I do feel bad about Tahoe, and I feel a bit bitter about vegas with mike. at least with tahoe, moss pays for everything! he pays my airfare, hotel suite, (we share but its always a nice suite), food, and good food like high-end sushi and thai, and he even reimburses the days i miss work. i mean, for real. mike however, well mike honestly did not coincide the trip with tahoe, (he truly had no idea. how would mike even care to know, really..?), but now mike won't change it because he will feel as if i am choosing moss over mike. truth is, i kind of just want to stray from mike as well. im sick of him telling ME what to do. he obviously does not want to get married. i have really been with him all throughout my 30s, and we are going NO WHERE!! he tells me to look for another job. BACK OFF! I will look for a job WHEN I WANT TOO! i'm really sick of this shit. is having a family really worth it??? 

I'd rather just be in charge of my fucking life. also, my parents tell me no more trips. I enjoy trips. I have a bucket list of trips I want to do, before I kick the bucket. You know, after I take those trips, well, then I can just DIE, but for now, I WANT to see the world!!! Is Mike going to want to roam over to Rome with me? Is he worldly enough to enjoy different countries without being bound in his person?

I JUST cancelled my full on cable, so now I only have basic cable and internet. I have to return my dvr box tho, so I can pay 12.00 less a month. I figured, this will help me save money. I was also convinced by Miki Spies to sign up for their manifestation group.

hmm, I might talk about that in another post...??? well, yeah. nah, i'll bring it up now. They have a curriculum, I guess, on how to obtain your dreams and goals. They say if you follow their program, you can manifest your dreams into fruition. Money, wealth, health, whatever. She msgd me a bunch of times, and left voice messages on fb. her daughter is sydney spies and she was in the internet news a few years ago about having a too sexy h.s. yearbook photo, remember? now they live in the netherlands, and they film inspiration videos. So, she told me about the program, and i went to do the 2 week free trial, but instead, i have been with the program for 2 months or more.  The thing is, after the free trial, they charge 88.00 a month!?? I mean, first off, that is alot! To watch videos??? the videos consist of positivity, i mean, its great, i enjoy watching them...they really encourage the viewers to become vegan however....

Last month, I really struggled, and having that 88.00 taken out of my bank account really hurt me. For the longest time, I had about 2.55 in my account because the 88.00 was taken out. And I get payed every 2 weeks. I mean, yeah, I didn't manifest anything, but I did not turn vegan, and the rest were just fun videos to watch. Yeah, I do like watching their videos, I just wish it wasn't that expensive!??! Maybe 20.00 a month you know??? So I called my bank to cancel that, I am manifesting saving more money tho, you know???

what else....i dont know? I see that popular ASMRtist karuna saturi, well, along with her striving youtube channels, she also has a patreon, and she has over 4000 patrons who are paying 1.00 a month. 1.00 a month! that's it! so just with her patrons alone, she is making 4k a month! and she lives in a 600.00 nicely furnished home somewhere in deep PA, with her family. 

I am getting more and more subs to my youtube channel everyday lol,,,,but, im not sure if adsense will end up paying me, since i have been banned from adsense on this blog, so if im banned, well, im sure im also banned on youtube. which SUCKS! maybe eventually i can start a patreon account tho, and make fun, lively videos, or something,,,??? IDK!??! 

but in the meantime, let us manifest LETTUCE! and become VEGAN!! (I would try it tho! I don't need meat or dairy, really. I don't really eat eggs, I can switch to almond milk, i can switch to coconut oil instead of butter..but I do drink kefir. of course,i can switch out kimchi in lieu of kefir. both are probiotics. so is saurkraut. i do need to start becoming more healthy tho. their videos really did manage to nail their self love philosophies engrained...blah. 

i havent BOUGHT alchohol in a long time either. i might tomorrow, out of boredom. i dont know? its not fun tho...i do want to work on visiting my friend in ENGLAND THO!! i know i said this spring, but its very hard to save money...it is :(