Relationships.
Would you rather be dating someone that you are more attracted too, or who is more attracted/into you? I will discuss the pros and cons of both sides, and I have interviewed a few people who have gave insight into this matter.
Sandy, 28- I am in a relationship with a great man, who is crazy about me. He is respectful, honorable, and just a great guy. Blah blah blah
I think, personally, I would rather be in a relationship with someone that I am more attracted too, or else I would get bored. Also, if I am not attracted to someone, I know I would get annoyed at that person, even if they did nothing wrong. While attraction is not the most important thing, it does matter. That is what inspires you to wear something nice, do your make-up, do something with your hair, spritz on some perfume. It is exciting when you are looking forward to seeing them, and putting your arms around their shoulders, squeezing them, and nuzzling your head into the safety of their arms and collarbone. I find that if I am with a guy who is too needy, than I will get annoyed with him and/or find myself using him, which is something I do not want to do.
Guys get that way too, they sometimes find themselves being the one who finds an alpha type female, a more aggresive type that will order them around. They are more sensitive and want to please the woman, while she is more prone to ordering him around and getting attention. I also envision this as a more heavy-set type woman, being with a skinnier dude (I don't know why!? Call this stereo-typing). They will become hurt and needy when the woman becomes distant, and she enjoys this because it feeds her ego.
I also think it's the reward and pleasure zone being set off when you are the one who is investing more into the relationship. Are these healthy examples? By all means, no! These are not examples of a healthy relationship. If a female is dating a male, and for instance, he does not want her going out with her friends, and so she doesn't, and she actually feels the benefits and rewards when he shows that he is pleased with her decision. Of course, this can backfire because eventually she is going to become fed up with all this control and break free. Honestly, who wants to be told what they can or cannot do? Essentially, none of us do, but we get so used to and conditioned to trying to please the other one that we often forget about our own needs.
Another thing, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't view you as someone that they are attracted too? This is not fair for either sides. One, you should be with someone that you are attracted to, who you find hot, sexy, cute, whatever the term may be, but with the same token, you deserve to be with someone who feels that way about you!
My type: Physically, I like guys that are taller than me. I like broad, bulky shoulders, nice and defined. I like to hug and squeeze the arms and neck and to feel a little meat to it. I like 5'10-6'2 range, primarily. I would say 170-220 lbs, and someone who has a cute face. I like smiling brown eyes or peircing blue eyes. I like tattoos. I like some facial hair, maybe sideburns..nothing to hipster like douchey tho.
I like guys who know how to grill up some good grills, who know a thing or two about cars, who like a good beer, who like to do outdoorsy things, I do like sense of humor and confidence, and I do like when they have a lot of dude pals, and even friends that are married and have families, why not? I don't mind if a guy has a favorite football team. I like when a guy has a lot of events and fun things to do to keep us occupied. I like when a guy is open minded to going on fun trips. I want a guy who someday wants to have a family. I like a guy who is around my age, who is a jokester but can be serious, and who enjoys my company and respects me.
These are just broad analogies, this doesn't mean I follow these standards. In fact, I think I am just bored and miss flirting that I just made this whole thing up!!???!!!
Well, I'm off to see the wizard!!!
what's your type?
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
with all due respect penguin
hey so, that lil short story was written as i was thinking...it was grappling at tidbits and things...references and such...id say it was just a fan-fiction of egyptian mythology, things, tribes, sci-fi, dark metal, some breaking bad latitude and longitude (its an actual spot on the map)....even the journey to obtain witchcraftery from that yt video i posted...some dark reads. it was so hot the other day, at the beatles game, so i was thinking about my skin falling off my skeleton, and my holding it, and i thought that would be a cool drawing or animation....
im gonna continue what i was writing tho...
since moss did buy me a ticket out there, i was thinking, maybe i should just go out there!??! why not!?? besides, we could try to get into the tim and eric dr steve brule show, right!??!
the next night is the oddball comedy show. and moss is VIP to that one!
well well, i suggested to moss all this ok?
he says to me, "no! you cant come out unless you are looking for work"
Moss! I need to take care of my health first!!! i do tho!!! my face really feels like it is melting off. my chin is melting off because i am not eating good and i gained weight. i feel so gross and tired and not happy. i am not even working...
i wanted to go out, but not to stay. i wanted to go to the comedy shows..tim and eric! steve brule! POISON!!!
oh yeah also the oddball comedy show. personally, i saw chris hardwick on conan last week, and he said he is single, so i was just thinking, hes hot! idk!?? i was interested in meeting him, maybe taking a pic with him, (thats all that would happen anyways im sure)...and he would be around some super skinny hollywood type girl anyways, someone who has a hot and scary hollywood feel to them, none of which i have...
like a girl who has been used by who knows who...the hanger ons of someone famous....someone who can snub their noses to stub hub tickets because they are recommended to show up by handlers a plenty....to the washing machine of a mysterious hollywood essentially working together as a beating heart, all of which i am not a part of...
the girl would probably be young hip hollywood early 20s maybe even late teens because thats how it is...she would be wearing a really short like...skirt and crop top getup, (even tho its not really summer anymore!??) and some kind of...funky footwear, maybe a vest....and a big handbag, to further show off her skinny frame. she would look bored but enticing enough to be some of leacherous leech to chris hardwich, with some sort of 80s fluffy perm and heart shaped 'lolita' glasses, she would be wearing non-ironically...her pussy posse would look equally as scary as her, and they would actually be proud to be called pussy posse...then there would be me...wearing slops!! wearing makeup that isnt all poppy....my outfit would be boring and heck, and id be like, 'im rocking the slops' and that would be about it, as i smile a bit too wide or maybe just a bit too ree..
and they would then disappear into their scary hollywood world, of shadow pruppets and hypnotic coicles.
so yeah, you know? i says to moss, 'well can you tell chris hardwick that you have a friend that thinks hes hot?'
(i remember some girl...she must of had a big crush on the comedian demetri martin, and she was talking to moss who was going to bring her to him to meet him. i met and had taken a pic of him but i was really upset with moss because he kept telling me we wouldnt make it backstage at the festival supreme last year, but i did! i made it backstage, without his help. i was mad at him bcus when conan was backstage i looked at him and said , you think we can get backstage?' and he shook his head no, with a look of being a grown up saying no to their kid, and for some reason that just really annoyed me! and i was upset because i felt like i had missed the opportunity to meet conan. i felt like i wasnt happy to take a pic with craig robertson or demetri martin but i was really overshadowed because of moss's mentality...
so...moss showed this girl to demetri martin and she was all excited and even crying over meeting him!??
i thought moss can deliver the msg to chris hardwick, but i should of learned he would mess it up because instead of asking williams street for a tour, he said he has a friend who is really good at computers...he muckied it up!!
so now!!! moss tells me NO! you cannot come out unless you are serious about a job. he thinks his mission in life is to help me!!
so that means i will MISS OUT ON THE OPPORTUNITIES TO MEET TIM AND ERIC AND STEVE BRULE/JOHN C REILLY (WHO I READ IS AN ASSHOLE IN PERSON)...and also maybe even chris hardwick..when i asked him if he can relay that msg, (his friend thinks hes hot blah blah blah)
he says, "with all due respect, if i meet anyone, im not going to talk about you. especially in front of my date"
ok so moss, i tell him, "you should wear a tuxedo, and a towel over your arm, and white gloves, as you hand them a disposable camera while you ask your date to take various different angles with it, 'with all due respect' wear a tuxedo since you will be on your best with all due respect behaviour!!!!!"
HE DID WRONG HUH!??!? HE DID WRONG!!!!!!!! GET HIM! GET HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT PENGUIN
ag...now its time to sleep. my life is so pointless...at least i dont get black out drunk anymore! havent had a hangover in over a month!! wow thats something to be proud of!
im gonna continue what i was writing tho...
since moss did buy me a ticket out there, i was thinking, maybe i should just go out there!??! why not!?? besides, we could try to get into the tim and eric dr steve brule show, right!??!
the next night is the oddball comedy show. and moss is VIP to that one!
well well, i suggested to moss all this ok?
he says to me, "no! you cant come out unless you are looking for work"
Moss! I need to take care of my health first!!! i do tho!!! my face really feels like it is melting off. my chin is melting off because i am not eating good and i gained weight. i feel so gross and tired and not happy. i am not even working...
i wanted to go out, but not to stay. i wanted to go to the comedy shows..tim and eric! steve brule! POISON!!!
oh yeah also the oddball comedy show. personally, i saw chris hardwick on conan last week, and he said he is single, so i was just thinking, hes hot! idk!?? i was interested in meeting him, maybe taking a pic with him, (thats all that would happen anyways im sure)...and he would be around some super skinny hollywood type girl anyways, someone who has a hot and scary hollywood feel to them, none of which i have...
like a girl who has been used by who knows who...the hanger ons of someone famous....someone who can snub their noses to stub hub tickets because they are recommended to show up by handlers a plenty....to the washing machine of a mysterious hollywood essentially working together as a beating heart, all of which i am not a part of...
the girl would probably be young hip hollywood early 20s maybe even late teens because thats how it is...she would be wearing a really short like...skirt and crop top getup, (even tho its not really summer anymore!??) and some kind of...funky footwear, maybe a vest....and a big handbag, to further show off her skinny frame. she would look bored but enticing enough to be some of leacherous leech to chris hardwich, with some sort of 80s fluffy perm and heart shaped 'lolita' glasses, she would be wearing non-ironically...her pussy posse would look equally as scary as her, and they would actually be proud to be called pussy posse...then there would be me...wearing slops!! wearing makeup that isnt all poppy....my outfit would be boring and heck, and id be like, 'im rocking the slops' and that would be about it, as i smile a bit too wide or maybe just a bit too ree..
and they would then disappear into their scary hollywood world, of shadow pruppets and hypnotic coicles.
so yeah, you know? i says to moss, 'well can you tell chris hardwick that you have a friend that thinks hes hot?'
(i remember some girl...she must of had a big crush on the comedian demetri martin, and she was talking to moss who was going to bring her to him to meet him. i met and had taken a pic of him but i was really upset with moss because he kept telling me we wouldnt make it backstage at the festival supreme last year, but i did! i made it backstage, without his help. i was mad at him bcus when conan was backstage i looked at him and said , you think we can get backstage?' and he shook his head no, with a look of being a grown up saying no to their kid, and for some reason that just really annoyed me! and i was upset because i felt like i had missed the opportunity to meet conan. i felt like i wasnt happy to take a pic with craig robertson or demetri martin but i was really overshadowed because of moss's mentality...
so...moss showed this girl to demetri martin and she was all excited and even crying over meeting him!??
i thought moss can deliver the msg to chris hardwick, but i should of learned he would mess it up because instead of asking williams street for a tour, he said he has a friend who is really good at computers...he muckied it up!!
so now!!! moss tells me NO! you cannot come out unless you are serious about a job. he thinks his mission in life is to help me!!
so that means i will MISS OUT ON THE OPPORTUNITIES TO MEET TIM AND ERIC AND STEVE BRULE/JOHN C REILLY (WHO I READ IS AN ASSHOLE IN PERSON)...and also maybe even chris hardwick..when i asked him if he can relay that msg, (his friend thinks hes hot blah blah blah)
he says, "with all due respect, if i meet anyone, im not going to talk about you. especially in front of my date"
ok so moss, i tell him, "you should wear a tuxedo, and a towel over your arm, and white gloves, as you hand them a disposable camera while you ask your date to take various different angles with it, 'with all due respect' wear a tuxedo since you will be on your best with all due respect behaviour!!!!!"
HE DID WRONG HUH!??!? HE DID WRONG!!!!!!!! GET HIM! GET HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT PENGUIN
ag...now its time to sleep. my life is so pointless...at least i dont get black out drunk anymore! havent had a hangover in over a month!! wow thats something to be proud of!
with all due respect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
with all due respect!!
ok here is the thing, i just really cannot dedicate and commit to LIVING out in LA right now! i just cant!?! why not!?? because my mind is so fuzzy right now, its almost like the onsetting of dementia or alzheimers, or maybe i am getting slowly poisoned or just.....all this processed food im eating, the chemicals in the chemtrails, not using my mind anymore...just rotting away...you know? i give up! i give up on life really!!! i cant move out there! i am trying to take care of my health. im trying. i feel like i am not all here! even the way i think now. i can feel my mind rotting away.
I was alarmed to a second coming of the pituitary dung beetles, set out to latch onto the top of my spine, right by my lumbar setting, the base of the skull to the top of the spinal cord. These beetles are meant to find us, the remaining of the tribe, Elohim. They latch their claws and infuse it to the top of our spines, melding their poison into our bloodstream, taking over our souls.
We will then become slaves to this master race of the Beetle, no longer being a mind of our own. We will then march southwest in a cadence to the drum in our heads, right knee up, left knee up, until we reach the outer limits of the town of Sancros, in which no one knows the exact latitude and longitude until the beetle becomes part of us, tapping into our spinal fluids, merging with our bloodstream, fusing into a beetle/Elohim hybrid. A race where we are subjectified to serving the beetle race, in succesion with bringing forward a new world to the old. This will happen, unless, of course, someone brings a stop to it.
For the past few years, I have been doing all the research I can on how to stop this, but this will be a challenging journey, for I will need to diffuse the beetle, (without causing alarm), and find the road to the Macros Adheim, which is located at the latitude of 48.33 and the longitude of 77.23 on the globe. In order to be invisible to the leader beetles, I will need to assess the veral codes to the beetles, using a fragrant elixer of myrh oil, lavender, dung, melted beetles, and orange peel. This will offset the leader beetles into deeming myself invisible. I will also need to disarm the beetle assigned to my spine before it fuses it's poison with my blood and spinal cord. I will need to do this within 20 minutes of being infected, and I will need pliers to pull out the claws.
As I said, the alarm set off as soon as the beetle flew into my room. I have been sleeping, and so the beetle was already within my territory. My heart was fluttering like that of a dung beetle waiting to terrorize a neck like an eagle clawing into a helpless mouse, a dream I often had as a young Elohim child. I guess now was a time unlike any other. This was the most crucial, essential time I had!
Luckily, I had made the invisibility perfume a few weeks prior. This has taken much time on my part, having had to dedicate several weeks to obtaining the ingredients, and not to mention slow boiling it for hours on end.
Then I heard it! I actually heard that dreadful noise of nightmares finally finding me. I was not so sure what would happen after I disarmed this bug from the depths of Hades, but I will soon find out.
I had the pliers ready, squeezing them so hard that my hand turned white and sweat was dripping off of it. This demon bug will soon make its way onto my neck. At that moment, I inadvertantly lifted my hand to the back of my neck and I felt it, already connected to my neck! How long has it been there!??!
The panic started to set in. My heart was a flutter with fear and loss of control. I calmed myself down. This was the moment I was cultivating and waiting for, for months since I found out about the neck base. I went to the mirrors, where I can see the back of my neck. At that moment I realized that I should of devised some sort of neck band, to differ this beetle, but it wouldn't of mattered because it would of harassed me until it got through, perhaps it would of just killed me if it did not get what it needed. I had no time to think of it then. I had picked up the pliers, and I caught a good glimpse of it. Yes, it had looked like what I was studying it would look like. It looked like the beetle of the Egyptian scarab of Ra, and there was a stone of jasper and amethyst set in the middle.
I brought up my hands and grabbed the first leg, and I pulled the leg out with the plier. It came out quite easily. I then proceeded to do the rest until I got all of it out. Some blood came out with it, but there it was, laying in the palm of my hand, my blood a testiment to the beginning of the end.
I decided to hold onto the scarab, as to not just leave it behind. I threw it into a velvet pouch I had. I then started to feel my skin getting very loose. What was happening to me!?
I looked around. The perfume was right there. I started spraying myself with this perfume. I could feel a strange, burning sensation overtaking my skin. I looked into the mirror. My skin started to fold over, and it felt as some sort of cheese that I used to make, melting away. The burning was intolerable, as my heart started beating profusely. I instinctively felt the back of my neck and I felt a giant opening to it, as if it had been unzippered almost. What was happening to me!?? I could see as my skin started piling off of my skeleton, loosely falling off of me. The beetle must of somehow unwoven my epidermis, as I watched in disbelief as it started gliding off of my exposed skeleton.
I gathered my skin, holding and clutching it as if it were a pile of fabrics, and what I seen in the mirror horrified me. My skeleton was still intact, but my skin was being held in my arms, as if it was some sort of baby I was coddling for comfort.
"How was I even still alive?" I thought to myself!??!
I knew what needed to be done. I needed to begin my journey.
(next scene)
Walking amongst the rest of the beetle infected infestation, I marched along, grasping and grappling at my loose skin, with my pouch of the beetle and a few other items including the perfume and my research and studies. Thanks to the perfume, I was able to march side by side to the rest of the poisoned tribe, marching to the city in the southwest. I had my compass so that I can plan on making me descent to Macros Adheim.
ok here is the thing, i just really cannot dedicate and commit to LIVING out in LA right now! i just cant!?! why not!?? because my mind is so fuzzy right now, its almost like the onsetting of dementia or alzheimers, or maybe i am getting slowly poisoned or just.....all this processed food im eating, the chemicals in the chemtrails, not using my mind anymore...just rotting away...you know? i give up! i give up on life really!!! i cant move out there! i am trying to take care of my health. im trying. i feel like i am not all here! even the way i think now. i can feel my mind rotting away.
I was alarmed to a second coming of the pituitary dung beetles, set out to latch onto the top of my spine, right by my lumbar setting, the base of the skull to the top of the spinal cord. These beetles are meant to find us, the remaining of the tribe, Elohim. They latch their claws and infuse it to the top of our spines, melding their poison into our bloodstream, taking over our souls.
We will then become slaves to this master race of the Beetle, no longer being a mind of our own. We will then march southwest in a cadence to the drum in our heads, right knee up, left knee up, until we reach the outer limits of the town of Sancros, in which no one knows the exact latitude and longitude until the beetle becomes part of us, tapping into our spinal fluids, merging with our bloodstream, fusing into a beetle/Elohim hybrid. A race where we are subjectified to serving the beetle race, in succesion with bringing forward a new world to the old. This will happen, unless, of course, someone brings a stop to it.
For the past few years, I have been doing all the research I can on how to stop this, but this will be a challenging journey, for I will need to diffuse the beetle, (without causing alarm), and find the road to the Macros Adheim, which is located at the latitude of 48.33 and the longitude of 77.23 on the globe. In order to be invisible to the leader beetles, I will need to assess the veral codes to the beetles, using a fragrant elixer of myrh oil, lavender, dung, melted beetles, and orange peel. This will offset the leader beetles into deeming myself invisible. I will also need to disarm the beetle assigned to my spine before it fuses it's poison with my blood and spinal cord. I will need to do this within 20 minutes of being infected, and I will need pliers to pull out the claws.
As I said, the alarm set off as soon as the beetle flew into my room. I have been sleeping, and so the beetle was already within my territory. My heart was fluttering like that of a dung beetle waiting to terrorize a neck like an eagle clawing into a helpless mouse, a dream I often had as a young Elohim child. I guess now was a time unlike any other. This was the most crucial, essential time I had!
Luckily, I had made the invisibility perfume a few weeks prior. This has taken much time on my part, having had to dedicate several weeks to obtaining the ingredients, and not to mention slow boiling it for hours on end.
Then I heard it! I actually heard that dreadful noise of nightmares finally finding me. I was not so sure what would happen after I disarmed this bug from the depths of Hades, but I will soon find out.
I had the pliers ready, squeezing them so hard that my hand turned white and sweat was dripping off of it. This demon bug will soon make its way onto my neck. At that moment, I inadvertantly lifted my hand to the back of my neck and I felt it, already connected to my neck! How long has it been there!??!
The panic started to set in. My heart was a flutter with fear and loss of control. I calmed myself down. This was the moment I was cultivating and waiting for, for months since I found out about the neck base. I went to the mirrors, where I can see the back of my neck. At that moment I realized that I should of devised some sort of neck band, to differ this beetle, but it wouldn't of mattered because it would of harassed me until it got through, perhaps it would of just killed me if it did not get what it needed. I had no time to think of it then. I had picked up the pliers, and I caught a good glimpse of it. Yes, it had looked like what I was studying it would look like. It looked like the beetle of the Egyptian scarab of Ra, and there was a stone of jasper and amethyst set in the middle.
I brought up my hands and grabbed the first leg, and I pulled the leg out with the plier. It came out quite easily. I then proceeded to do the rest until I got all of it out. Some blood came out with it, but there it was, laying in the palm of my hand, my blood a testiment to the beginning of the end.
I decided to hold onto the scarab, as to not just leave it behind. I threw it into a velvet pouch I had. I then started to feel my skin getting very loose. What was happening to me!?
I looked around. The perfume was right there. I started spraying myself with this perfume. I could feel a strange, burning sensation overtaking my skin. I looked into the mirror. My skin started to fold over, and it felt as some sort of cheese that I used to make, melting away. The burning was intolerable, as my heart started beating profusely. I instinctively felt the back of my neck and I felt a giant opening to it, as if it had been unzippered almost. What was happening to me!?? I could see as my skin started piling off of my skeleton, loosely falling off of me. The beetle must of somehow unwoven my epidermis, as I watched in disbelief as it started gliding off of my exposed skeleton.
I gathered my skin, holding and clutching it as if it were a pile of fabrics, and what I seen in the mirror horrified me. My skeleton was still intact, but my skin was being held in my arms, as if it was some sort of baby I was coddling for comfort.
"How was I even still alive?" I thought to myself!??!
I knew what needed to be done. I needed to begin my journey.
(next scene)
Walking amongst the rest of the beetle infected infestation, I marched along, grasping and grappling at my loose skin, with my pouch of the beetle and a few other items including the perfume and my research and studies. Thanks to the perfume, I was able to march side by side to the rest of the poisoned tribe, marching to the city in the southwest. I had my compass so that I can plan on making me descent to Macros Adheim.
The Super Wonder: Handler edition
The Super Wonder
for those who...want to wonder
In this edition, I will finally put up those pesky images and caption how they are, what I will just call, 'pesky'...(i saved these back when the tracy morgan wal-mart truck accident happened)
 |
| phallic symbos, banana in place of his penis, exploded cigar/broken penis? in place of? |
 |
| bono with a handler? is bono drunk? who is this guy!? |
 | ||
| jennifer aniston with her hands pushing his lips out to look like a butthole..(it does tho!??) |
 |
| symbolizes handlers/janet jackshon throwback..hands/handlers |
 |
| Mickey Mouse (MK) magic kingdom hands paul rudd |
 |
| another mouth indicating he has a mouth that is not quite his |
 |
| looks like bees (compartmenatlization/bees/honey) on zach also the forbidden apple and snake (could be phaillic symbols too) |
 |
| dressed as occult pervert terry richrdson all seeing eye camera some sort of sex magick taking over when they put on terrys persona?? |
 |
| lil devil |
 |
| dressed as a lil ol' lady |
burned crispy
youtube vids i want to do!!!
-the everest girl spoof "yeah i had a child young.."
- a ramune drink how too ( i just opened one) im burned crispy tho and i didnt shower today....so..today is not a good day to do my RAMUNE STRAWBERRY AND GRAPE FLAVORED CARBONATED HOW TOS
- trying out the cappoccino chip, also the ginger wasabi one too! FUN HAUL!! TRY OUT ALL OF THEM!!
RAMUNES, LAYS FLAVOR CHIPS!!
IMMA GON DUN DO IT! but whin thin!??! aye??? idk!?? maybe diz wknds
-the everest girl spoof "yeah i had a child young.."
- a ramune drink how too ( i just opened one) im burned crispy tho and i didnt shower today....so..today is not a good day to do my RAMUNE STRAWBERRY AND GRAPE FLAVORED CARBONATED HOW TOS
- trying out the cappoccino chip, also the ginger wasabi one too! FUN HAUL!! TRY OUT ALL OF THEM!!
RAMUNES, LAYS FLAVOR CHIPS!!
IMMA GON DUN DO IT! but whin thin!??! aye??? idk!?? maybe diz wknds
eagles game
so yesterday, we went to the eagles/jaguars game. we drove down with weston and larin. we left pretty early, so that meant we finished the orange is the new black season the night before. damn that was good! i thought i had one more show but i pressed play and it was episode 1, so i guess we all have to wait till next summer for the next season.
thanks! thanks for deleting what i wrote. also thanks for confusing me blogger, by having the cursor disappear...
i am so over this highlighting and deleting shit. i said....we left by 9 am so we got there at 11 ish. we parked next to some tailgaters who offered us beer and food. they had these yummy bacon wrapped jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and hot dogs, also had some hookah too, (i didnt smoke any nor did i take a beer)...we hung around outside for a bit. larin was telling us about their wedding at the little chapel in las vegas, (a bunch of ppl are getting married...doug just got married, kimmy and her fiancee are) weston and larin..small lil weddings but still...i wonder if i will ever get married!???!
well i wonder if i will get out of this rut, and i need to get out of my parents house. i do...i just...anyways, i need to be on top of my game...more on that later tho...
so as we made our way to the stadium, i started feeling the energy, that energy when..idk, it makes your skin feel tingly. its just that energy...like when you are at a big event out in LA or when you are going somewhere where you know its the energy!! i am so used to the hohum low energy need to take care of my health factor, that i miss excitement!
and walking into the stadium, with the music beats and the fans, it kind of reminded me of fun events and i was thinking of LA and fun stuff there, i will get back to that in a bit
the music was loud and i miss going out and just you know, dancing! "lets go out dancing LOL!!" we got some beers and took in the excitement. mike and i's seats we way up on the top tho, and westin and larin had better seats down below. mike bought me a beer and him a cider and we were way at the top. it was hot but when the breeze came through it felt good. eagles were not doing good tho! everyone was so upset, saying boo and cursing them out, the usual you know and yes mike was upset too. during halftime we met up with westin and larin and they said there are some open seats by them so we got another beer and water and sat down next to them. way better seats! and they started coming back! it was so hot tho!!! anyways, the score turned out to be 34-17. that was a good game. it took over an hour to get out the parking lot tho. we drove home air conditioned and listening to radio beats like 'boom clap' and the new taylor swift song. mike spotted a few hotties and made his gorilla lips face a few times, im like, mike!!! i miss feeling and looking hot!
anyways, i was thinking, i just want to do something with my life. it is so unfulfilling now. i was working, saving money...ever since i got pulled over for DUI, i just lost hope. i feel so numb. i feel like.......i just.....i dont feel anything. i am so numb about everything, nuetral......banal...i lost any sort of drive i was attempting to harvest. i have no idea anymore...i have nothing to wait for, nothing to look forward too. at least when i was pregnant i had a new baby to look forward too....i mean, i understand the big picture, that it means a huge change in your life..yes i know! i think mike was excited about the idea of being a father tho, but of course he never expressed that so i cant really say.
i am trying to start my surcharges up to par and my medicaid stuff filled out so i can get my healthcare taken care of. i need to see my labwork for my bloodwork. i should go to a walk in clinic.
i have really no money in my bank account. my dad sometimes wires me money but i need a job. i am thinking, if joes does not call me back, then maybe i should head out to LA.. i have a ticket sept 11. moss needs to know i said if i cant get work out there then i need to go home. i told him, "TWO WEEKS! if i dont get work out there, two weeks' but the truth is, i cant work out there i have to get my medical taken care of etc etc etc.............."
so...idk....
i cant breathe because NOTHING IS ON MY PLATE! you know how ppl get anxiety bcuz they are too busy!?? i am getting anxiety because NOTHING IS ON MY PLATE! I AM NOT BUSY ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so.........yeah...i would like to go to California, with the small chance we can get into the tim and eric show...and all that...
i miss working tho. i do. i enjoy working. oh there is also another show the next day...this is it: http://www.oddballfest.com/talent/
i would like to go to that too!!!
so who knows......toys r us never called me back neither has joes steak shop. wtf......
i have no clue anymore really....i do feel my levels so low, i dont have energy. i feel depressed. i feel nothing. NOTHING!
thanks! thanks for deleting what i wrote. also thanks for confusing me blogger, by having the cursor disappear...
i am so over this highlighting and deleting shit. i said....we left by 9 am so we got there at 11 ish. we parked next to some tailgaters who offered us beer and food. they had these yummy bacon wrapped jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and hot dogs, also had some hookah too, (i didnt smoke any nor did i take a beer)...we hung around outside for a bit. larin was telling us about their wedding at the little chapel in las vegas, (a bunch of ppl are getting married...doug just got married, kimmy and her fiancee are) weston and larin..small lil weddings but still...i wonder if i will ever get married!???!
well i wonder if i will get out of this rut, and i need to get out of my parents house. i do...i just...anyways, i need to be on top of my game...more on that later tho...
so as we made our way to the stadium, i started feeling the energy, that energy when..idk, it makes your skin feel tingly. its just that energy...like when you are at a big event out in LA or when you are going somewhere where you know its the energy!! i am so used to the hohum low energy need to take care of my health factor, that i miss excitement!
and walking into the stadium, with the music beats and the fans, it kind of reminded me of fun events and i was thinking of LA and fun stuff there, i will get back to that in a bit
the music was loud and i miss going out and just you know, dancing! "lets go out dancing LOL!!" we got some beers and took in the excitement. mike and i's seats we way up on the top tho, and westin and larin had better seats down below. mike bought me a beer and him a cider and we were way at the top. it was hot but when the breeze came through it felt good. eagles were not doing good tho! everyone was so upset, saying boo and cursing them out, the usual you know and yes mike was upset too. during halftime we met up with westin and larin and they said there are some open seats by them so we got another beer and water and sat down next to them. way better seats! and they started coming back! it was so hot tho!!! anyways, the score turned out to be 34-17. that was a good game. it took over an hour to get out the parking lot tho. we drove home air conditioned and listening to radio beats like 'boom clap' and the new taylor swift song. mike spotted a few hotties and made his gorilla lips face a few times, im like, mike!!! i miss feeling and looking hot!
anyways, i was thinking, i just want to do something with my life. it is so unfulfilling now. i was working, saving money...ever since i got pulled over for DUI, i just lost hope. i feel so numb. i feel like.......i just.....i dont feel anything. i am so numb about everything, nuetral......banal...i lost any sort of drive i was attempting to harvest. i have no idea anymore...i have nothing to wait for, nothing to look forward too. at least when i was pregnant i had a new baby to look forward too....i mean, i understand the big picture, that it means a huge change in your life..yes i know! i think mike was excited about the idea of being a father tho, but of course he never expressed that so i cant really say.
i am trying to start my surcharges up to par and my medicaid stuff filled out so i can get my healthcare taken care of. i need to see my labwork for my bloodwork. i should go to a walk in clinic.
i have really no money in my bank account. my dad sometimes wires me money but i need a job. i am thinking, if joes does not call me back, then maybe i should head out to LA.. i have a ticket sept 11. moss needs to know i said if i cant get work out there then i need to go home. i told him, "TWO WEEKS! if i dont get work out there, two weeks' but the truth is, i cant work out there i have to get my medical taken care of etc etc etc.............."
so...idk....
i cant breathe because NOTHING IS ON MY PLATE! you know how ppl get anxiety bcuz they are too busy!?? i am getting anxiety because NOTHING IS ON MY PLATE! I AM NOT BUSY ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so.........yeah...i would like to go to California, with the small chance we can get into the tim and eric show...and all that...
i miss working tho. i do. i enjoy working. oh there is also another show the next day...this is it: http://www.oddballfest.com/talent/
i would like to go to that too!!!
so who knows......toys r us never called me back neither has joes steak shop. wtf......
i have no clue anymore really....i do feel my levels so low, i dont have energy. i feel depressed. i feel nothing. NOTHING!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
posts on fb
Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, i was writing something yesterday. i just wrote about how i never, posted about having a miscarriage before, on facebook. i did this time because right after i had one i was thinking, boy its taking a long time to get my period back. after the last one i was bleeding for quite some time...i never posted about it tho. i wrote about it here. my parents told some people too, but no one really said to me, 'im sorry' or gave me a hug or any of that. i told my mom i havent gotten my period yet, and this was after 2 month!?? so i told my mom and she asked if i am pregnant. i said, 'no' because i started to see red and figured i would get my period soon. well we got a test and i taken it and i saw it was positve and i just laughed because i was actually happy! so for those two weeks that i knew i really started preparing myself that i was raising a little baby, that the baby was growing inside of me. i dont care what anyone says, (it was just a sac of cells blah), it doesnt matter..i was looking forward to drs visits, ultrasounds, everything a woman goes through during pregnancy. and yes i AM writing about it because i write about things. i am not afraid too be either. i am strong and i would like to be encouraging for others, supportive, and outspoken. it DOES help when people are supportive. why be quiet about things!? why worry so much about what we should say and think. i do have alot of family and friends on fb, and i dont see them posting all their business on it, yes i know, but dont be afraid to either. and i shouldnt have to feel worried about offending anyone or making anyone upset.
when i went to the ER for the second time, and i found out i had passed it, i cried alot. it was very sad news.
yesterday i was thinking to myself, 'i miss being pregnant'. the life choices gave me a pin with two little feet that says the exact shape of the feet at 10 weeks. (i would of been about 9 weeks now), so i posted the picture of the feet on facebook, along with me saying i miss being pregnant, and that i would of been 9 weeks, but it wasnt the right time. i posted it because that was on my mind.
well someone posted, 'that is an inaccurate picture of the feet, they dont even have feet, and posted links to how fetuses look and then a link to something about an elephant fetus idk
i was kind of upset about that i mean, it doesnt matter if the fetus was still a fetus i was missing being pregnant, then marta said, 'shut up lori'
she lost her babies due to in vitro complications. i got really upset because why should i be afraid to post things? anyways i msgd her and she said that fb shouldnt be about blasting your problems all over it, that is what family and best friends are for. i said, well, i say what is on my mind, and that is how i deal with things. i am not afraid to express myself. i am not like everyone else. i will say what is on my mind. i will not apologize. anyways, i said my intention was not to offend anyone, it was what was on my mind, plus i always want to encourage strength and support with other women. i said i should of shared with a facebook group for women who have had miscarriages or abortions and feel guilt and sadness about it rather than on facebook publicly. i deleted the whole thing.
i said, i do have my mom to talk too, but i have no friends. i spoke with shannan about it. i told marta that i had 3 miscarriages and not once did i post about it on facebook except for the last one. i am trying hard not to drink, or get drunk. i have had a few beers here and there, but not to the extent of blacking out. i hate hangovers and i havent had one in a long time. i do sober saturdays hashtag. i told marta i had 3 miscarriages and not once did lisa ever say im sorry or given me a hug or anything. actually, no one has really said i am sorry to me...some have. thats fine whatever.
i am not going to beat myself up over what i should and shouldnt post or think. im just sick of it. i will continue to post what is on my mind, i will continue to BLOG about what is on my mind!
so, i was writing something yesterday. i just wrote about how i never, posted about having a miscarriage before, on facebook. i did this time because right after i had one i was thinking, boy its taking a long time to get my period back. after the last one i was bleeding for quite some time...i never posted about it tho. i wrote about it here. my parents told some people too, but no one really said to me, 'im sorry' or gave me a hug or any of that. i told my mom i havent gotten my period yet, and this was after 2 month!?? so i told my mom and she asked if i am pregnant. i said, 'no' because i started to see red and figured i would get my period soon. well we got a test and i taken it and i saw it was positve and i just laughed because i was actually happy! so for those two weeks that i knew i really started preparing myself that i was raising a little baby, that the baby was growing inside of me. i dont care what anyone says, (it was just a sac of cells blah), it doesnt matter..i was looking forward to drs visits, ultrasounds, everything a woman goes through during pregnancy. and yes i AM writing about it because i write about things. i am not afraid too be either. i am strong and i would like to be encouraging for others, supportive, and outspoken. it DOES help when people are supportive. why be quiet about things!? why worry so much about what we should say and think. i do have alot of family and friends on fb, and i dont see them posting all their business on it, yes i know, but dont be afraid to either. and i shouldnt have to feel worried about offending anyone or making anyone upset.
when i went to the ER for the second time, and i found out i had passed it, i cried alot. it was very sad news.
yesterday i was thinking to myself, 'i miss being pregnant'. the life choices gave me a pin with two little feet that says the exact shape of the feet at 10 weeks. (i would of been about 9 weeks now), so i posted the picture of the feet on facebook, along with me saying i miss being pregnant, and that i would of been 9 weeks, but it wasnt the right time. i posted it because that was on my mind.
well someone posted, 'that is an inaccurate picture of the feet, they dont even have feet, and posted links to how fetuses look and then a link to something about an elephant fetus idk
i was kind of upset about that i mean, it doesnt matter if the fetus was still a fetus i was missing being pregnant, then marta said, 'shut up lori'
she lost her babies due to in vitro complications. i got really upset because why should i be afraid to post things? anyways i msgd her and she said that fb shouldnt be about blasting your problems all over it, that is what family and best friends are for. i said, well, i say what is on my mind, and that is how i deal with things. i am not afraid to express myself. i am not like everyone else. i will say what is on my mind. i will not apologize. anyways, i said my intention was not to offend anyone, it was what was on my mind, plus i always want to encourage strength and support with other women. i said i should of shared with a facebook group for women who have had miscarriages or abortions and feel guilt and sadness about it rather than on facebook publicly. i deleted the whole thing.
i said, i do have my mom to talk too, but i have no friends. i spoke with shannan about it. i told marta that i had 3 miscarriages and not once did i post about it on facebook except for the last one. i am trying hard not to drink, or get drunk. i have had a few beers here and there, but not to the extent of blacking out. i hate hangovers and i havent had one in a long time. i do sober saturdays hashtag. i told marta i had 3 miscarriages and not once did lisa ever say im sorry or given me a hug or anything. actually, no one has really said i am sorry to me...some have. thats fine whatever.
i am not going to beat myself up over what i should and shouldnt post or think. im just sick of it. i will continue to post what is on my mind, i will continue to BLOG about what is on my mind!
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