wednesday night

Ok, so, this has been on my mind for a while now. Where can I start? First of all, I am depressed, I am just bored of my life. I have no sense of excitement, nothing. I do not like where I work, and when I get off of work, frankly, I just sigh as I realize I am coming back here. Mike does not understand me. I have been wanting to write this down for a while...sigh. There are a bunch of things I want to do, but living here I am limited. Plus the fact that Mike does not respect me. He does not truly care about me, nor does he even know who I am! He knows the topical layer that he chooses to know, the layer in which I am layed back, but also annoyed, the layer where I go to work, come home, and I am just...there. Not really trying. He doesn't seem to want to scratch past the surface to truly get to know me, he doesn't seem to want too, he just wants to be lazy. We live together. I do not want to seem selfish because I would like to dig deeper into his soul, (jk trying to sound cheesy, plus i am typing slow that he doesnt get out of bed and clump in here like an ogre)...i say lazy in the manner in which he doesnt seem to know...me. and who is, me? i dont even know? like, for instance, i still watch americas next top model, ok? i mean, i just like to! plus i like when i did photoshoots and modeling, it is fun! i would like to do more photoshoots again! i just like it, sue me! i also told mike i did some runway shows for the miss universe aids awareness tour in 2005, (he doesnt care)...then he started to say modeling is superficial and basically insulting me. if he doesnt care about who i am, or what i enjoy, he does not truly care about me. modeling is sort of artistic expression, as lame as it sounds. i am a creative person. i enjoy art and such...plus, women like to feel sexy! i like to feel and look hot/pretty/sexy whatever...oh, and mike has no problem ogling actresses, WHO WEAR MAKEUP! i dont know? he just told me to shut the tv off...he doesnt want to go with me to family events. my cousin kims bridal shower is this saturday ok? kim is married to keith and they both truly love each other. they do. he respects her, and he cares about her. when you care about someone, you want to hear their stories, you dont belittle and insult them, and make them feel vain, superficial, whatever the case may be. you know, there is a tsa guy who i kind of find cute, ok? i get those feelings too you know!?? FEELINGS! and mike goes around to the dominican and says to her, "coma estes mami?" i asked him what the fuck is that? he obviously does not appreciate me, if he is talking like that to some person at his work! mike and i are comfortable with each other i guess...but, he doesnt want to go to family events with me or show support, and that is what you do when you honestly care and love someone. what else did i want to say? oh news reporter character said poison and started talking about schizophrenia....(i know...) im just being dumb. sigh...more airport cafe tomorrow. ugh it feels like i just got home! but what kind of home is it if i cant even relax and watch some tv? oh but its now 1am and i am tired!