sunday

actually, its soon to be oct 7. i am feeling pretty depressed. well, i do not feel attractive i guess. i feel no hope. i don't have anything going for me. i don't even have return viewers on this stupid blog! why do i even waste time and effort (not really tho) on this dumb blog? and its offensive! i know! i speak my mind and my mind is just...dumb! im dumb!

im watching the pussycat dolls about nicole scherzinger, ok so they have the 'behind the music' shattered mirror vh1 special, but it doesnt show WHY...HOW...HOW did nicole get into that first band? it talks about her battle of bulimia, but i notice a video with a butterfly landing on her.

bulimia and anorexia is programmed and instilled....they dont talk about her traumatizing when the mother talked about sending her daughter to somewhere (i forget) her eyes started getting real lazy, like she was dissociatting? oh there is a girl i went to school with who looks like nicole scherzinger but more beautiful her name is theresa shes so lovely. she is married and has two kids i think. her husband is in the military and they live in hawaii. i could on had that i guess. now i feel like time is starting to pass quickly. oh yeah, she sang that poison song...ha! hmm...they never show the true story do they? or are we all just crazy? wow now i am craving trix cereal. CEREAL! what!??! i am tho!!!

so, we had the bridal shower saturday was nice. i posted pics on facebook. you know, i want to be with someone that i can actually bring with me to family events. thanks to my complaining about mike all the time on stupid facebook, well, i want mike to be there with me but he never comes. i dont even bother anymore....

he yelled at me for giving him fucked up directions. he came to get me around 9 at whitehouse, (i did not want to be stuck_i wanted to hang out with mike) i thought he would be happy to hang out with me you know? instead he is angry because he couldnt find the house so my dad dropped me off at the rail (where that kitchen renovations place remodeled it)...anyways so...he was driving all slow too. all i would like is for him and i to hang out and to have fun etc enjoy each others company but he just layed on the couch and watched tv. i asked him if we were going to watch youtube videos he said no. he did get a 6 pack but come on, a 6 pack? i want to be with a guy, pick up at least an 18 pack (i can drink like, 9 beers ha) chill, listen to music, talk, joke, have fun, watch youtube videos (that poison on my mind!) ha sorry just heard that...

anyways, yeah drink get a good buzz have drunk sex! i dont know? ugh she always thought she is ugly? nicole sherzinger? she is beautiful i wish i could look like her! ya know?

i do want to look good tho. i need to lose weight. i have been eating terribly. so,  hmm.......oh yeah my uncle said the new pastor needs to reprogram the church, i thought that was weird haha!

lets see....yeah so, it was boring and mike fell asleep. we did watch clerks and he stayed up most of the time, and before that he asked me really belittling type questions, well it made me feel that way.

"what have you done to change yourself lori?" "how many job applications have you put in this week?" "what are you planning on doing" the thing is, maybe i do NOT want to just get a job, live here, and forever have a boring life. i still can give it a try. i dont want this. mike wants me to do better for myself but then i can never try to pursue MY dreams!??! i do need money tho i do need a job you know?

i want to feel happy again, i want to feel inspired. i want to start doing things you know? i want to start living again. i hate this person i am now!

hmm.......