so i bought a fake mophie i am PISSED! i am going to order a new phone! i dont care! this phone is annoying me! you know!? its just..ugh its old anyways. im gonna sell this one online too. FUCK IT!!
today is depressing for me. not only is it a beautiful day outside, well...i am stuck in here. i cant leave. i am being punished. of course i am. its so nice outside but i cannot do or go anywhere. i had a dream i was back in the jail and not only was it a saturday but it was also GI day or whatever they called it. cleaning day. anyways, i have about a week left. next tuesday. i cannot wait!
it is hard to stay inside on the weekends when its so nice outside. i dont know tho, i kind of feel that once i am finally free, im still not going to have anything to do or go. i want to go on motorcycle rides!!! photoshoots! fun places! drive in movies!
so today is depressing too because, i should have a kid you know? this is hard. i was pregnant last year, twice! but i lost them. if that did not happen, i would of had a child today.
i do not want to be a single mother tho. i want to raise a child with someone who will be happy to have a child with me. someone who will be a man and raise his kid. mike has made it clear time and time again that he does not want kids. i will have to break things off with mike. we are not going anywhere. it is hard to tho!??!! i mean, he still comes over. we do not do anything, not like it is anyones business tho so no, i do not have sex with him.
instead of feeling depressed tho, i need to be positive. i do want a child and a family one day, i mean, physically i am still young. i still feel young. i look young. i am going to make a gyno appointment soon to make sure i am good. every woman needs an annual pap smear, and i do not remember the last time i had one. pap smear! that sounds like that guy from nirvana....
what else....yes so, see, if i had a baby, would i be able to go on trips, such as williams st, or new orleans!! or comic con!!! right? i want to travel fully before i have kids. this means...italy! france! tokyo!!! then when i have kids, we will all go to disney land! but then i will be fully responsible for another life. that means, school, baseball games, gymnastics, cheerleading...ugh school. dealing with pta moms...i will have to sort of go through school again through my child! thats ok i will love it!
im going to be 37 this august. OH MY GOD wow!!! i was pregnant at 19 so i would of had a 17 year old, 18..i feel like i am getting too old and i will not be able to have kids soon and you know, thats another 18 years of my life!!! ill be in my 60s once i am free again. but my parents are in their 60s and....ugh they need a grandchild!
i have no idea anymore!??! why is life like this!????????????
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