i feel so helpless and hopeless

i need to just...express how lost and hopeless i feel right now. i am really upset with moss too. i was not planning on quitting my job. yes i hated it, but i was not planning on quitting just yet, at least until i saved up for a car. i do have some money saved up but it is for a car. i never wanted to go on some trip with moss, and i feel weird telling people i am going on a trip with moss. its just weird. why am i going with him? he is not my boyfriend, and not someone with whom i really get along with. i mean, if you see the guy for an hour here or talk to him on the phone for 20 mins, its one thing, but to spend a whole fucking week with him? im going to go mad. he keeps assuring me that his girl friend will be there, but a whole week, with him? i dont mean to complain, but moss does not understand that i was just not ready to go. reason why i did was because he says i cant go to the acms if i dont go to new orleans? why do that to me? i want to go to new orleans, just not now, when im broke. i mean, no spending money to enjoy myself. and i would go with a boyfriend or something, ya know??? im just upset because i feel so lost and i need a job. i need weekly income. like i had. i am not going to spend from my savings, (which i put into my paypal account so i do not see it so i do not spend it)...

i need to really focus on myself. fuck moss, i mean, if he was a friend, he wouldnt expect me to just drop MY life and go where he wants me to go. does that make me a weak fool, who lets moss control my life? some may say that.

but then i think, well...NO! a free trip? that i never even asked for!???! cuz i didnt. id prefer to save up MY OWN MONEY to plan a trip to somewhere like new orleans. i know how it will be, im going to not feel happy. im going to feel like im just following him around in the hot sun.

i need to focus on my life now. i want to meet someone who makes me feel so comfy and safe and inspired and happy and giddy etc...i mean. fuck everyone. 

im sick of this staleness. i need to just...live my fucking life.