distractions

So I attempted to clean up my room, to make room for the new edition next week, mama's bringing a new edition. PS4...plus grand theft auto 5 and another game, part of a bundle game stop is doing. idk, what else do i have to do with my life? i need a better job tho! THIS ONE SUCKS TOO! im not getting payed shit! i would figure something out, but why bother if i am going to lose my license! i feel like a worthless POS anymore. i sleep, i wake up. i wait for the next day of a pointless day at work. i eat terribly. 

i blog about everything without any sense of keeping privacy but what does it even matter?

i want a nice haircut. i want nice things. but it will never happen!!!

so what do i do? give up? gain more and more weight? just, give up to become the ultimate slob!??! the epitamy at living in my parents basement at age 40!??!

fall into a trap of utter depression!? oh my gosh i just do that shit! i fucking cant!! i always have a plan. 

so, today i had taken all the summer stuff and moved it to the winter dresser and then attempted to disperse of clothes i no longer wear nor will wear and put in the summer clothes (for next summer)...i put my winter clothes in the other dresser, and hung up a bunch of clothes. i attempted to put on jeans, but that does not work.

i cant even pull them past my hips without them, then when i do, my stomach fat spills out and it is so uncomfortable and tight. i have a lot of loose pants now. i used to wear jeans everyday. now i never do. just to tight. my belly is all fat. its so nasty. i feel nasty.

i want to buy healthy food. i attempted to make a sandwich, but i just do not get this kitchen!??! i just dont understand it! i am grateful that my parents let me stay here i am, but i cannot focus! i do not feel focused! all i do is wake up, sit on couch, blah blah go upstairs, go to sleep, sometimes go to work. i feel GROSS!!!

i hate this i cant breathe! im going to hyperventilate! i have to get out of here!!!

i dont want homemade mac n cheese! i want to go to the gym. i need to banish the bloat! i need to get rid of this belly fat! i know how to do it! 

so i tried to put on jeans. i cant!! i am so out of shape. um what did i want to blog about? i got so distracted!!!???

so i work tomorrow noon to 5 and jay and i are probably going to go out to eat somewhere. tha cool and all. i need it. i have just been depressed a mutter for a while.

i did feel better cleaning up my room. i was sitting at home and my parents came home and i started to hyperventilate....later a synch happened (my mom just said, 'it just happened?) i didnt say that out loud...she was talking bout the tv...but the synch was i came home and i heard fox news talking bout a protester saying 'i cant breathe' AS I READ a tattoo miley cyrus has that says 'just breathe'

anyways.....so i decided to go for  a drive.

i just needed to 'breathe'

well i feel so bipolar. when i am home by myself or just hanging out i go into this very depressive mode...but then i get into my car, my only place of solace really. i like to just zone out and get lost in my  thoughts, listen to music, sing along..and then i feel all full of energy like my car can just take me places.

its going to be really depressing for me when that priveledge is taken away from me. it will be during those times i intend to write about alchohlism or dealing with DUIs but my arms get tired from typing. the keypad is so far back.

but when i get in my car i feel alive and full of energy! its like im bipolar!???

im just so drained from lack of mental and physical stimulation and probably even sexual tmi who knows tho

anyways...........

um.........i feel like there is more i wanted to write but now i got distracted....

i am distracted so im going to make my next blogs!!! bye