today

so..i am trying to figure out what to do with my life. i just want to be happy,i want a job...i want to feel fulfilled. anyways..la dee da boring repetitive stuff. it's just that, when i attempt to fall asleep, (only to be awoken by loud sleep apnea snores...), i lay there thinking, 'what am i doing with my life?" i mean, i need to figure things out. i can't stand this! in fact, i don't even feel like continuing this blog post. i don't have a gameplan. i just don't. i have been in limbo for so long. i have no gameplan!? i don't have any kids, but i know i want to have kids, but i feel like i am getting older. plus mike tells me he doesn't want kids. i want to get married. why? why not? why don't i deserve that? why can't i get a good, fulfilling job? oh whatever. so i am sort of on the cusp about going out to LA...i would of course, because i feel like anything is possible, but of course reality sets in and it would be me helping moss with his reel, but then what? he said he would pay me to help him, i dont know? but then what? i just hang around his place all day, well, i would be helping him..but what happens when i get bored and want to enjoy my summer? what am i going to do? moss brought up the hangover 3 premiere may 20th, but..what does that even entail? i cant possibly catch a glimpse or perhaps a picture, and its not even definate we can get in...i mean..ugh i just want to meet a new, fun guy i am attracted too, and can have FUN with...mike and i don't have fun because during the week he works, and i cook dinner, we have been watching episodes of the walking dead...and he goes to bed and i stay up...weekend comes along, i want to go out or something, even hang out and watch youtube or movies and chat, but he gets tired, and we don't even communicate. its just boring!?? i want to have fun...and i feel guilty if i try to hang out with someone else, even tho im not planning on doing anything i just want to take a ride on a motorcycle or something? or...i hope it starts getting nice out i mean, come on! its still chilly out! sigh.....i just want to be happy!! and work, and have money. im sick of this! 

oh yeah, so...what fun things am i going to do in LA? i keep thinking im going to find answers, but i wont. i never do. just more weird things. more strange things. maybe not even. its going to be me following moss around. there will be no guy to hang out with, that i am attracted too. (what im horny!?? ha just joking..kind of :/ i hate that word, horny..ugh...whats another word that isnt so...stupid sounding...thats like a ron jeremy type of word...you know, porn stars from the 70s feeling horny...or randy, like um...austin powers...or frisky? ill all those words suck!! all the words sound gross, naughty i hate that word too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

yuck! but anyways...i am searching for answers, that i doubt i will ever find out. like i said, if i go to la, what will happen? i will spend money if i get bored and go out and buy drinks for myself? or what??? i want to go with ron to the conan thing, but come on...he doesn't even know when? and the conan people don't want some weirdo like me accompanying ron and hanging around. i won't find anything out if (which i highly doubt) that happens...they forgot about me anyways. they dont care..so what would happen if i go? i get a picture. i will look cool to the fanclub.

ahhh whatever!??!? :D still sounds more fun then being here and bored, wondering!??!

or...wellian

this blog sucks!???!!

HELP WHAT SHOULD I DO?