5/3/13

alright im just gonna put it all out there...egads the buisness!?!

so, mike was the one who made me get the paper every sunday, to look for jobs, ok? well, he wants me to start chipping in with rent, duh!

he made me go to job fairs, fill out applications.. fine you know. i mean, yes i know i needed a job! 

so...heres the deal. i got this job! i just did a full week, with some overtime. its ok..i dont mind it, in fact, i do like it!

its good hours m-f 7-330 (or until 430)...some saturdays...which i do not mind

also...a 10% raise each month when we are on time 

and weekly paychecks, which i like.

this whole week, (except today really...) i have been thinking, 'what am i doing? this is SO not what i want to do with my life!' i come home super tired, feet and legs sore...to this miserable dark place...

but i feel good leaving work and the drive home. so today is friday so i felt great leaving! knowing i have the weekend to chill and relax! =) but i dont really have a guy that i like to hang out with...someone to look forward to seeing...

ugh...unfortunately...who knows. mikes a jerk. yeah..established already!!!

so i was happy that i just worked a week and i can relax! mike comes home, with little ceasers pizza. i fucking HATE little ceasers pizza and he knows im trying to eat healthy...but fuck it. who cares? then he wanted to talk. well, ok, so moss says to me, 'you need therapy. its not normal to cut your self. you need to call therapy this and that'..

ok THIS is why i did it. last weekend, well, last friday, i was happy i got a job. i took a shower, did my hair and makeup, mike wanted to go out to eat so we went to ruby tuesdays. i said i wanted to go out...since i was dressed up. he said he doesnt have to go out every weekend and he doesnt have enough money but saturday we were supposed to go to scotts band (what...did i say on IB last week??) i dont even want to know. so ...sigh. i really did not want to stay home last friday (like tonight..well, i would stay home if mike is cool but hes just not....we havent had fun together in a very long time...)

i dont want to just sit at home in the dark dreary basement, watching movies..start snoring at 9. fuck that! i like to do stuff. im cool i like to chat. oh whatever!??!

so...last weekend, i actually hung out with that guy...( i feel like he reads this? he doesnt tho...but someoen does?)

whats so wrong with that tho? i mean.......so what!? mikes boring. at least john buys me drinks and i am attracted to him..?? anyways, mike got mad, naturally..of course. i'd be pissed too, but i just dont care anymore. i tell mike all the time he doesn't care about me, we never communicate. weekends come around and hes boring and we fight. we havent had a good wknd in forever. he usually goes to your welcome inn by himself anyways.

so saturday was a beautiful day and mike was being an asshole to me and left me by myself. i was so upset because i want to be with someone who cares about me, and he took off and didnt answer my calls.. so i started hyperventilating, really upset and crying and screaming..i felt like i was going to die...(i dont know?) i texted mike to come back that i cut my wrists but he never texted back i told him i swallowed a bunch of pills he never replied..(he doenst get texts) now i understand, yes...that was quite stupid of me..immature..whatever...so i was at the verge where my emotions took me to another place and i didnt feel like myself, then i got the idea to send him a pic of my wrists but i didnt really cut it....so i got a razor and cut it but not deep. i was just dazed and i cut my arms before and carved some cool designs in it, (when i was in high school)...so i didnt think it would hurt. it didnt but then it stung. i was at the verge of hyperventilating and on some other wavelength so yeah. later i hung out with adam we went to tally hos and had some drinks kim texted me i said i cut my wrists..(why? i dont know? cry for attention? yeah probably)

so moss msgd lisa about it and she called me yesterday. she thinks i post on facebook looking for attention (i dont), that its selfish and inconsiderate of me to post food on facebook, that i dont care about anyone else, that i post pictures of myself to get attention. i hardly post pictures of myself. sometimes i do but so does everyone else. and the ppl i know are from lots of different places...oh who cares why am i explaining myself? im just not happy with mike.

he came home today i was thinking we would be in a good mood, i worked all week. instead, he was like, 'i need to talk to you' but then he started talking in the way..the talk down to me way...and he said for me to leave end of month. ok i just got this job, you know? i gave him rent money. now hes pulling this on me!??

i fucking give up! this is bullshit all of it is. im thinking, stay working at this job..(it is a good job after all) save money..but i certainly am not staying with mike!??

its fucking friday night hell im gonna take a shower and figure something out idk...