i need alone time

i dont think that moss understands, that i need to be alone. im sleeping on the couch, but hes up on his computer well past when i go to sleep (which is late myself)...and he is always making weird noises or saying, 'oh fawny'. i tell him to stop. i need some time by myself, or else i feel like i am going to hyper-ventilate, because i realize how far i am from solace. i get weird sometime. i need time to myself. that is why i came out here too, i suppose. because i wanted to get away. i keep running. here, there.

i close the curtains to the outside world at night. well, ok, i can look into other peoples apartments. in fact, i may become a peeping tom! i like to look into other people's worlds. is that weird? if they are going to leave their windows open..(oh, they fixed the one apartment where the walls are windows and you can see inside their kitchen.) i just like to see how people decorate, or...get a feeling about things. or im a just a voyeur?? or i want to be watched?? who knows!??

i look outside. i see the hustle and bustle of hollywood, and out there...well this apartment faces the blvd...the hustle of hollywood blvd. the desperation, the sausages after the bars, the constant clubbing, the fake red carpet events promoting fake unimportant events. the hookah bars, the shady types, the chilliness...the wanting to find an after party, or 'party favors'....thats hollywood blvd at night. i'd actually prefer sunset or weho, if i go out that is. 

(hes making noise. eating something. i cant think. i cant get into some sort of...psuedo-poetic, ALONE time trance...with him scooping up expired yogurt or whatever it is? ) 

hmm...oh yeah, KEVIN came over and we went to katsuya for lunch. had some sort of meeting? i dont know!??! other than that, i really didnt do much???

just being a spaz, thats all...shrug

psuedo poetic! how delightfully goofy!

so, someone msgd me on facebook. they were like, 'you can do it! just do it" talking about graphic and web design. the point is, i feel silly being out here. what am i? who am i? what did i ever accomplish? 

i come out here in search of answers, of course they will never come...and i need money. if i had money, i would be more focused. (its true)...i would really write. and not being 'hungry' and working for other people, i would write MY ideas! MY creations! MY stories!!! i wouldn't be designing graphic logos in some sort of dream movie like...uh....the devil wears prada, but as a graphic and web designer. even kim is not doing her dream movie career! walking around in red bottom heels ala devil wears prada...

then i come here, and im thinking, im not successful. im just...some sort of silly person!?? im not even one of those...types...that go to parties or events. i dont want to be tho? 

i dont have the patience to sit and nod while my to other peoples ideas and plans. i dont think moss understands this. he tells me, ; i can get you a job in hollywood' (and im only talking about moss because he is sniffling around and i need my alone time) 

maybe i can write a short story on how i was bored and made a CL post, about wanting to meet someone famous...and see who responds? this is the internet, and the internet is safe. while i am a typing...i am safe. yes...i am. im in a cozy (yes moss does have a cozy apt), while CONAN or ADULT SWIM keep me company in the background...ears peeled as if to hear any sort of 'poison' or joke...


but...yeah....

i guess im going to go to sleep. *ehem* clears throat (i dont make those noises, moss is the one who does) or he squeaks or...MY dogtags clank...since he wears them. i want them back :( but i think they will be all....green and greasy since he wears them all the time and never takes them off? they are MY dogtags tho!!!!