prayer

Dear God,

I heard something at work today, and it made me feel incredibly awful. I just want to blend in. I do not wish to be someone that people sickly grin at with their wicked glees and delights. 

I am no longer in control of my life. I do not own my life. Who owns my life? Not I. I am worthless, I am a fucking joke that should be erased. I should not bear to live with these harassments I overhear and oversee every single day of my life. I am constantly being harassed, tortured, tormented, and being made to feel like a paranoid, delusional joke. I deserve to have these people take me, picking at my skin like the crows that they are, failing to understand or see the true love in my heart, burning what happy memories I may of ever had. 

I am losing hope, for life, for feeling normal. Is this normal? To constantly hear things made to make you feel like growing a thick, numb skin, that of a reptile? Is that what I am supposed to be? A reptilian mind come to fruition? Shall I just start releasing my inner vibrations so that the serpent can resonate over my reptilian mind? I mean, what is the point of my life anymore?

I am nothing. I am just an antedocte for people to reflect on in mere pity, amusement and entertainment.

I am disgusting. I am stupid. I am a waste of space, a waste of a human being. I thank you God, for giving my parents the beautiful gift of life with me. I thank you God, for blessing me with such wonderful, loving parents, but I am pathetic.

I did nothing to make them proud. I never succeeded. The only thing I succeeded at was drinking. Drinking to blackout, drinking to erase. Drinking has caused me so many problems, and it turned me into a person, without a personality!


I will go to work tomorrow, knowing that my paranoia is true and existent. It is not paranoia, it is merely a reaction to being harassed, ridiculed, and mocked. 

I cannot believe what I heard, but I know I did. This proves to me that I am a targetted individual, and that the devil really is working hard to take control over my life, my mind.

God, I know I am reaching out to you. I pray and pray, asking for you to surround me with YOUR presence, to help me, to guide me. Please God, I no longer want to feel pathetic, pity, or paranoid.

I do want control over me, I ask you to control me, control me with YOUR plans for me. 

I cannot live feeling like people just want to persecute me. I want to be happy, I want to feel at peace. I want to feel in control of my life. I want to have kids, meet someone who loves me. Get married. I want to write. I want to have a good job.

Thank you God, for sending down the church music, for my dad just played it. Of course he shut it off now. 

They are talking about masonry on the History channel. All I want is to blend in, and just be left alone. If someone wants to be my friend, fine, I don't care, whatever...I just do not want to work where I am made to feel so uncomfortable, that is all.

Thank you God please cover me with your blood, Jesus Christ.

Amen


I put this prayer as public, just for a little sympathy and compassion for goodness sake. Work is so weird. I mean, I just want to go to work, zone out, fill the nutrisystem with the cookies and granola bars from my station, and get through the day. It is filled with people speaking in spanish, which frankly, I feel that is rude. Also, a bunch of white dudes who are (well two white dudes).....who seem to think they know me, and some loud, fat girls. The people around me are ok, they are nice. I don't really care I mean it is work, right? A job....

you know? Just one question tho, how do people from these jobs seem to know me? I mean, I am quiet, I keep to myself, I do not stand out. So how do people find my blog, or...find out ways to make me feel creeped out? I mean, who is releasing this information? Is this how 'targetted indiviuals' work? They find you at your jobs, they find you in the grocery store, they find you no matter where they are, even in your own family, they find you?

They may not even realize the full extent of it, the full spectrum of how each little comment or expression or anything actually hurts you, how each harassment keeps building and building, until you become this insane taylor swift, tell me im insane? 

Anyways, little do they realize, THEY are the joke, THEY are the puppets! Puppets be dance, you ugly, low life, low class fools!


God, I am sorry, I did not mean to become the same way as them. By calling others names, that does not get me anywhere. That makes me just as bad as them. I need to learn that. God, thank you for allowing me to pray to you. I love you and I can feel that you do have plans for me, each harassment helps me to grow stronger, and I understand how to feel level and grounded. I understand that us humans are a silly creation, we need to gossip and communicate with each other to feel important. We need to communicate about silly, unimportant jibber jabber, laughing loudly as if our loud laughs will poke holes into other people's psyches. We need to make others feel upset to bring and lift ourselves up. We need to recreate, our sexual urges are just that, horny tendencies which are foolish unless in love and married and for the creation of love and life. People are run by sins, sexual urges, lies, cheating, manipulation, addictions. Humans. Why are we so simple yet so foolishly complex? Our minds are always consumed by the internet, television, even news. We are lambasted and blasted every day by things designed to bring us down, to harm us. When will we realize the Creation, the story, pure and wonderful, designed by God? God, are we confused by things we do not understand? 

Please God, I do not ask you to let go of me. I know you are a patient God, and that we are your creation, and that despite of the horrors mankind is capable of, you still look after us, all of us, for we are your children.

Please God, please grant me more strength. Sometimes I just want to be erased.