I need to do something with my life. I just can't. I can't stand this. I feel like a prisoner. This job is depressing. These hours are really tough for me, and it seems like all I do is work and sleep. I do not even do anything fun on the weekends. It is like I have nothing to look forward too. Last Wednesday night, I was at work, and I saw that the clock said 8:30pm, so I told myself to make sure to call SASY on my break to find out if I have to go in the next day. I was calling every night, but lately my color gets called on Thursdays and Fridays. It has not been called for Mondays or Tuesdays, or even Wednesdays, so I sort of get used to having a few days where I do not have to worry about going in. I forgot to call on my break. Then I went home, I had such a headache because Jeannie came over and turned off my air vent while the printer was still printing. It was cutting out a plastic based fabric, and the smell gives me really bad headaches. When I got home, my mom gave me an advil PM. I slept really late, until 130. Usually I wake up at noon. I had taken a shower, eat lunch, and messed around on fb for a bit. It totally left my mind as to call Sasy, I was on my way to work. I wanted to go in at 4. For some reason I decided to go to the bathroom before we left, usually I wait till I get to work. In the car, my dad asked me if I called sasi, and just then I realized I did not. So I started drinking alot of water and we went to sasi. I payed off the 12.00 and I tried to go in the cup. I was able too but not enough and the girl made me pour in out in the toilet because it was not enough!???

I was so worried because I just want to do all that I can to get off of this SASI. This SASI is holding me back and keeping me a prisoner. This is not fun! Being stuck! And it is not so much the NO DRINKING that bothers me, it is the fact that I cannot LEAVE! I am stuck here! 

So I called her and she was not there, I kept calling. Finally I got through, and she was just like, 'oh ok' after I explained to her that the girl made me pour it out, she just goes, 'oh ok I'll get the results'. Well, there will be no results because I had to dump it out!??? She just went, 'oh ok' so what does that mean!???

This is causing me such unnecessary stress that I really just want to get off of this bullshit. I am done with this. I have to pay 12.00 each week, I can't leave. I can't have a drink even tho I obviously cannot drive! I hate not knowing when to look forward too!?? The next time I see her is in January. I do not plan on asking her about taking me off sasi until I pay off my fines. I have 2222.00 left. That is still alot. I work and my check goes to paying my fines off. I have no idea what to look forward too. I am getting very lonely too. I want a boyfriend, I want to get married. I want a baby. I just want something, anything, to look forward too!? Anyways, Friday I called a lawyer and I also called a lawyer and left msgs about switching over to NJ for the rest of my probation, since I live here. They do not have sasi here. My PO told me that she has to approve it, whatever that means? Please, just get me off this sasi program. It is really bullshit!

Next time  I see her is Jan. 14th...2 months. So that means 2 more months being on this. 2 more months to pay off my fines...ha! who knows...

I dont have money for a lawyer....

I hope I get layed off soon tho...blahhh..I can collect and make more money since they will go by what I was making at OHL. I just want to start LOOKING FORWARD TO LIFE! These past two years have been awful for me. I need to finally start having things work out for me, i mean, god damn!??! right?? i do not usually use the lords name in vain but it seemed to work...well, Gods name...the Lord...

I am also on the list for housing. I just do not know what number I am. Last I knew, I was 18th....