Lately, I have been feeling so numb. It is a feeling that I really never experienced before. I have felt depression, but not to this extreme. Not to the point where I feel nothing, just an eternal feeling of numbness, defeat. My character is not even there. I feel nothing, like all I want to do is sleep, and that is all I do. I cannot sleep at night, despite trying too, but even then, thoughts such as, 'why bother', dance about my head. "Why bother sleeping, when I am just going to wake up to the same thing tomorrow, and the next day and the next. Will I ever feel awakened again?" I have trouble going to sleep, but then I do, but then I wake up early, and I stay awake, until I lay down to take a nap, and then I feel so tired and groggy after a 2 hour or so nap. I also feel very tired. I imagine this is how it feels to be truly depressed, to go through an episode of severe depression, where I just feel....numb. I feel like I should be curled up in a ball and just stay that way. I usually do put on a front, like I am happy, but really I am not. I never am happy. I eat cheese pizza and it hurts my stomach so much, anything I eat, it hurts my stomach. I feel very pale and look pale and I am lacking proper nutrients. I do not really even feel a sense of self hatred, it is just, a feeling of...I am not even sure. I guess defeat. I am finally defeated. Nothing excites me, nothing gives me hope or anything to look forward too. I might as well be dead, I suppose. It is that feeling I feel after drinking, multiplied by the realization that we are silly humans with emotions, mainly we are pre-occupied with them, if we are lucky enough to be. When you have nothing going for you, you have nothing to be pre-occupied on, so your focus goes no where, just to the fact that you feel numb. Very numb.
I have no idea. I just...have no idea...
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