its cold

hi. i dont know why i am blogging about this, maybe well......i dont know!?? my parents went to bed. i need to go to sleep too, but....so you know, i know my levels are out of whack. i have been tired, cold, cant fall asleep but then i sleep forever, depressed, weight gain, depression, hair loss (not now tho i havent been experiencing this), no energy etc...so i finally had my bloodwork taken yesterday. today i had work and i saw a number called and left a message. so i listened and it is the dr she said the lab results came back and to call her back asap she needs to send me to the hospital!??! i was at work and on my break, so when i called back the clinic was closed. i felt white hot scared and my heart started beating so fast. 'what does this mean?' i could feel anxiety kicking in. my break was over so i tried to gather my composure but how could i? i know i looked pale as heck too, i literally felt like i looked like i had seen a ghost. 

i was thinking, does it say i have hiv or aids or something? i mean, what the fuck are you supposed to think when you hear that shit?
when i went back to work, there were so many customers and i could not  focus and that on top of my paranoia, it was just so awful. i was worried that i would faint right there!??!

then the manager needed me to scan some sweators and to transfer the ones that scanned up to 24.99 to the other part, i had txtd my mom about the message, and my dad was worried so he came into my job and he was like, lori whats wrong? there was the other co-worker there and i was trying to get the scanner to work. i told my dad to wait, and he always takes pictures of me on his cheap cell phone when i am at work and the phone makes a cheapy loud camera noise....i dont know why he does that!?? but i was like, 'im ok im going to stay at work. i feel weird ' he wasnt helping he was making it  worse! and i sat down on the floor to scan the sweators at the bottom of the shelf and my dad said ok ok and left, and all of a sudden this big guy was looking down at me and asked me how much the sweator was!??!

what the fuck!?? i said 24.99. ughh so later i saw kristen and i said i have to take off tomorrow but she looked distracted she said i will have to find someone to take my place...i was like, 'ok'...i went back to the register and i saw the security officer there. they were both looking around. someone must of been trying to steal.

eventually i managed to calm down, (i maintained a professional mannerism on the outside however inside i was so shaken up and scared!??!)

during my lunch break, i went to get a pretzel and i had sat down. oh yeah earlier kristen said those missing hours should show up on my next check. so i sat down, and some weird guy sat down and he made these weird noises, like gross phlemy mucusy noises and loudly clearing his throat it sounded like he was mumbling i was like, gross. i looked behind me where he was sitting thinking he was with someone he was just by himself. ughh why did he have to sit by me and make those noises? i was just disgusted. i wanted to be by myself and call my mom. some other kid was sat down on another bench and started talking really loudly on his cell phone. dude what the fuck!? if i was trying to be a paranoid "T.I' then..that would upset me but i dont let shit like that upset it to that extreme but yes it does annoy me!? people are annoying! 

i looked at the lab paperwork and i saw the tests that she ordered. i saw that hiv was NOT on the list!?! wtf you know!?? geez!! i mean, a few years ago my blood levels were so out of whack, but i was paranoid as heck, i know i was drugged too. i was convinced the hospital was in on it. i wrote about it...somewhere. on my myspace blog damnet!! I better be able to find it!? why did myspace do that? i ended up going to the fucking hospital the ER...freaking out! i had to get a blood transfusion. i did not sleep for 2 and a half or 3 days. i was given some kind of drug...i know i was!?? 

oh my gosh!??! i better go to sleep tho. its 2 am and i work tomorrow and.........and.........i cant think!??! i have to call that dr back!??! i have been googling the different tests she wanted me to take...i mean, i dont know!?? i dont understand them. the one is for thryoid tho...i also googled about hiv tests (cuz seriously, that shit scares me the way she said it) turns out they cannot order one unless the patient agrees and signs for it, which i did not do! its not that i am afraid i have it, but what the fuck is someone supposed to think when they hear a message like that? i was like, 'what does this mean? am i dying!???!'

i mean, i feel fine, albeit from all those symptoms i mentioned about. do i need to get another blood transfusion? do i need to check back into the hospital? i work every damn day.

anyways.......um.......i also googled miscarriage and hypothryoidism and it said that it can affect pregnancy. http://hypothyroidmom.com/have-you-suffered-a-miscarriage-your-thyroid-could-be-to-blame/

i am going to google hypothryoidism and life threatening ailments or heart disease or what else can occur if you do not take care of your thyroid. i mean, how life threatening can it be?

stroke? heart attack? i feel fine now? tired. cold...worried...PARANOID i guess...can hypothryoidism cause paranoia? who knows?!?? 

i feel like i need to take my makeup off but i dont want too and its cold here. no heat its cold and i turn on the fan to help me sleep


oh yeah my dad told me when i came home he was so worried about me but after i told him i was fine he went to the church him and my uncle were supposed to go too (idk?) to sing i guess. 

it was a church a black people church (i dont know how else to explain it) it was actually the church my aunt deanna goes too. he told me that on the way there a song popped into his head...a very old song.(i forget?)



a hymn or something.......i was like, 'ok.im listening..??' so he got to the church and the song they start singing is that song!?! and he felt like it was a sign it was called ,'trust in the Lord' (ha at first i wrote Lori) um.......but then he said a little girl tapped him on the arm to get his attention and she said to my dad, 'i can sing twinkle twinkle little star' and that reminded me of when i sang that song for my grandmother, who is in Heaven now, my dads mother, Elba Perez. i also remember singing silent night too.

so i dont know, they said it was a sign.

ok im going to sleep