very upset

Lisa did not want to post right away that she is pregnant. She is 3 months, but she wanted to make sure. she didnt even tell me. my mom and sage only knew. moss took that joy about announcing it away from her by hinting that 'if the rumor is true'. our cousin nicole saw that and she commented, ?...because wth does that even mean?? i asked moss, 'who told you' but my sister deleted that. obviously she does not want anyone to know. he is completely clueless! he wants to seem like the hero or gush about it, and pretend as if me or my parents ran to moss to gush to him the good news, when indeed that did NOT happen. what happened was HE read this blog. and in his very inconsiderate manner, he posts that on lisas page. without even asking me about it first. he saw that i wrote that i am hurt somewhat and i was upset, yet he goes and does that. if he was CONSIDERATE he would ask me about it. but he isnt. he is very SELFISH and EGOTISTICAL (because he only thinks of himself.)as to he goes ahead and posts that, without even privately msging her to confirm i am sure she is a little bit peeved at that, lisa pivo...but she will be polite to him. he is so clueless it will not even phase him that he took a little bit of joy about announcing it herself away from her. that is selfish. now, if she asks us who told him, what are we supposed to say? because none of us did...."no none of us told moss"

so how did he find out?

me-"oh, i blogged about it. yeah i was writing about how upset i felt when i found out."

i had two miscarriages last year, and it hurts. it does. it makes me very sad because i want a kid. also i am hurt because no one even told me about lisa

yet moss has to go and run and post if the rumor is true, and it seems as if i was so HAPPY to find out that i went and told moss. i didnt even talk to him. i went and told jay tho. because jay respects and understands me, and he is not going to run and confront lisa about it.


moss has no consideration towards my feelings, and this just proves it. he is very selfish and clueless.

also last night i tried to call him to talk to him about how upset i was, and he just hangs up on me. he texts me 'on a date' all arrogantly and obliviously.

he lives in a bubble where he wants to be so perfect.

if i am upset with him, which seems to be alot, i try txting or msging him, he will reply ,'going to the gym. be back later' and he will not even read everything i wrote, he doesnt care about anyone except himself. he just wants to look like the good hero

moss doesnt fucking think

please. tell him that. and if you do read this moss and blame it on kevin, then your a creep and a liar. regardless, i did not tell moss. i did not go running to tell moss lisas good news. so now who is she going to think told him? that was very selfish of him. he posted on her fb ,'if the rumor is true ...(and happy faces)'....what rumor? no one told him anything!?? so if i didnt tell him, and my parents and sage did not tell him, then who did? now lisa thinks i told moss. i dont even know how i feel about lisa being pregnant. actually i am  hurt. and moss goes and gushes to her and now i just...he is so inconsiderate. i am hurt that no one told me earlier. its as if she cant  even tell her own sister, like i dont matter. and my aunt sook is so happy about it. of course she is. i dont even want to bother with this fake happiness. i hate that everyone else gets engaged, pregnant, and that the only way you are a full person is if you are married or pregnant, and that people view me as an eternal teenager or something.


im very upset with moss. i dont think any one will even notice that i, well, i was planning on just being nuetral about lisa being pregnant. lisa did not even tell me sorry or offer condolenses when i had miscarriages. it just hurts you know? 

and moss just needs to be big ol moss, he thinks everyone loves and fawns all over him. i am really upset at him for congratulating her when NO ONE EVEN TOLD HIM! he knew because someone read my blog and told him.

that was very selfish of him to post 'if the rumor is true' first of all, no one told him! he didnt even consult me about it. he just thinks of himself. 

he wants it to seem as if i ran and told moss right away, the good news. if he was my friend, he would know that i feel hurt about it. he is clueless. he is not considerate of me he could of asked me. i am slowly feeling happy for lisa but for him to go and post that BEFORE she wanted to announce it, thats just selfish and fucked up. she did not want to telll anyone and now ppl can figure it out.  whats wrong with him!????

YAWN i am tired

So, its only a few of us at work, doing inventory and what not. its ok. sheryl is annoying tho!? shes getting on our nerves. the other lady i know from the jail is there too, anne marie. so it turns out, i am going to be an aunt again. my mom texted me. mike texted me midnight last night and said he was having a panic attack. i was sleeping. he wanted me to come over and have pizza. sigh. so he picked me up and i went back to his place and grabbed some of my things. i was looking through my old scrapbook of when i went to india and all that. its so strange, looking back at old photos. i also grabbed some more of my photo albums as well. i have some new albums and i need to put the pictures in it too. he was being nice to me. i need to tell him that i am looking to find someone and eventually get married and have kids. obviously mike does not want this. so, chatting with someone from pof...txting. its cool. he seems friendly enough idk...what else............i dont know...i got upset when i found out lisa is pregnant. she doesnt need me or my support. im not important to her life, so it doesnt matter. and my mom said my aunt is so happy. yeah of course. seems in order to get taken seriously, you need to get engaged and married and have a baby. 

i want to travel. i have always wanted too. i got in a bit of trouble lately, but i feel i should travel first before i have kids. volunteer. i want to do the missionary next year, to costa rica. and volunteer in thailand. then there is italy, tokyo...etc. i stopped feeling like my own person.

so i am chatting with that guy who is a teacher or professor, not sure. he is cute too. and funny, interesting. 

why did mike have to pick me up. i cant anymore. i need to talk to him. he cant just keep me around like this anymore. i want to meet someone. 

what else....so yeah, i got upset when i found out. idk...

i dont know what else to say. im tired.

Taylor Swift Walks Backwards In High-Heeled Wedge Boots To Avoid Cameras

so, we all know how she looks like...which is kind of boring..so why is she walking backwards? crowlian ritual trance walk? creepy weird

Midgetville-Weird NJ Video

SAIL - AWOLNATION (Unofficial Video)

reminder to download this song for my ipod

POF and what not

so, obviously i didnt go...seemed like a lot of planning, not to mention i would have to purchase my plane tickets as well as hotel and all that. sigh....so, today we went to the mall. the circus was in town, but we did not go. we did go to get manicures and pedicures. i got a pedicure. i wonder if you can purchase one of those pedicure chairs, with the foot spa and massage chair. i really want to find a fun girl friend to do these asmr type things with. shannan would but its hard with kids. you can find an old, comfy chair, and a foot spa, and one of those massage things to throw over the chair. and then do pedicure. i wonder what the difference between a regular pedicure and a deluxe pedicure. i also have an idea too, a sexy pedicure. the girl who did mine was a young girl, but it just gave me an idea. the girl can dress all sexy, wearing a low cut tank top and shorts or a bikini, and it can be like, erotic!??! ya know? like, she can push your feet into her boobs. i think anything sexy would work...idk (i didnt think that about the girl it just gave me that idea) of course, if i had a boyfriend, i would give him a sexy pedicure! speaking of boyfriends, jay has again expressed an interest in being in a relationship with me, and i have to admit, i have thought about it. we get along really well, and he is very nice and fun, all that. ya know? but i mean, i just...i dont feel like i want to, well you know...hop on top of him...:/ but i am wondering if i lost that ability to feel that way about anyone? i don't even remember the last time i felt attracted to anyone. maybe that john guy, but then he got weird. and that was like, 2 years ago. i know, when i see mike, that very safe, i guess, and familiar feeling comes over me. i miss that. i mean, i miss feeling familiar with someone. it takes a while for me to warm up to someone new. like, i get used to someones body, who they are, and it feels weird to try to connect that way with someone else. i cant do it. i miss feeling close to someone. i miss just, being used to someones hug or embrace. the kind of guy i date is taller then me, a bit bulky, (not fat but nice to grab), i dont really...like skinny guys!?! i mean, as far as body types....i like meaty necks..i dont know. i went to the grocery store and i missed when i used to go grocery shopping with mike. i was like, someone who goes food shopping and cooks food! healthy meals. we would rent redbox. why is he so mean to me? when he would txt me something somewhat nice, i would feel happy. and when he would be a dick to me, it would really hurt me and my whole day. even now, like friday, when he just...left!? i dont need that!

so i am seeing a few guys who msg me of POF (edit, no i am not 'seeing' them, i only met that one guy, who i didnt feel connection with..i meant on msgs..) who i think might seem nice. you can tell by the eyes. i notice that no guys in their 20s msg me tho!??! haha! its always like, older. well my age HA! or guys in their 40s. gosh! and i used to think 40s was so old. my!??! i dont know, a few guys msgd me who i might go out with. motorcycle! really important! i just love motorcycle rides. they are so romantic! but i dont want a rough rider type of guy...so......one guy is a teacher, cute, young, (35)...i remember when i was in high school, like 14 yrs old, there was a teacher in his 30s that would always flirt with me!??! wth!??!

anyways!?! so, like i said, there are some guys i think i might go out with. why not you know? anyways, i have to work tomorrow....so.......-_-

like i said tho, i just...forget how it feels to get excited about LIFE!!