So, I need to change things up a bit. I am really, well, lonely. Uninspired. Bored..Miki Spies told me about her inspirational videos, but I cannot afford the 88.00 a month subsription, so I just signed up for the free 2 week trial. I got a sense of things however. In order to gain your life back, you need to appreciate. Be positive, eat healthy (or vegan, which I doubt I will not be able to do, simply because it seems rather expensive? Maybe I can try vegan 2-3 days a week, and see how it works. I do not really eat dairy or cheese or eggs anyways. I do want to eat healthier, for sure. I want to start working out again too. I want to focus on my artisic side, creativity. I want to paint, write, sketch, draw, make little animations. I want to be creative again! I also want to do things for my appearance. Why not? A new hairstyle, hair color. Tattoos of course. Some new clothes?
There is also a few other things on my mind. Well, a bunch. Working on weekends, all the time. I can't do this anymore. I am really over it, in fact. I am happiest when I have a routine and schedule. Even working from 9-6 is very tiring. By the time I come home, my body just wants a nap, but I am also hungry too. I would like to cook a good home cooked meal, but it takes energy. It is not the same as coming home around 4. I really want to start working out again. I want to feel good about myself. I want to look good.
I was thinking about jobs, ideal jobs for myself.
When I was 19 or 20, I used to consider getting into CBL truck driving. I seemed to think, being on the road, alone, would be a fun job. You get to pull into truck stops for a meal, perhaps sleep in the bed of the truck if you are overnighting it. You just drive, drive on the free road. Ahh, the truckers life. Something about that is appealing to me.
I am really a loner. I have always been this way. I have never been the time to loud mouth it up with fellow classmates, co-workers, and the like. I have been very quiet all my life, pretty much. I would love to have a job where I just work by myself. At work, I never sit with anyone, I prefer to sit on my own, and read. Really. I mean, other jobs, yes, I sat with friends during lunch break. Not often tho. Usually, I just do not know how to hyuck it up with fellow workers. Especially at Walmart. Sure, I talk to them. I know them all, they know me. I just don't scream down the hall, "Hey, what's up Maureen?" I don't really do things that way, so yes, I am more of a loner. I don't really get into workmanship semantics.
I have often fantasized about being an overnight security guard. Yes, I know I did say working daytime hours would be ideal, but, there is something about being the lone security guard at an empty warehouse that is very interesting to me. I remember, as a little girl, we used to visit Grandpa Brown. He was a security guard at Yale. We would go and visit. It was just him. The warehouse was empty. It was really kind of creepy. He had his little office, but he would take us on a tour of the empty building at night. He would drive us on the forklift thing. Let me tell you something, it was dark, and creepy! Let me set the scene:
Sleepy, heavily heated summer night. Sound of crickets. Lit up parking lot. Summer breeze. The factory smelled a certain way. A warehouse/factory way. The warehouse, like all warehouses, light up with those censor lights. When he would drive us, I felt safe, but we saw the darkness, which would light up as we approached. It was so big and empty, and felt really creepy! Then, we would go to the breakroom in the middle of the warehouse. The breakroom had a soda machine, vending machines, and an ice cream machine. You could smell the heat coming off the ice cream machine from behind it not the inside lol. I remember that smell. There was also one of those coffee machines, we would get hot chocolate. Grandpa was always so fun. I miss him.
I always thought about being a security guard. Working alone, walking down empty halls with a flashlight. I saw some Stephen King movie about the overnight shift. Factory workers and there was some kind of werewolf. I don't recall.
I am thinking about going back to school. I want to go to school to be a nurse, or a teacher. I am serious now. I need a career. Why worry about finding a rich man witth a stable career? I have thought about it, sure. I can get it on my own! I would love to be a teacher! I know it takes a lot of schooling, but hey! Art teacher! Oh man, life is so short. I want to enjoy life.
Some people just struggle to survive. Living paycheck to paycheck. Never getting to experience travel. I want to travel so much! I can't do that, if this is what I am doing.
I think about getting married. Should I just, get married to Mike? I have talked about that before, tonight in fact. He thinks we should move in to see how we work. No, Mike, we did try that. We did live together. We already KNOW how it works!! Ok?
I need to give Mike an ultimatum. I am trying to get married. Have a family. He is not trying to do that, I have told him this. I also do not want to date. I want to live with someone. I want a family. I am sick of being alone. Everyone else I know has had a wedding. Don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve to be a beautiful bride? Blushing, at that? Blushing bride, lol.
I mean...people say, 'marriage isn't for everyone'...OH SHUT UP! I want that! I want to cook meals. I want someone to share life with.
I have thought a few things..I don't feel like writing about it. Well, my friend Jay, who is really fun, he is always open to doing things I suggest. Going out to eat at fun restaurants. He is very nice and polite and fun. We get along well.
He is a teacher, actually, he taught there when I went to Tech. Chemisty in fact. I never had his class tho. its hard to get into teaching now, i heard. that is the perfect career.
good hours. lots of holidays! good salary. summers off!
and with him, he would want to travel. we could just go to all the places on my list! and he has a house. A house on the hill in town. Not a country house tho. I want to live in a country home! Farmhouse!
i just..i dont want to suggest that. its just things i think about. when you get older, looks doesnt matter as much. plus i always have a lot of fun with jay. we get along well, and he is a writer with alot of published science fiction.
the thing is, im really not attracted to him in that way. like, i would want to be with someone i can just 'jump on top' when i feel like .
like, 'jump on top!" like, i miss feeling sexy, and i want to be with someone that i want to turn on, and that i know i turn them on. i havent felt like that with mike either. i mean, i miss it. its not like im not attractive anymore. i can still look damn good!??
with jay tho, i couldnt imagine getting like that. ya know? eeh. i like mikes body. i like a nice broad shoulder to squeeze.
IM JUST GETTING SO LONELY! my mind is a wandering mind, my soul is. i get sick of things easily. jobs, homes. i like to move, check out new spots. I want to move out of here in fact. im just sick of living here. i want new atmosphere, environment.
i wish i had more friends. why not? why do we think 'when we get older, we cant have friends anymore?" most ppl do have kids and family and so their think is, 'i have kids to worry about. not friends"
WELL FUCK YOU Than! i DONT have kids! i can still enjoy life!
I don't know, but I need something to happen. And moss needs to STOP! i really do not need him in my life. he is not part of my plan. not sure why he grappled on to me for so long.
he says he will get me a customized cowboy hat if i decide to go to acms in april. tempting, very tempting! so is the harley ride with country stars in vegas desert. YES! VERY TEMPTING!!! INDEED!
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