his has been one of the saddest miscarriages i ever dealt with. You see, I would of NEVER of known I had passed my baby, if I never had taken a pregnancy test. The last one started off as a normal period, or so I thought, however, it was going on two weeks. Something was wrong!? Then the pain came. Terrible pains, I went to the ER to find out I had a miscarriage. After I stopped bleeding, it was about 2 months in which I haven't yet gotten my period. I had the miscarriage in late May, and it was August and I still haven't gotten a period!? I googled it and you usually get your period a month after the miscarriage. My mom bought me a pregnancy test, but I told her I am not pregnant because I would see a little bit of bright pink when I wiped. (Im sorry!??! just...keeping it real). I figured I would be getting my period soon. I did take the pregnancy test, and it came up positive. (I had taken it two weeks ago). I was happy tho when I saw the results. I just smiled and laughed, a bit nervous but happy too. I showed my mom test. I still have the test too, with the positive results. I can't look now or I will get upset. So, I called Shannan to set up an ultrasound where she works at, Life Choices. I stopped drinking, (it's been two weeks, doesnt sound like alot but for me, I am used to drinking every weekend (give or take a few wknds off) since I have been lets say....early 20s...I mean, I started drinking when I was 18, when I was in the Army, then I came home and would drink occasionally with friends, but not every weekend!?? Usually we would go bowling, or play pool, or go to the diner and drink coffee, or go to McDonalds at 2 am so we can get the breakfast menu in Columbia NJ. Or go to the movies, whatever. When I started dating Glenn, however, the first summer we would all just get 30 packs and drink amongst us, a 30 pack was enough for 4 or 5 of us tho!?? Wow, thats only 5 beers each!? I think we would also get a bottle of Crystal Palace vodka or Jezynowka brandy, and we would take swigs of that, plus we would smoke pot. Wow, my 36 year old self would probably find it lame hanging out with my 20 year old self back then! But you know, it was fun back then!??!?
I can't believe how time flies! Also, the first time I had gotten pregnant, I was 19. I think about that all the time. I could of had a 16 or 17 year old now. I could of been married, to Danny. I feel guilty about that now. I was working at K-mart, and I used to look at the organic baby clothes all the time, ready to have a baby, but then I decided to have an abortion. My friend Missy told me to keep the abortion money Danny gave me to buy baby clothes. I regret that decision till today.
As I was saying, two weeks isnt a lot but I wanted to stop for my baby. Everyone was excited for me, happy for me. Even Mike was too. I was worried however, because I was bleeding, very lightly. When I got my ultrasound, she saw the little sac. It was tiny, like a peanut...(cries)...then she gave me some prenatal vitamins and folic acid, along with information that will help me. She told me I was 5 1/2 weeks.
I started bleeding more heavily, so Saturday night I went to the ER in Wilson, right by where Mike lives. Oh, we saw a movie, Into the Storm. I was in the ER for a while. They had taken my blood, and the medical assistant gave me the remote so I was watching Pulp Fiction. Then the dr told me my beta quantity levels were good, 2900 which is normal for 6 weeks.
We were happy to hear the baby was ok! Last night, I was driving home from the group, and I sneezed and felt a clot come out. That worried me so, I started crying. I knew I should not be passing clots. (I passed some small clots Saturday night which is why I went to the ER). I came home visually upset and went to the bathroom and felt another clot fall out and plop into the toilet. I had to go to the ER again.
They brought me into a room, bloodwork and all. Ultrasound. U. technician was very quiet. I was rolled back to my room. My mom and I started talking about something funny, (I figured I was over-reacting and everything was ok), so we were laughing. Then the dr walks in and told me my levels dropped to 900 and that I had passed the baby, I had a miscarriage. Ultrasound found nothing. I felt my expression draining from smiling and laughing to a shocked, shaken, worried look and I said, "no!" then i started crying.
My mom hugged me. This was the saddest news I ever had to endure. Last time I didn't even know I was pregnant so I was unable to start thinking in terms of being pregnant, having life grow inside of me, being a mother. This time I had two weeks to start thinking about that. I stopped drinking, I started taking pre-natal pills. It is such a shock to me, and I feel so lost...I was carring life, now I am not.
I see everyone posting pics of their kids, talking about their kids, being proud of their kids. It is so hard. My friend is pregnant, (I had no idea she even had another kid!??!) I deserve a child!
This is so hard dealing with. I still made a promise to myself, that I will not drink. I know I smoked some pot tonight, but that just helped me a bit. I don't know. this is very hard.
My parents want grandchildren. Of course they want me to get married first, and do it the right way...but will I ever get married!??? I mean, im older now. It is hard to meet someone, and who am I going to marry!? Then have kids with!??!
I am very depressed.
anyways...
yawn
idk anymore...........................................:(
oh yeah, shannan told me that my uterine lining could of been thin, because when the zygote cell implants itself (it burns through the uterine lining which can cause implantation bleeding)...then in nestles safely within the uterine lining. if the lining is too thin, then it will not be able to implant thoroughly..(no curser so i cant see where the cursor is!??)...why does that do that!??
sometimes, if the uterus doesnt have time to heal, that happens, or prior abortions can make the uterine lining thin. they will give the woman progesterone hormones to take to build up the lining. shannan told me she was going to give me hers i probably still would of had the baby!?? so why didnt she!???! :(
i need to make and ob/gyn appt. i slept so late today....i need to wake up early. i am just so depressed. idk...im so depressed
