vlog

i was making a vlog...well, i made one...but i dont like the way i look!! anyways, it is just expressing how i feel which is LOST DISCONTENT, DEPRESSED, NUMB, etc

and i do still feel this way. i feel very vulnerable and exposed too, when i was in school, i never thought THIS was how my life was going to be! i played M.A.S.H. and i was supposed to live in a mansion, with 4 kids, and...uh...i forget...

you see, in the beginning of the year, i was like, "ok so i can start saving", which was what i was doing! i was working, saving my money! did my taxes.

i NEVER wanted to go to stupid bethlehem! why go there its so far? parking is a BITCH!!! even when i was left and was heading up there , i told myself i wasnt going to drink too much. in fact, i was supposed to meet mike there, and i was going to go to his place after a beer. sara hates mike tho, because he insults me in front of ppl. so i didnt ask mike to meet up with us. after macgradys, we were standing around at the 'house party', which was really a few people standing out in the cold smoking cigarettes, and i said a bunch of times, 'im just gonna go home' to which no one seemed to of heard me!??! so finally sara wanted to go to mollys and i wasnt trying to buy drinks, she did tho. she bought a fucking shot of soco (gross!! i dont do shots at bars), that shot gave me a .16 bac! oh yeah i ended up getting a PITCHER WTH?? at macgradys, cuz they were sharing one and last time one of their friends said they get pitchers so they dont have to keep ordering. i mean, i would normally just buy a yuengling beer. when i finally was headed back home, i saw flares, but i thought they were going to wave us by, like usual. i didnt know they just responded to a car accident there and blocked off the only way to get back on 22 to head back to mikes!??! i keep thinking about it, what should i of done? backed up? where would i of gone? i think that was set up on purpose, tbh.

when the cop was looking through my phone, a smirk was on his face. cell phone to me signifies privacy.

all of which i fucking have none! all the money i was so frugal about, nothing. what am i supposed to do? give up? i mean, whats the point to anything really?

i have no game plan anymore!???! what? just....continue...being a fuck up?

or, get sober....do what i have to do, get a job, save money, start working out again....write...and just...get excited about things. flirt!??! FLIRT YEAH! where are the cute guys!!! :D but srzly, yeah...do what i have to do....take things one day at a time. i will get 'there' eventually....:/

hmm.............so, yeah.......i might upload the vlog or not....probably not tho

"browns daycare'

wtf!???! on steve brule, he visits 'browns daycare' and they poison these boys, and then he says...something about when theres no more poison they put him in with brown too and then, he had to change the guys diapers!??! wth!??!?

ha!!! so weird...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6a8dAGO1Uo

hmm....'dont use this sink' oh my god..."Poison keeps boys in line' HAA!

poo emoji

so, i was scrolling through facebook, and i see, mtv posts about katy perry and bringing the 'poo emoji' to life or something, so i clicked on it, and no...i did not see any 'poo emoji' i saw her dressed up as 'kitty purry' a lisa frank-esque version of a cat, complete with a cat scratchy posts...and stuff. we get it, shes a 'sex kitten' too...but no matter what, they are not showing this 'poo emoji'...it did, however, make me think...POO! in katy perry's new video, birthday, one of her 'alters/characters' starts talking about 'feces everywhere' ((i know, im always writing about feces!??! well, thats part of the satanic agenda! let me find links))

((anyways, if you google it, you will see part of their rituals is being forced to ingest/eat blood, semen, urine, feces...)) this is all part of satanic rituals and i do believe folks like katy perry and jessica simpson have this 'poop alter'....i dont know the deal with john mayer but apparently there is a rumor about him liking sex with poop. see here: http://blindgossip.com/?p=23195

and here: http://www.blinditemsexposed.com/2011/05/blind-vice-super-duper-cooper-peeved.html

he has dated many celebrities, from katy perry, jennifer aniston, jennifer love hewitt, taylor swift, and jessica simpson, even calling her 'sexual napalm'

what is napalm?

na·palm

ˈnāˌpä(l)m/

noun

noun: napalm

1. 1.

   a highly flammable sticky jelly used in incendiary bombs and flamethrowers, consisting of gasoline thickened with special soaps.

verb

verb: napalm; 3rd person present: napalms; past tense: napalmed; past participle: napalmed; gerund or present participle: napalming

1. 1.

   attack with bombs containing napalm.

note, the use of the word, 'sticky' also, 'bomb' so...jessica simpson probably left sticky bombs on his chest. she used to talk about pooping a lot!??! and one of the blinds, if you read it, is about a hotel room with POOP all over it, a hotel room used by john mayer and jessica simpson!!???!

oh, here is katy perrys new video. she is or was dating john mayer. anyways, at 1:15, when she is 'ace the animal trainer' she has some sort of blue glitter all over her face, and she is talking about 'defecation here to the left of me defecation to the right of me defectaion all over me' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEUg7OplvIQ

so..........yeah...

heres some pics of whom john mayer dated...whom (i added the wonderland pic of whoever because he sings that song your body is a wonderland)

oh so the eric andre show aired the one with kristen ritter (bee girl) and they showed her a clip from '2 girls one cup'


heh! well, this is just about john mayer....and poop, but...ok its gross!! its all gross!!!!

now it is nice out, and i am feeling a little bit more hopeful, i guess. im upset mainly from targetted individual bullshit. also, i need to start being more serious about my life. i am going to montreal at the end of the month, but when i get back, i need a job! i also want to start saving. like i said, i want to get married and have kids. i need to do this...soon, ya know? i also want to find a good job...something i enjoy doing. i have skills. i can learn. i need to get out of my parents house. i need to keep occupied and productive. i also need to get medical insurance. i do. i feel so weak and so depressed. i need my bloodwork taken care of. i need to start eating healthy, and exercising. i need to start taking care of myself. i want to cut my hair too. i hate this part i have. i dont want a part. i want curly hair. cut my hair and get a perm!???! ha!!!! maybe i should dye it???

i cancelled my tattoo appts. blah.

numb angst nope just numb

Lately, I have been feeling so numb. It is a feeling that I really never experienced before. I have felt depression, but not to this extreme. Not to the point where I feel nothing, just an eternal feeling of numbness, defeat. My character is not even there. I feel nothing, like all I want to do is sleep, and that is all I do. I cannot sleep at night, despite trying too, but even then, thoughts such as, 'why bother', dance about my head. "Why bother sleeping, when I am just going to wake up to the same thing tomorrow, and the next day and the next. Will I ever feel awakened again?" I have trouble going to sleep, but then I do, but then I wake up early, and I stay awake, until I lay down to take a nap, and then I feel so tired and groggy after a 2 hour or so nap. I also feel very tired. I imagine this is how it feels to be truly depressed, to go through an episode of severe depression, where I just feel....numb. I feel like I should be curled up in a ball and just stay that way. I usually do put on a front, like I am happy, but really I am not. I never am happy. I eat cheese pizza and it hurts my stomach so much, anything I eat, it hurts my stomach. I feel very pale and look pale and I am lacking proper nutrients. I do not really even feel a sense of self hatred, it is just, a feeling of...I am not even sure. I guess defeat. I am finally defeated. Nothing excites me, nothing gives me hope or anything to look forward too. I might as well be dead, I suppose. It is that feeling I feel after drinking, multiplied by the realization that we are silly humans with emotions, mainly we are pre-occupied with them, if we are lucky enough to be. When you have nothing going for you, you have nothing to be pre-occupied on, so your focus goes no where, just to the fact that you feel numb. Very numb.

I have no idea. I just...have no idea...

tattoo

i think im gonna get some tattoos on tuesday. tattoo tuesday

im thinking, a smattering of little tats to fill in the sleeve...so like...the holiday and candy ones

pumpkin, candy corn, swedish fish, retro gumball machine, shamrock, sushi....valentines day hearts candy

eventually or maybe the neck one...the ivy and dragonflies, ladybugs on my collarbone

japanese cherry blossom on my back

retro pinup girl or anime girl on other arm (not yet tho)

May!

Today was the first day, of May, and it was a very nice, warm day! I enjoy this kind of weather. Every start of summer, always brings forth some sort of promise of romance, daydreams, introspect, and hope. I am romantic during the summer in the sense that I long for those lazy days, lingering within the fields, barefoot, a reminder of country days, say, from the 50s. I like listening to rockabilly/oldies because I do enjoy that pinup, sort of, greasers vibe. I can just imagine all the hot rods lined up outside the ice cream shop, the guys and their girlfriends, with their red lips and pencil skirts. idk!?? ha! or, i like hot country boys, with cowboy hats! you know, and girls wearing denim cutoffs, looking real cute. i love the country tho.

i really like just hanging out, watching the sunset, drinking a nice cold beer, being with a boy that i really enjoy (haha!), someone that makes my heart beat fast, and someone that i enjoy just, talking with! someone who has a cute, boyish grin, and eyes that want to read deep into my soul. i used to feel that way, when i was younger. 

i don't feel that way anymore. :( i mean, i just...i dont know? i haven't felt that way in a while tho. it's like, the magic of attraction is no longer existent...you know, i think i am going to write a romance novel tho. a story about a bad boy type and a good girl, (or a good boy and a bad girl! yeah! thats never been done!! or maybe, two girls! or two guys! but i would actually rather write a kind of romantic friendship about two girls...hmm, like, they realize that they actually do enjoy flirting with each other, and not just for attention from the boys! one day they are alone and actually just...kiss or something. LOL!!???) 

i think i can come up with a good story tho.  oh..american dad roger and stan just 'probed each other' whats up with american dad? hes a little, fruity ya know?? fruity pebbles!

i have some ideas for photoshoots! i did a grocery store one last year, remember? oh i need to get my summer clothes from mikes. you know, i do miss living there tho. i miss having marble in that house because she would relax on the couch, or lay on her back when she was comfortable. she never sleeps in my room anymore :( or does any of that. she finds her spots tho, to sleep on. 

so, i want to rent a convertible, and do a night run to a drive thru. i want the camera to do those little scribbles with light, so that the drive thru menu can be a lil bit scribble, and i will be driving, acting like "WOO HOO THIS IS SO WILD!!! ORDERING DRIVE THRU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!"" i remember when my friends kate and jen went to a drive thru in mcdonalds after the repo club, and they were like, 'do you know where the end of the rainbow is" and laughed and then we went to kates and kate and jen started dancing and it made me think of that tall and short elephants from pink elephants on parade. HA!!!!

also, a pool photoshoot...idk shrug

a photoshoot inside a tent! camping is so much fun, but i think doing a photoshoot in a tent will be fun, cute, comfy and cozy!!! and CAR RAZY!!! i saw a tent shoot on one of those tumblr things which inspired me, cept mine will just be cute and fun! not 'risque'.

lawnmowing shoot would be cool too! i love lawnmowing, and weedwacking. reminds me of when i would have landscaping detail at presidio of monterey califorina, when i was in the army. i would think of the song, blue skies, by tori amos, and the sky made me think of san fransisco, even tho i have never been to san fransisco? i love the smell of the oil lawnmowers and weedwackers use.

i also want to do a shoot in front of nice old custom cars. actually, chops says we can do a shoot at his garage in philly. i always wanted to do a car shoot like that. 

so yah dats dat. guess i should attempt to go to sleep. i get so tired during the day. it is hard for me to wake up, (i wake up a bunch during the night to pee), but i am so tired! i sleep in late. then, later i take  nap. i think its because i need my bloodwork done and i need my meds! by night time, i am a night owl, and i just cannot go to beds. 

you know what will make me happy? oh nevermind....i was gonna say, having a family! my own family! :/

 you know, nevermind. i am getting tired tho. i guess i will attempt to go to sleep then. sometimes i wake up and despise my life. that happens alot. i like the smell of rain.