thoughts

See, the other month, I looked at AJ's fb for some reason, I forget why? He posted so I wanted to see if he had a new girlfriend or something?? Idk...but that prompted me to seek out Dennis's fb...and I found it. (my ex) he is no longer married to that annie girl, but seems to have a new wife? maybe? idk...he looks good. he has been keeping up with working out, he has a beard now, (which is hot), he's a dr, he even has a kid. it made me feel kind of depressed for a quick minute...but, now im like, why? 

you see, i do not LIVE in the past. he was part OF MY PAST. he is no longer a part of my life now. it would be weird to get back with him. i focus on the now. on the present and most definately on the future.

another thing that baffles me is, why stay with someone who obviously does not respect you. lying to someone IS a form of disrespect. making someone believe that they are monogamous to that person, when really they are not, IS disrespectful. but if you are not with that person, (even if you share a kid, if you are no longer together anymore,) than why the fuck would you care or worry over who they talk too, or who they see for that matter?

i'm not saying anything  due to personal instances, right now i am single, but because i am not ready to try to meet anyone. i am focused on getting my life together, i am focused on doing what i have to and what i must for the time being.

i have like, 3 guys on fb trying to ask me out. I AM NOT INTERESTED!  one is a guy from the church, who is the brother of rich rau. he goes to the church and i talk to him, but im not really interested in hanging out with him. another one is this guy on fb who will ask me out once in a while, i guess he worked with me at penn foam but honestly, i do not remember him. im not going to go out with him. and now, this guy who knew me from belvidere hs is trying to ask me out. i work all the time and now on the weekends i try to spend time with sage, or get my place together. i really do not have time, (nor do i want too) go out with anyone, and if i do its mike. 

i am glad i am not with anyone from my past. get over it. 

i would not want to be eternally linked to someone who disrespects me. says one thing and means another.

also, twice i have been insulted, or at least..attempt to insult. "you are almost 40" sanjana jon used to say that WHEN I JUST TURNED 30!?? i mean, since when is almost being 40 a bad thing?

i live, i learn. i live in the moment. we all age. we will all die. i am living now. i am getting by. i will get by.

i am not looking to meet anyone right now, like i said. women have babies well in their 40s. 

yes, the dui really fucked me up. its been two years since i have had it, and i am still suffering from it, but best believe me, when i am finally off of sasi, i will feel so grateful. i am also going to write about it. this dui cost me about 10k. any plans to move, go on trips, what have you, have to be put on the side burner. i gave up dreams and goals because of this dui. i was going to move out earlier but those plans came to a halt because of that. i mean, i do not regret anything , i learn.

i am paying rent now. i have a nice, cozy cottage. i am not on welfare, (i am on housing ASSISTANCE) i am planning on moving out. when i get a car, (slowly but surely), i will start regaining my freedom back. then i will imagine i will start dating or i dont know, im not worried about it. eventually i will get a nice country home and i will write and publish my books and stories, i will travel, i will start a family (but if it doesnt happen, thats fine too), things will work out for me. I trust in the Lord.

summer is here

before i forget...i just want to write down some synchs...or coincedences, or whatever

GORILLAS- poor gorilla got shot and killed and it looked like it was trying to protect the boy. i saw someone post about a gorilla who became heartbroken after the cat she befriended got hit and killed by a car. later, i was watching a house tour on youtube and i saw that there was a gorilla on the tv in the persons living room.

i picked up a romance novel in the breakroom at my job (i had nothing to read) and today i read a page and it said something about a guy named 'hamish'. later we went to watch alice in wonderland through the looking glass and there is a hamish.

darnet, i forget the other coincendence now!???!!

so, so far this summer, i went to gettysburg with mike, went to NYC and to a yankees game, and went to jim thorpe for a presentation that don wild eagle gave (and for the jim thorpe birthday)

this weekend was quite busy. i moved some more of my stuff to my new place...also, went up to lisas and saw the baby. we went ziplining yesterday with sage and adria, and today we went to see through the looking glass with sage, who is sleeping over.

so far, so good. i am happy that the summer is here!

psychic dream????

so, last night i went over to mikes house. we rented some weird stupid movie...intersection or something. he was too tired to drive me home, so i was sort of stuck there. anyways, i fell asleep and in the morning i had a dream where i was watching breaking bad. i use the fan to help me sleep, or i cant sleep with all kinds of noises happening. anyways, when i woke up, i went downstairs to the basement (where mike was), and i see HE WAS WATCHING BREAKING BAD!???!

WTF??! how did this happen??? how did i dream of watching this show, and i see he is watching it??? i thought, maybe i heard the show waft up through the floor, but i doubt that because, as i said, i had the fan on....so i really do not know? and i am so sensitive that i wake up to any little movement whatsoever. i mean, i asked mike if he told me he was going to watch it but he didnt. he woke me up to tell me he is going to get mcdonalds breakfast and that it was 730 am but i just yelled at him to LET ME SLEEP!! (he did end up buying me a sausage mcmuffin breakfast tho))

just weird!??!

oh yes EDIT

i asked mike, (when we were driving to my house after an episode, in his truck) "Mike, why don't you have mud matts?" in which he went on a diatribe about never having money. In the breaking bad episode we watched, whats his name....i cant think...jesse's character threw 4 thousand cash at walt, in which mike said, 'it would be nice to have that kind of money', so later in the truck, when mike was ranting about money, i reminded him, 'you should sell meth!" (we were watching the earlier season where they still cooked meth from the RV) anyways, after i said that, an RV rolled by!???

SYNCHHH

Kendra Wilkinson - Lost in Space

this is so  cheesy! i have been meaning to post about kendras burn tweets about holly madison..but this laptop is getting so hard to manuever and its annoying the heck out of me! plus i dont really have the time...basically, ugh let me find the tweets i guess...



not sure why she tweeted that...maybe over the book, but hollys book was not bad at all..but HAAA

omg this is so hard to manuever anymore!??!

Janet Jackson - "No Sleeep" Feat. J. Cole (Music Video)

i want to make a video breaking down all the MK symbolism...once i actually settle into my new place, perhaps i can do that...uhhh also sort of need an IMAC

I offended Bunny

So, a month or so I watched an unboxing of youtube star "Bunny" or grav3yardgirls, curated beautycon box. One of the items included in her box was this lip thing (lip tattoo???) from dolls kill. i always notice that bunny has yellowish teeth, and I saw the dolls kill thing has yellow teeth, so like a mean bitch, I made a comment. she must of seen it because she made a video about her teeth. the beautycon box was made 2 months ago, i commented about a month or so ago, and then she made the Whats wrong with my teeth? video, in which she talked about how her teeth are really sensitive and how she cannot use teeth whitener products due to her sensitivity. so....i feel bad. i mean, she explained it all in a really doesnt give a fuck way, still tho!??! one time i was first to comment on a facebook snooki post, (i said WE DONT CARE!!!) or something like that, to a post she made about something, i forget. i saw it was deleted....but anyways here are some screencaps i saved just now...

her curated box lol

i edited this...its what appears on her youtube list, and the one actually says she ate POISONED fries and the next one is the whats wrong with my teeth video. below that is my comment on her unboxing video (you have to search youtube if you care)

i have my own place now

So two weeks ago I got a call from housing telling me they have a unit, so on Tuesday I gave them the pro-rated rent as well as a security deposit and another deposit for pets. I have my place, I just have not slept there yet!?!?!!! I don't really have furniture...I haven't really gotten prepared. One your name gets called, you have to take it, I guess...:/ I was thinking I was going to have a 2 story, but its a bungalow style...which is fine. I need a haircut I hate these layers, and I want straight hair back!!!! 

I got a toaster, microwave, kitchen table, entertainment stand (for a 42" tv...what if I want to get a bigger tv tho!???! ) Mike brought over my old dresser, not sure if i wanted it..i want all new, nice things!!!??!? I got a comfy couch and loveseat, also got a rug. Some bathroom towels and washcloths.

Its a small place so I do not really want to clutter it up. i had so many ideas on how to decorate but I kind of want to follow a theme. i still feel depressed but driving around my dads car here and there kind of reminded me of being a person. i feel a sense of...nervousness or perhaps, feeling as if time is passing me by. i feel anxious. this job...oh this job...i can't stay there. the hours are just....now that i have my own place, i really just want to have evenings to actually cook dinners for myself.

So my home theme is going to be, 

a cozy, comfy oasis, sort of cluttered, (but in a good way), plants and photos, knick knacks...etc

what i need: 

KITCHEN:

- blender

- plates, dishes, pots, pans

- silverware

- glasses, cups

- cutting board

- mortar and pestle

- spatulas, cooking utensils

- mandolin (for spaghetti squash)

- ice cube trays

- napkin holder

- spices, olive oils, pink himalayan salt

- placemats

- oven mitts

- fridge magnets

- wall clock (i have)

- LED lighting for under cabinets

- meat thermometer

- timer

- air popcorn maker

LIVING ROOM

- coffee table, end tables

- lamps, lights

- IKEA photography

- ARTWORK!!, cityscapes, Miami art deco, zen, palm trees

- retro gumball machine

- side cabinet 

- bookshelf, display cabinet

- desk for computer, printer

- cat perch for window

- gummi bear light 

bedroom

i want a bed but i have a futon, but would like a comfortable bed...nightstands, lamp

i have a fluffy rug

vanity desk

bathroom

- need a new showerhead

my aunt got me a shower curtain, i kind of wanted to get my own...shrug also need a new showerhead, the one i have doesnt seem to work well. im thinking...an LED one of course!!

i want this for my room:

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/30329294/

damnet its not available, well, i can always do my OWN photography

PINK ROSES and a romantic, light filter

bath and body works candles and wallflowers (plug ins)

IM GONNA ORDER IT! this really cool photog i saw, its from ikea. well, maybe i will order it later. after i get the furniture setup. um...hrmmm...

I CAN BRING MACAROONS!!!

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/30173216/

watercolors

i can start painting, and doing art stuff, hobbies. craftbooks. i want to do watercolors. macaroons, miami art decor, palm trees

eiffle tower, hollywood sign, narutomaki

i always wanted a globe...i dont have enough rooms for everything i want...

i want to get married soon and move into a country home, and have a family. but for now, i will enjoy my little home....

um....cant think I CANT THINK!! i was supposed to go to work this morning but i was not able to fall asleep