monday

hey there. the counselors at the meetings are good. i feel envious of them, they have great jobs, they are involved with the community, have families. you know, i dont know...:/

first of all, i dont need to drink. i would like to stop. eh, just..you know, its stupid. id rather focus on positivity. being healthy. projects. writing.

i can stop feeling sorry for myself i can stop getting all upset with my life. i mean, i can just stop.

like the counselor today said, we will get over this. sure, its a shitty thing to go through, but hey i have to do what i have too. just because they know of me, doesnt mean they will cut me any slack. and basically having a lawyer, well, doesnt mean much. i mean, come on! get me out of this!!!

i was worried about probation, because the one guy said it would be 5 years. well, i dont think so. i was worried about it, but she said that...it aint gonna be like that. we just need to do what we have too, but i dont think it will be as bad as some ppl say. as long as we work with them, you know. but i will NEVER, EVER! DRINK AND DRIVE! i want to take pride in myself, who i am. i want to be respected! drinking takes that from me. i dont know why i waste my time. i mean, it is nice to have some wine as dusk time, in the safety of a home, but going out and drinking like a college kid, nah..aint my thing anymore.

i want to do alot. write!

oh we have a great idea for the yummification!! im not telling tho!

but i feel good about this!! (even the songs on pandora were reassuring us!) oh yeah!

the songs were sort of talking to us, much like the transformers communicate via radio songs to the guy...(shia labuef, who is now coo coo!)

hmm, it was weird, at the meeting, but good too.

well, one guy said he had gotten POISON ivy..right? oh so...i hung out with jay we were watching YT stuff, and well, we were watching buffalo bill clips...from silence of the lambs...


one guy was wearing a cowboys hat. the teacher didnt like that. someone asked her if she was an eagles fan. (i assumed that is how it is since mike has that tattoo), she says no...'giants?' no, she says shes a BUFFALO BILLS fan...

he said when he was driving he had to close ONE EYE (the POPEYE) EYE, ALL SEEING EYE...

she also said, 'BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING' she said, what happens when BIG BROTHER stops watching. who are you?

idk, but you know, i need to start focusing on career, starting a family. being PROUD OF MYSELF, OF WHO I AM! not sad, ashamed, scared, lost, paranoid, mad, angry, lost and alone.

i need to be DETERMINED, POSITIVE, I NEED TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN!!! ME!! I CAN! I CAN DO THIS!!

i can and i will!!!!

why am i doing a 2nd dui? i got caught! i know! ive did it before, plenty of times..(not often the past few years,) but yeah....i mean....i was driving to northampton to see that guy that i really liked at the time. blah. hes a cop now. idk...heh

anyways, sigh..what can you do??