HEYZZZ!!

Ok i really really really need to figure something out, because THIS is not working! whats not working!? well, NOT WORKING for one! i keep telling moss, "i need to get a job!" i have to wait for filming, which i do want to do, because hey why not!?? at the same time tho, i need to start saving money. this morning i woke up when mike did, and as i sat there, i started thinking. well actually i went into the living room, which is much cooler due to windows being open, which omits a nice morning breeze, which i love! so i went back in the bedroom, i was like, ughh..i hate that room. its so dark and stuffy, there are no windows directly to the outside. it sucks. i had my own room in bethlehem which was nice. i want my own bedroom! for my clothes, beauty products, you know, posters...stuff like that. and i used to like sleeping there because i would feel the cool gentle breeze in the AM. well, i started feeling kind of like, what am i doing with my life? you know? as much as i felt lost on the west coast, i kinda feel like i should go back there, but the longer i stay here in easton pa, the farther it seems like those dreams will be. what dreams tho? i just want to get into the entertainment industry somehow. why? im creative? curious....i want to try!??? but uh....hmm.....i just feel like my life is pointless. im out here and i dont even work. this sucks! i want to do things with my life. i need friends too. everyone does. i asked mike, "when was the last real moment we had together?" and he seemed to take offense and start putting me down, making me feel like a bad person. he always reminds me that im a liar this and that and quite frankly it gets old and annoying. who wants to hear that shit all the time? you know?? plus, i just feel like no one is rooting for me. i feel alone. mike and i do not really have real moments or share real conversations. when i say this, well, past relationships, like glenn or whoever, i mean...i dont give a shit about past relationships tbh and i dont care about ex-boyfriends anymore! i dont give them much thought and i havent had alot but you know what i mean, we were able to hold conversations that were equal, us talking to each other in an equal, respectful manner, as adults AND AS friends! mike and i dont really have that....our relationship is this, ok and im not complaining i love mike, we know each other well, but he works alot and i dont. SUCKS! i want to work i truly fucking do this is insane doing absolutely fucking nothing with my life fucknuts! HAHA anyways...id take a job as a cashier in a grocery store. whatever!? there is a job, 3rd shift tho i dont care i would work overnight for the time being. like i said, i want to get a MAC and set up the office as a workspace where i can really start writing not fucking around on the laptop...i love fuckery flying fucknuggets fishsticks lispy....

NEXT TUESDAY! SHIT! datz when the scene is so GREAT SCOTT anyways...good so then i can start working!!! well...thats good i suppose but moss wants money for gas etc...i dont really have that, but whatever fucking A!

ehhh.....so yes mike works, i stay home. he comes home, tired. we eat, we tease each other, he goes to sleep. wknds is a hit or miss, fight or not but living with each other that tends to happen! im just...at the point i am feeling very you know....i cant think of the word...restless! i was thinking reckless. i need to start figuring things out for damn sure and after this i cant just have all these things going on...i need to work, save up money, then figure out what is best for me! sure i definately do want to go to see when ron tapes for conan, uh-oh, uh...since i just wrote about, yeah, that is going to end up NOT happening, just my luck. 

ok well thats all folks
oh yeah forgot to mention, i went to michaels yesterday got some art supplies and i went to target saw my mom as i was walking out of the bathroom haha! got some shirts i think im going to go to the mall again i need more clothes. i dont really have alot of clothes to wear. what else....oh so i went to shannans watched reefer madness and painted haha