i feel blah

you know the thing is, i used to be hot as hell...(i think??), but i never really got attention. not like i want it, but, i always felt so insecure and out of place. i mean, now, forget it. i haven't really felt sexy in quite some time. perhaps it is because i haven't been around someone who makes me feel gorgeous and excited...about life, whatever. i haven't felt much...in about, two years. well...i dont know. i just feel so empty, and since i quit my job, i feel so upset. i mean, i didn't have too, but why does moss invite me on trips? why can't he just let me be, until i am able to do things. how can i move forward with life if i quit and have no money? at least i was getting a weekly income. see, he has no concept of what it is like to be poor. and it seems like he is the only person in my life. it is kind of depressing. i need something. i need something new. i don't know what i want or need!?? i am so used to feeling confined that i actually feel like giving up anymore.

like, i feel like that cushion of time has passed. had i not had people think they should tell me what to do, i would of did ok. 


i need to be in charge of me. i don't need anyone else thinking they can help me, whether it be mike, moss, or even my parents.

and i sure as heck do not feel sexy anymore. i do need to do more photoshoots. that helps, kinda...?

oh and the last one and the other one are semi recent. maybe 3 years ago. the thing is, i need to grow out my hair and lose weight again, and get some more tattoos and piercings HELL YAH WHY NOT!?? before i get too old? hey, i always enjoyed having my own style, why must people stop having style if they get older?

i need to get my groove back. STELLA! OOH STELLA! THAT IS WHY I KEPT HEARING STELLA! I NEED TO GET MY GROOVE BACK! (jk, i never had a 'groove')

i need a car tho. i know once i am able to drive myself around again, i will feel complete. then have some steady income...meet someone. things have to look up, right?