I have to admit, it does feel rather nice when I get so many Happy Birthdays on facebook, but in realization, it only takes a fleeting moment for someone to get notified of your birthday, and in a split second, either they make the decision to wish you a happy birthday, or a wonderful day, or not. Same goes when you see a birthday notification. Either you decide to say happy birthday, or figure your happy birthday will go unnoticed, lost in the sea of other birthday wishes. To be honest, personally, I think it feels nice when people take a moment to post happy birthday. I usually say happy bday to others, unless I do not really know them. Having said all that, my birthday gift to myself is to start treating myself as important. I should matter to myself, and I no longer want to be dictated by anyone else.
Two years ago, I thought I had made a life changing decision. See, two years ago, I was living with Mike. For my birthday, I was looking forward to going out to a nice dinner and maybe being treated like I am someone's special girl. (I know that sounds ...weird haha!)...I tried to dress up in a nice dress and makeup and we went to a fancy....ish, Mexican restaurant, however, I felt more burdening than enjoying a dinner. The waitress probably thought that he is a lucky guy, like, what is he doing with a girl like me? Mike never sees it that way. He sees me as the wrong one. He did not tell the server it was my birthday, he did not try to engage me in conversation or tell me I looked nice. He did not try to make me feel good at all. After that, some girl with big breasts strutted by across the street, almost as if she was sent there as a decoy of sorts. Of course, Mike glanced over and raised his eyebrows in admiration. In the meantime, Mike did not notice my dress or any thought I put into my appearance.
I felt hurt and upset, and although I attempted to remain quiet in the ride home, significant of the hurt I felt, he was too thick-skulled to realize this, and so at a stop sign, I acted like I was going to run out of the truck. This in turn made him scream at me as if I was a crazy bitch, and he therefore kept cursing me out. We had plans to go out later that night, but after my act of cuntiness, he felt we should not in fact go out. The plans for the next day were ruined as well, as he ran away from me when I was chasing him out the door. I was hoping we would do something fun and outdoorsy, but based on my outbursts from the night before, he took off. I was so upset I was wailing uncontrollably until a blunt razor stabilized my mood as I sliced some chicken scratches all over my wrists. I felt lost, alone, hurt, and irrational.
After I gained a bit of free thought, I had made the decision to move out. A few weeks later I was out of there. I felt I was finally gaining freedom and control over my life again. I felt like the world was my oyster. I had a ticket to LA and I went out there. I enjoyed life. I did fun things. I was still getting mind games nonetheless by Mike, and I was conditioned to want him to forgive me. I could not have him left there, after having been in a car accident, alone by himself with no one. I had to get home. (actually I am not sure if it was that time....i lose track! doesnt matter)
fast forward two years later....actually...dont. despite the freedom i had thought i had, i must of subconsciously imprisoned myself by letting my boredom get to me. i used to feel as if i always had to go out on the weekend. i had a long week at my job, and i was hoping to get out and enjoy my friday night. i actually wanted to go to red lobster with someone, but there was no one to go with. jay had his daughter, (even tho in retrospect, his daughter was a senior in high school, surely she could of survived a night without her dad!??! doesnt matter...i am not trying to find blame with anyone)....mike was in bethlehem too, but since mike has always been so disrespectful towards me, sara did not want him around. well, i went to bethlehem and it was lame as heck, and despite some sort of 'house party', (ahem...boring as heck) i said i wanted to leave a few times. course no one seemed to pay me no mind, and went on as if i never said that!?? bladder kicked in, had to utilize the restroom, went into the flimsily decorated apartment...(thats another thing...no one decorates their homes!!!??? its always a haphazard attempt...) after that, sara wanted to go to mollys, and we did. i was able to drive, in fact i was heading to mikes...cept there had been a car accident. car accident in place!? check! i drive into that trap, why yes! cant back out!??! nope! 'have you been drinking' um i think it was pretty evident....i was under the influence. i was affected by alcohol. my response to the field test was slow, i definately was influenced. i am not denying that one.
freedom once again became a distant dream. and i am still fighting it.
today was my birthday. my mom wanted us all to go out to eat. my dad kept mentioning a steakhouse. so my mom invited matt and lisa to dinner. why is matt always able to go places with lisa? why was lisa able to bring her boyfriend or fiancee at the time to my cousin kims wedding, but i could not bring mike? oh, they are married...yeah i keep forgetting. yes, for my mom, and i's birthday, for my birthday, matt has to go. what about me? why can i never have someone with me? why can't i ever have someone who cares about me, with me? on my birthday? oh im sorry, i am being selfish!??!
my dad did not want me to invite mike. he is upset with mike because last week he was so ungrateful. he showed no gratitude at all. i bought mike a ticket for balloonfest and kansas concert, and he made me feel so uncomfortable and worried that he would embarrass me, he did not enjoy it. he did not enjoy spending time with me. i dragged him to something he did not want to do. how dare i!??! the nerve of me!??!
"well, you can bring mike if he wants to go"...so, i called mike. i did not think he really wanted to go!??! i asked jay if he wanted to go, but he made plans with gabby his daughter to help her drive. so i asked mike. he mumbled 'what time?" oh uhh.....soon!??!
So Mike came over, and we get in my parents car. I asked about Caleb, or something. Caleb is a senior now (we were talking to my cousin mary earlier in the day she is his mom)...what is caleb going to do after he graduates? he is not going to do what mary does?" (i asked...mary has went to school so many times, for so many different things!??! x ray technician, phlebotomist, all kinds of things, which she never got into actually doing. now she is going for some sort of undertaker studies. i was only kidding too when i said that. they said caleb wants to go in the military. i said hey he should get into a field which will help him once he gets out. i said i should of stayed in for MP and did criminal justice once i got out, or medic and got into medical field...well when i said that mike just scoffed, as if that was so hilarious. my dad told me he was going to speak up last weekend when mike would triviliaze (not the word i am looking for!??!?) everything i would say. no matter what i say, mike does not listen, instead he acts as if i am saying a dumb thing. i was not in the mood for his negative attitude. he has to argue with everything i say. he never listens even tho i am saying something logical and explainable. he just scoffs and insults. i was irritated but i decided to overlook it and say how i do not think every parent should send their child to a university. first of all, it is so much money! and alot of students never even get into the field they went to school for!??! its wasted studies. i am more adament about trade or vocational schools, and maintaining a good clean record. this is crucial. oh by the way, i did pass a government top secret security clearance, at 18! before i began drinking that is. now, forget it! i cant even get a decent job at walmart...anyways that is beside the point...
he interrupted what i was saying by saying something like , do you know what...he used some word but i dont remember what it is, and i tried asking him what that word meant, (i guess he felt as if what i expressed about parents allowing their children to go to school.....i feel it is not necessary for all...he made it seem as if what i said was wrong...i think he thought i was saying all parents should put their child in uni...(im from london!??!) see, he was not listening) but my parents were sick of hearing these mindless arguments and made it seem like they were telling me to stop really they just did not want to get to the point where they would tell mike off because it would ruin the whole dinner.
so mike got really quiet like a sour lump and i didnt want the night to feel awkward and horrible. i tried to ask him or get his attention and he pushed my hand away like a bratty child.
i had to pee so bad once we got to texas roadhouse. lisa and matt were not there yet, so i was hoping someone would take initative and tell them party of 7, (adria) so we could be seated and i could use the restroom. no one did tho, and they were waiting around for lisa to answer her phone. not only was i upset from mikes attitude, i had a full bladder and i was hungry. so i was like, 'can someone take initiative and reserve a table?' everyone was being so docile. that is how the browns are i guess, its like a gaggle of docile imbeciles. i was just hungry and grumpy....but you know, someone reserve a table and we sit at the table and then text lisa where we were. what is the problem? my parents were not about to so i was like, 'come on mike lets reserve a table' . he proceeded to look at his cheap android facebook feed. if jay was there, he would come with me to reserve our party. my mom started telling me i was acting like a baby or something and it fueled mike into further seeing me as some sort of...whatever....i dont know!??! sometimes i just give up!!??!
well finally lisa and matt came and we got the table. well we got the table before they showed up. mike did not even sit next to me!??! lisa and matt and adria showed up and so i moved to sit at the end of the table next to mike, and lisa sat across from mike. not once did mike gesture towards me or say a word to me. he was silent, but he made sure to be polite to lisa. i felt so upset, and humiliated, sitting there with a jerk next to me. i didnt show it of course, but at one point i tried to ask mike something and he told me not to talk to him.
memories of my bday 'dinner' two years ago came back, and here i was sitting there trying to appear normal when i felt like i can never win!??!? why did i even invite him!? i should of listened to my dad. he is very ungrateful, mean, non caring....uncommunicative!??!
we went to the mall and he was glad to check out any girl too. i am over this!?? i just...i cant waste any time on him anymore!??!
my parents dropped us off and mike came in the house, to get his keys. i wanted to talk to him but then he started saying, 'what do you want to talk about? ' in a gruff manner i said what was in the note (i wrote him a note debriefing everything i felt...accumuvitely) i am so tired i dont know
he had the nerve to tell me he didnt like the way i was talking to him!??! my eyes filled with disbelief and glazed over, and at that moment, i just looked at him, smiled, and said, 'have a good life'.
No comments:
Post a Comment