Life

im stuck. i do not like this at all. i have no idea when i will be free again. i have no sense of person anymore. a good reason why i like asmr and reality and voyueristic type stuff as well as glimpsing..into someones life, house tours, etc...is because this is part of being human. i enjoy sensing how someone LIVES, i like to see what people COOK to EAT,  i like imagining the scents and fragrances their cooking omits, i like to see people interact, laugh, joke...i like DRINK, feelings becoming HIGHLIGHTED by a nice glass of red wine or a nice cool BEER, i like the change of season, i like the warm balmy embrace of summer and i like the cool snap of autumn...i like memories, i like moments...i like being, i like learning, i like embracing...

i feel stuck now. i have no one...who!??! i wish i could just meet someone who is as involved with minute details as i am...a friend shared an ADD post and captioned, 'how i feel' the ADHD explained how people who have it WILL HEAR YOU TALK, YET THEY ARE NOT LISTENING...their mind is a flit...flittering away to dalliances and thoughts of how YOUR LIPS ARE MOVING OR HAIR OUT OF PLACE! they do not HEAR what you are saying!!!! they are thinking of retorts or what they want to say most people are like this, from my experience. most people do not listen! they just want to say what they want to say.

i want to meet someone who wants to be as invested in touch, detail...scent...all of that. someone who wants to capture...

what am i looking forward too? death? i want to celebrate and embrace being HUMAN during this short amount of time i am on this planet, but how can i when i feel robbed of what is making me a human?

boredom. loneliness. this is what got me in trouble. i did everything i am supposed too, i followed the rules and i still am but how long do i need to be PUNISHED!???! how long will i continue to be a prisoner?

i miss cooking. i miss little embellishments and flourishes to my meals....such as fresh herbs or freshly squeezed lemon, or toasted sesame seeds. its different now. i do not eat this way.

i am passing up my human experiences because i am stuck.

i have nothing to celebrate. graduating from college? (i did that...nothing came of it)...publishing a book? accomplishing something, being rewarded...being ACKNOWLEDGED? falling in love, STAYING IN LOVE? experiencing pregnancy?

buying a house...growing a garden...SMOKING A CIGAR?

sigh...

when will i ever feel life again?