tUeSdAy

i need to stop being a WEIRDO and figure out what i need to do for myself. i mean, i feel so hopeless really. I don't even know, ok my things are ruined. I can understand the hurt he must of felt tho, WHEN I WASN'T EVEN HOME you know? i would be mad as hell if he did that to me. of course, if he did that, he would plain lie to me then get mad at me for questioning him, right? isn't that what guys do? they switch it around and get mad at you when you go to the club late at night, no call, (someone just said that on jerry springer HA) oh boy! see, i love mike. we have been 2gether for almost 3 years. i mean, we do care about each other. whenever i try to tell moss he shows me old blogs i made about mike ...see, i dont think what i did was fair, its not. and i dont want to continue thinking, what should i do? see, i live here. i have THINGS here, we have marble. you know? this is really tough for me!??? and when he does say he wants me out, i get all upset and start crying. it feels like i cant live then, without him...if he kicks me out. it feels like i cant think or live. i mean, sigh! and the potted plant is broken, and my led dragonfly solar light is, and my butterfly wind chime thing...tsk. i would be highly upset if he never came home. why does he keep me around? i dont know!??? i feel very depressed right now. also, i need a job. i just feel like all i do is look for stupid jobs here and there, and i have trouble finding one, (where i have the wknd off mind you!) i dont want to work on the weekends. yes i do like to go out and have a good time. i do like to get in the shower, do my hair and makeup, spritz on perfume, and go out and have fun! i dont have kids yet. soon, i do want too. mike doesnt like to go out. i mean, im not going to say we dont do anything. he wants to do things with me, that doesnt involve drinking. ok, well, thats fine. i dont even eat really. i havent went grocery shopping and i just eat whatever. yesterday i had one pancake then mike brought home those nacho cheese burritos from taco bell. today i didnt eat. i'll have soup i guess, no crackers. whats for dinner? oh yeah, spaghetti for my dads bday. i need to get him a card. im dropping off an application at weiss. i just feel SO DAMN DEPRESSED!???????/ and that cigarette did not help me. cigs always make me feel worse! i should stop drinking tho, because i feel so depressed the next day too, sometimes it doesn't wear off either. hmm....whatever!???