Happy Easter

Hey so....Happy easter and all He is risen! i dont know? everyone on facebook is posting bunny pics and easter candy and easter-esque type pics...im stuck here...i would of liked to of went to church and had a good brunch of what not....i remember when we were little girls and i always looked forward to easter morning. my mom would get lisa and i nice easter dresses and we would go to church, and easter morning we would look around the house because there would be easter eggs and easter baskets hidden. then when sage was little i would go to church and they would have an easter egg hunt but i remember last time they changed it somehow, and it got me mad. oh, because they put little papers inside with a gift that you had to go get at the table, instead of just having candies inside and poor sage didnt get any papers with a gift and they wouldnt give her one or something. i miss sage. now she is getting older, teenage years, so it wont be the same. when she was younger she used to enjoy putting makeup on me and painting my nails and i always found it relaxing haha! i would take her to movies like harry potter oh yeah i even took her to see silent hill! and that movie had horrid scenes in it where the woman got stuck outside a church and the monster ripped her dress off then he ripped her skin off, and sage was horrified and she whispered in a calm but scared voice, "Loi (thats how she pronounced my name)...can we go?" she tried to be calm about it but i could tell she was really scared. i traumatized her! im horrible! well i didnt know that movie was going to be so violent. i liked the video game and i thought it would be like the game....speaking of silent hill i have a shoot in centralia coming up, centralia is the coal town in pennsylvania where the movie takes place. i have a bunch of shoots coming up, cool ones. shannan and i want to do the prom one too....i like doing photoshoots!! its always fun, i think? mike thinks im dumb for it....speaking of mike...uh, i am not happy with him. i just dont get that excited, enthralled feeling. yes i know after a while when you are with someone it dies down...but mike doesnt even respect me or care about me or who i am...he laughs at anything i say, he puts me down, he is quick to get angry, he underestimates me and takes me for granted. weekends come along and its not even fun. i used to look forward to the weekends but since i have been living with him, its like there is nothing to look forward to, ever. for instance, last night we rented a movie. well, he falls asleep all the time and it makes me feel like i am in a relationship with an old man. im not ready to feel old ok? we rented a movie and he fell asleep so i kept trying to wake him up but he got mad and yelled at me. i dont need this! i dont! then he goes to bed and i try to say good night and give him a hug but he is just a jerk....i see the bedroom and the bed as a place of solace, a haven to slumber in, i believe POSITIVE vibes! i like to say good night and give a hug and say i love you, but he holds a grudge because i got mad after he points and says listen you, and i do scream because of my emotions, i am passionate so i get defensive and i can go crazy actually. because no one wants to have a finger pointed at them and 'listen you...' blah blah blah...

last night he actually did grill up some marinaded chicken which was very good. but then he doesnt want me drinking which was fine because i was tired anyways, but thats another thing, i do like to go out. i like to have fun, get dressed up, conversate. mike and i never do and every weekend its just fights. i had enough!

i hate going to bed after being insulted and upset and angry, and yes im going to retaliate and its not healthy! its not! like, this morning i took a shower and he went to the basement i was going to go downstairs and sit at the end of the couch and say bye. well, he came upstairs which got me upset because i knew he would be pre-occupied with the microwave and stuff, and then i wouldnt have his full attention but i figured i would still be nice. so i got out of the bathroom and said, 'happy easter' and wanted to give him a hug but instead he yells at me again. he said, "do you even know what you called me last night?" and then he kept at it, and i shut up. i felt that dreadful feeling arising and i didnt know what to do but i just screamed again. i dont like doing that but when you are being belittled it is hard not too. im just getting sick of it. i try to be nice to him but he always finds reasons to be disappointed with me. what did i call him last night? did i hurt his feelings? yes i got mad because i would like to be able to rent a movie and just cuddle with him but that obviously cannot happen if he always falls asleep! im just not happy. i tell him time and time again that im leaving, im done! im sick of this! i dont think he believes me, but then again, i dont think i believe it either???