoleon dynamite esque 'alternative' school (jk it aint, warren tech is a vocational h.s where students can learn skills design to help them get careers in the real world. it is actually very good as it has helped a few of my friends, guys mostly tho, get the skills they needed for the careers they have now, such as CAD or...idk, electrician, automotive..whatever. i went for commercial art.
there was one girl that looks like fane now. well, except she had a 'taco bell ground meat style' perm, sort of like the childlike empress hair (from neverending story 2) (cept they dont LOOK alike, just the kind of hair!), she also wore glasses. that fane girl does not, but she does sort of have some sort of throwback perm.
anyways, enough on that rant. lorde.
lorde looks like dissociative hollywood priestess kylie jenner.
see?
*footnote (ha! i said, not the one i have been doing ) i remember that girl fane said her dad owns a pizza place, but she was saying it like, 'pita' then someone asked what she was having for lunch she said, 'pita' and the other lori was like, 'whats pita?" i was like, come on! you know what pita is!!?? its not some like, exotic meal!??! so i was like, (for real i was like), oh, did you say 'pizza or pita? or pita pizza?" (idk HA!)
speaking of HA! simpsons!!! i had a weird dream so i wrote on facebook, 'i keep thinking about this dream i had. HA!" (like how mrs crabapple says it) they played an episode where she goes HA! then someone else said, 'i had the same dream"
they also played another episode prior, with some weird stuff, but i am not going to write it just because i am distracted....homer ate baking soda, and lisa had to call poison..other weird stuff...was it intentional? btw, im not gonna write about my dream...unless you had the same dream?
i am so distracted....:/
but yeah , no it wasnt...HA! whatever! i need a shower its late
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
tumblr stuff
tumblr stuff
so i follow a few tumblr stuff and i guess for some reason i am following tumblr porn stuff...not porn per se, ok? but softcore stuff...modeling...just models i shouldnt say PORN! but some modeling stuff....well one of the sites its like a perfect 10 type stuff....pics of models with 'inner thigh gaps' and bow legged heart gaps under the butt (most hottest eyecandy) super thin waists and model esque type girls...perfect faces, lips, eyes...breasts, legs...super skinny...very annoying...i also follow some 'nerdy girl' tumblr page where the girls are chubby, big boobs, nerdy type girls (i dont know how or why i am following these tumblr pages) but its such a difference when i am scrolling down my tumblr feed. from super annoying 'perfect 10' types to chubby sloppy nerd girls...ya know? what is hot? i guess all guys (or females right? ) prefer different types of looks. why limit oneself...why beat yourself up over a perfect 10? if you have confidence, you can be the hottest person around! it is still very hard to feel sexy however, when you see these beautiful creatures..maybe i will find some pics to put up here..juxtaposition..
aaaaahhhhhctually, here i am scrolling finally hottestgeeknerds or whatever came up, and um...thats a little too vulgar for my tastes. yuck. you can be sexy and not vulgar!!! so im not gonna put up any pics from that!!
but heres some of the..unreal perfect 10s...(:/)
too skinny little girl body ^
i also follow inked and sexy which is tattooed girls...(cool!)
you know, i did a photoshoot a while back and the jerky photographer still hasnt sent the photos. come on! just send me the pictures geez!!!!
so i follow a few tumblr stuff and i guess for some reason i am following tumblr porn stuff...not porn per se, ok? but softcore stuff...modeling...just models i shouldnt say PORN! but some modeling stuff....well one of the sites its like a perfect 10 type stuff....pics of models with 'inner thigh gaps' and bow legged heart gaps under the butt (most hottest eyecandy) super thin waists and model esque type girls...perfect faces, lips, eyes...breasts, legs...super skinny...very annoying...i also follow some 'nerdy girl' tumblr page where the girls are chubby, big boobs, nerdy type girls (i dont know how or why i am following these tumblr pages) but its such a difference when i am scrolling down my tumblr feed. from super annoying 'perfect 10' types to chubby sloppy nerd girls...ya know? what is hot? i guess all guys (or females right? ) prefer different types of looks. why limit oneself...why beat yourself up over a perfect 10? if you have confidence, you can be the hottest person around! it is still very hard to feel sexy however, when you see these beautiful creatures..maybe i will find some pics to put up here..juxtaposition..
aaaaahhhhhctually, here i am scrolling finally hottestgeeknerds or whatever came up, and um...thats a little too vulgar for my tastes. yuck. you can be sexy and not vulgar!!! so im not gonna put up any pics from that!!
but heres some of the..unreal perfect 10s...(:/)
i also follow inked and sexy which is tattooed girls...(cool!)
anyways
i also follow other tumblrs..idk...just thought about it..idk...
mike keeps asking like hes not going to be around for much longer...i dont know what i would do or how i would feel if he just kills himself. i tell him its very cowardly but he is also saying that. he doesn't want to be here on this planet anymore.
writing exercise
Walking through the woods, Shayla glanced at the sunshine peeking through the bare trees. She felt a question being answered from deep within her being. "Yes," the forest whispered to her.
Shayla closed her eyes at the thought of this. She'd imagined that is what she would hear. A coy yet humble smile crept over her face, and she sighed a huge breath of forest oxygen.
This is where Shayla goes, to communicate with her spiritual half. This is where she gets the answers, the ones that she seeks.
She asks to be guided, by her spirit guides. The spirit guides that answers, the answers that she seeks.
Shayla closed her eyes at the thought of this. She'd imagined that is what she would hear. A coy yet humble smile crept over her face, and she sighed a huge breath of forest oxygen.
This is where Shayla goes, to communicate with her spiritual half. This is where she gets the answers, the ones that she seeks.
She asks to be guided, by her spirit guides. The spirit guides that answers, the answers that she seeks.
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