heys

Hey! So, here is the deal...Mike doesn't care one way or the other, whether I choose to stay or not. He is at his wit's end with me, (no, he did not use those terms, I just likened the way it sounded just now. He feels I need to redeem myself, based off my 'lying and cheating', like he constantly likes to remind me. Frankly, I am starting to get sick of it. I do not need to be told constantly that I am a liar and a cheater. Life is too short to be miserable, it really is. Now, I do love Mike, but sometimes things come to a frozen pause, a stoic pause...a pause in the middle of a stoic pond full of frogs! Dead frogs that is, due to its stoic-ness. I just do not feel like putting the energy into bitching it out on the internet, also, I just...it feels like my mind is elsewhere, it feels like Mike and I, both of our mindframes are elsewhere. I want to make it work with Mike, I told him I will prove to him that I love him, etc..but at the same time...i feel my heart and mind is elsewhere, or rather, non-existant...

i just feel, sort of lost. i feel nothing. no excitement, nothing to look forward too really. it does suck. mike works alot, overtime etc...and he sees me as worthless, sitting around doing nothing, not contributing...although i did cook a good dinner tonight, ((on another note, who is this commercial actress who ANNOYS the hell out of me, aside from the bake a salad woman, this one, she is the one who yelled at the bear sheriff cake, now i see her everywhere, in commercials. i always wanted to do a blog post about the actors in commercials...ugh..like the goofy tom hanks lookalike one too))

dinner was shredded chicken thanks to the slow-cooker, i also added lemon juice, chicken broth, seared and flavored chicken with s/p, oregano...whole wheat egg noodles, and sauteed mushrooms with parsely. it was ok.

the point i am trying to make is, i dont want to feel mediocre anymore! i want to feel hot! like a goddess! lol...i want to feel like me! mike doesnt even care to listen to me, oh, i did not even tell him anything from my trip. none of my stories, nothing. its just as if, life doesnt matter. that is just how i feel. ho-hums the word...or, vacant, lacking...lackadasical...metamucil...(that bake a salad lady is also in a metamucil commercial)...

i want to feel whimsical, quizzical, juniper trees and twizzlers...scandalous, omnious, vicarious and deliberate! 

ahh, sigh...tsk tsk, i just have no clue...do you? 

yesterday we all went to wildwater kingdom and dorney park. i enjoyed it, but i did not take dromamine, so sage wanted me to go on the tilt-a-whirl with her...ok so at first i was fine, we went on a bunch of water stuff at wildwater, one was a big tube where we all fit on, so as we were going down the slide, it surely felt as if it were going to tip and we were all going to fall out to the concrete below. as it spun a corner, it lifted, (where sage and lisa were), so high, and we could see the opening of the slide revealing the ground below, it was awful!!! we also all went on the mouse trap roller coaster, which felt like it would tip over during every corner...egads!

of course, we went on the talon, hydra, caleb and i went on possessed, other free fall, the dominator, (a free fall), lisa caleb and i went on steel force sage did not want to go but she went on the other ones...after a slush and a bite of ice cream my stomach started to hurt...then sage wanted to go on tilt a whirl, like i said, i started to feel very nauseous! at that point, my headache was imminent. last year when mike and i went, i went with a hangover, (not a good idea!), and threw up after the swings. this year the swings were a rather pleasant, comfortable ride, but yeah, i felt sick later and it started to rain anyways. caleb and i went on the water ride, splash mountain probably, and got soaked then stood on the bridge. i was cold, wet, and nauseous by the time the day ended we all left...but im glad i went! 

today what did i do? nothing really, cept wallow in how big of a loser i feel like! discovery channel is doing a show, i talked to the producer of that. she is going to call me again tomorrow. 

so yeah, :/