6/6/12

Im sitting here with a little small knot welling up in my throat, a feeling that can be eased with tearing up, crying. not blathering like a fool, just crying. crying for the hurt i feel and the hurt i cause, crying about realizing a new chapter will be invigorated. crying because im afraid to conjure through this blind fog. crying because what i am so used too will soon be a past quilt of memories. i understand that the trust i have instilled upon the man i have been living with for the past three years has been broken. i wonder why i just did not hesitate to go out, did not hesitate to lie to him. he was happy to say, 'go out, have fun with your friend'. i lied to him, telling him i was going out with seamarina. i didn't think much of it either, i was thinking more or less, that i WANTED to go out, i WANTED to hang out with someone i had an attraction too, to enjoy myself for a change. i can play a game of make-believe, play house, play 'stepford wife' so to speak...(what he says he wants me to be to redeem myself, and i hugged him when he let me for a long time, to keep his close...because i was not quite sure how long i will have him next to me!!!) at the same time....
but do i want too? i do not think it is fair to become more and more irritated at him, to realize that he does not care about my dreams or goals, nor will he ever. yes he loves me. i love him! he wants me to get a job, he wants us too....to what? be happy? yes, i mean, of course, happy, but then what? we have talked about going to new orleans, and he would go with me, but we have never 'had a slumber party in my basement'...MEANING!!!! hang out! just talk with each other. have some drinks. learn about each other! laugh! have good sex! ya know??

he took the top mattress downstairs tonight. first he asked me, in that tone i hate, to turn the tv off after my show, (conan), so i sighed around and he kicked the couch. i got upset. well, there was a good layed back song playing but he was getting me nervous, stomping around in the kitchen etc. i didnt want to get yelled at again. well, he took the sheets off the bed than took the mattress downstairs. so, i need to sleep next to him! i cant sleep in the bed by myself! i need to sleep next to him, despite his loud snoring! i feel lost and alone if i dont sleep next to him, so i went downstairs and he said to me he will not pay for the things he broke, (the LED light and the butterfly thing) because i broke his heart.

we have got into fights before, but then, it goes back to normal. well maybe its time to realize, its never going to change. we are different. i like to have slumber parties, he gets tired. he doesn't think going out is the most important thing, and to me thats all i got, (for now)...

and all the furniture, what about all the furniture? all my stuff? marble? he says marble can come with me. where? to my parents house? where beauty and ming ming are?? and will i ever see mike again? its hard it is SO hard especially when you live with someone. when you sleep next to someone you love, someone whos body you are used too. despite what moss thinks, we have had tender moments. we have had good times. i have been there for him. but yes he has called me names, but....i must frustrate him. i feel that knot welling up and my eyes tearing up.

mike will be ok on his own. he will. he is better off w/out me, im lazy, liar, bitch.cunt etc! im sorry i want to speak of him with respect and no hate. dont you understand this is hard for me!!?????!?!?! but at the same time, its like a loose tooth, its scary to pull out, but you need too! (for kids that is)                     
also, his sister heidi likes to text me, in fact, she texted me today inquiring about mike and i. she offered her advice, to let him cool off, she asked me if we are going to stay together. she said i am the only girl he has brought around his family and to meet his sister, she likes me and thinks i am a good person!!????! that itself bring tears welling to my eyes, or maybe im too damn sensitive or something!??? ughhhh