hi

so, real quick...i am concerned about lisa because her ex, dean, has been sniffing around, msging me on fb etc trying to get info or trying to have me pass msgs to lisa. i'm like, "she is GETTING. MARRIED. ok?"

he's like, "i love her and she is the only one i will ever love. i want to marry her and have her kids"

sounds psycho to me! lisa at one point DID want to get married to him, have kids etc, but he never wanted too. lisa met matt and started cheating on dean with matt. end of story. she lives with matt, she is engaged to matt, she loves his kids!

dean needs help if he still thinks he has a chance with her! get over it dean seek help! therapy! its not healthy OR normal to be so stuck on someone. i think what it is is it was so sudden. lisa and dean would break up so many times but get back together. break up and get back together, until finally lisa did NOT get back with dean. this hit him hard. how could this be? they were together all the time, through all the fun times, laughs, fights and farts!?? they loved each other so much that lisa cheated on him! ughh whatever!??!

but now dean is bugging me, texting me telling me he still loves her!!?? i just told him, "maybe the reason why you are stuck on her is because it hit you hard and you were not prepared for it. maybe it has to do with something you are not able to deal with within yourself' (i was trying to play psychologist, also another friend was telling me about a private boarding school too. i am interested in psychology..

anyways, dean is scaring me because he knows lisa is getting married and i know he knows its coming up soon too. he reminds me of one of those stalker types that might end up snapping tho. he sent me screencaps of texts lisa sent him, but tbh, it looks like its all just HIS texts!??! actually i just looked back and read them, it was LAST year not a few months ago! sept 2011..

clearly lisa was drinking and she was remembering love she once had for him, but things change! its not healthy to be so distraught about breaking up with someone!!!

its borderline psychotic! i mean, i know how it is to love someone, (actually, i forget any past relationships, i mean, i have been in serious ones, but not like, to the point where i am heartbroken and cant function without them! i've moved on, as im sure they have too)

i wouldn't date a guy who got that way about me anyways its kind of weird...and scary!!??! you know? plus im me and no guy would get that way about me anyways! im not worth it! ha

i love mike and we go through our issues and ordeals. he is in my life still but there will be a point where either i move back in or he is just not in my life anymore. if i ever want to get married and have kids, well, i do want that, but it will be impossible too unless mike wants to get married but will i be happy? will i truly be happy? and i am sick of hearing moss say to me, "sure be with a guy who is physically and emotionally abusive" i hate when he says that because moss does not understand! he thinks im a weakling making excuses for abuses and beer battered onion rings. Mike wants to be with me but he needs me to get a job and so do I!! I need a JOB! i cant do this any longer THIS which is freaking nothing but being a fucking loser on the damn internet all day! i cant wait for lisas cruise ship wedding to be over so i can focus on getting a job, (so i dont get one then tell them i need to take off 10 days)...and i need my car back!!!

my eyes hurt from looking at this screen!!! ughh i need a break! i dont know if i am going to the masonic ball tomorrow in fact i dont know if im going to even bother getting a costume. i really dont have any money anyways. maybe i will get a wig and stuff and wear a dress but i feel fat and ugly.

what else? WHAT ELSE!???! hmph

hmm..i dont know? jimmy always wants to hang out but i dont want to hang out with him. im not on the same level with him, hard to have conversations with him then he gets drunk and starts hitting on me which is really annoying! IM BORED!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to get out of here!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

and im happy moss is in my life BUTTTT he is NOT the man i will marry! LOL!!! im sorry but i cant even attempt to picture that! lol! srzly tho...no!

i do miss california i need i need...i need to figure something out!! HELP ME!!!!

so yes i have a few options for this saturday too. im gonna get a costume, or wig. i want a wig! i want to wig out! i want a new look. i want to feel hot! i want to feel sexy! which means I NEED TO DIET AND WORK OUT! im capable of being attractive and well put together. right?

why not? :(

EDIT i need a break from this!

i just heard a loud engine outside parking, (its the dumb neighbors) every night at this time i hear a loud engine, but i just get flashbacks of when glenn used to come over, i would hear that loud engine of his truck and get that nervous excited feeling you know? cuz id be all showered and look good ready to go! (get the heck out of compton that is)....oh his old friend lorin actually msgd me on facebook about going out tonight but he said he was going to msg me at 8 and hasnt gotten back to me its 9 now. ahh i kind of wanted to get out and see someone from the past, chill and what not but its getting late and stuff. i dont want to get out at 11 id rather just...not. tomorrow is friday but i want to go to the witches ball! (i dont think thats going to happen tho. jimmy said he would go with me but my car aint working so now way to get there now)


i might as well drink rat poison and die. my friend came to look at my car too, well, i went to tech with him he was in auto shop. has two girls one is 16. im like, the only one that doesnt have any kids! i have nothing in fact! oh so today i was looking through lisas friends for ppl to invite to her party i added some old ppl from the past like this girl we went to church with. i had to delete my prior post or id look like a loser. i wrote, "my mom made perogies for lunch but i only had 4! still hungry, my dad reheated the spaghetti and cheese steak sandwich. ugh i cant eat like this!" yeah thats what i had for lunch. and for dinner, my mom made me a ham and cheese sandwich! how backwards. oh lorin msgd me back lets see whats up now

hes waiting for a phone call. i dont know if i want to go out. if i had my car id just drive there and hang out then come home. i might just tell him another night. idk? i just want to get a costume tomorrow (if i do that is) sigh life sucks now!! oh i got invited to another party but thats in philly..:/ the gasket goons one is cancelled. also marta invited me to her house too for a small little party as well.riverside is having one too. whatever mike wants to do i guess...shrug!

i wish i was 20 again when things were exciting! now everything just SUCKS! i should of had kids i should have children! wth!??? whats the point of my life?