need to diet

so, yesterday, i was so hungry. my mom needs to go on a very strict diet. she has radiation treatment coming up, so that means that she cannot eat any sort of salt or iodine or seafood or else the treatment may as well not work. she has to be very careful about what she eats for the next two weeks, and she hasn't been! i have said numerous times how hard it is to try to prepare healthy meals around here. first of all, the kitchen is a mess! the fridge is not clean (i should clean it out), it is full of leftovers and old juices and all kinds of junk. i am going to clean it out. my mom puts garlic and avocado in the fridge, which you do not need to do! i know what kind of food to eat, for myself tho!? sage has expressed interest

(BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS! KYLIE AND KENDALL JENNER TO HOST THE MUCH MUSIC AWARDS!!! TMZ just showed the promo to the upcoming Much Music awards awards show, and Kylie is STABBED WITH BLOOD, (symbolism), Kendall (says she cannot read, one of her alters cant read, i bet another one is some sort of super smart delta warrioress who can read 7 different languages, including Hebrew and Persian Pharcye) like Pharrell...(lose yourself to dance! now i want to hear that song!!!) anyways...at the end of the promo, they lift up a plate and a dead rat was on it...(poisoned rat? jk!!) and kylie does the shh sign and they laugh. so what? they ate a dead rat? shh don't tell!

sage has expressed interest in vegetarian. so, i want to eat healthy, but i will still eat chicken and tuna, and salmon and shrimp. well, my mom cannot eat fish, and sage is trying vegeatarian, so this will be more difficult for me!!??! and we can't really flavor the food, except with olive oil and some garilc...no soy sauce or any sort of seasonings (they have salt in it), she can use kosher salt tho.

well, last night, after we dropped sage off, my dad suggested burger king, and i was hungry. i told my mom she should order the grilled chicken salad, but she didn't...I personally HATE burger king!!! All the food tastes the same! all the food is poison! i ordered chicken nuggets and fries, and after that, i had felt so bloated! the salt bloats! i have already gained a bunch of weight, i mean, last year I really worked hard to lose 30 pounds and get in shape! True story! i was up to 155 lbs, and i got down to 125 lbs!, which I used to weigh 10 years ago, when I was 25 years old. Since October, I gained back 15 lbs, (I now weigh 144)...almost 20 lbs. UGHHHH!!! Yeah, because I eat CRAP FOOD!!! and i dont work out anymore!!??! Last night my belly bloated out like I am pregnant, and this morning, after having a DREAM....

my dream was, I was in california. I had a car out there. I was hanging out with Mallory. We had some beers, (Coors Lite), but I had a flight to catch. But the beer turned into baby formula!???! And the flight turned into a gun rally. And I turned into a female cop? Yeah, but they didn't question me, because it was obvious I turned into a cop!??! But then, I turned back into me, and I drove back to get the rest of my 12 pack, and go back to the gun rally or whatever it was...pro guns! ( i am AGAINST gun control, unlike some people, who think we should willingly give up our rights as 'american citizens' and allow them to take our guns, leaving us subserviant little lemmings....um, a gun will not magically turn us into MK'd puppets who go around on shooting sprees!) I picked up my beer, after DRIVING TO A GUN RALLY!???! WHICH EVERYONE WAS IN LINE, AND IT WAS THE MORNING TIME!?? why was i even trying to drink more beer in the morning time!???! it didn't feel right, so i grabbed the beer and got back into my car and drove back....and the last thing i seen was a store , (in california), that the sign said 'WARREN LANES' (it was a bar)...

so i woke up, it was 11:30 (i have been sleeping late. all i have going for me are my dreams anymore! i just feel so depressed....i don't even take showers! i did just take one tho, and i feel good, except for my big belly)

so i came downstairs, and my dad said there is sausage, so he made me breakfast of fatty scrambled eggs, (i add hot sauce and ketchup lots of salt and pepper), when i make scrambled eggs i usually use one egg yolk the rest whites, or i used to make egg white omelettes with veggies, with some rye bread. this was a fatty breakfast!! i appreciate my dad making me breakfast, (also had the sausage and rye toast with lots of butter!!) and a fruity sugary drink...and now, i got the belly bloats again, along with a salt fueled depression. salt bloats you up! i mean, i need iodine, so for me, a bit of iodized salt actually IS good, but i know my mom cannot have it. speaking of which, i should call dr and make appt. i want to buy a bike, to go bike riding. i need a bike! i mean a job!!! if i cant take motorycle rides, i might as well go bike riding! you know whats kind of funny, last summer, when i was fit and thinner, i didn't even wear a bikini!! now, what if i want to go swimming!???! personally, i do not see how anyone feels comfortable with a big belly all flopping around. it literally feels morbidly disgusting! if i was pregnant, i would be happy and proud, but i am not! its just a big, BLOATED belly sticking out, and it feels nasty!!! how could those guys with big ol' beer bellies feel GOOD with that all hanging out? and i am not talking about mothers who just gave birth who still have leftover skin, im talking about people who have the bloat! it just feels awful!!! i like the feeling of a nice, taut, tight tummy! not that of a salt and beer fueled bloat!!!

so today i am going to go to the grocery store with my mom so that we can buy some good, healthful foods! and i am going to start walking again. i am starting to heal up, i think? i am supposed to take it easy for a while and i think i am starting to get better. i dont want to drink either, even tho someone i know wanted to go out last night and i said tonight, but i really do not want to go out tonight.

why is everyone making a big deal about rihannas see through swarovski crystals dress? ANAL!! (eww! it just reminds me of when i posted about gold plated facials and/or blood facials ala kim kardashian, and moss for some reason posted an annoying SNL skit about 'swaroski crystals' and they went, 'ANAL" for some reason??? i was like, mos what does that have to do with what i was posting about!??! he said the diamond facial reminded him of that skit..?um OK>?? so maybe, rihanna (she was dressed quite revealing but we have all seen it before! right? on her instagrams!?? who cares?) maybe she was in a beta alter later that night which had anal ending in a 'facial'? wow i am such a pervert....im sorry!!???! i should really make a new blog seriously!!! smh! OH MY GOD OMG I GET IT NOW! I GET IT! CHRIS KATTAN WAS AT THAT SAME PARTY, THE FASHION PARTY, DRESSED UP AS HIS OLD SNL dressed up as HIS OLD SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CHARACTER, MANGO! LIKE I SAID, SNAL I MEAN...SNL HAD THAT SWARWOSKI ANAL SKIT! Ha! i made the connection!!! should i find pics of rihanna and mango (nah! its on tmz tho! also, go to youtube and just type in swarwoski crystals SNL) it shoulld come up HA!!! ANAL!!! oh goodness *rolls eyes*

i need to take a walk! its nice out and i feel fresh and refreshed! entertainment tonight is on..anissa wire (slender man telepathically mind controls to kill children)

oh this shampoo and conditioner smells so good!!! its like a tea tree shampoo and conditioner

I NEED A FREAKING JOB! im wondering about calling express about a job...but i think 2nd shift will work for me!??! :/ hmm............

actually, i would prefer 10-6......ahh whatever! i dont mind a 7-330 either, but that job express offered me...6:15-430???! (and it was in bethlehem pa!?) i would of had to of been waking up at 5 am, maybe even earlier? i would need a half hour at least to get ready, and it would of taken be probably half hour to 45 minutes to get there...and it is more than 10 hours!?? i would of been making good money (9.00 hour with OT even tho on the phone they said 10.00 hr!??) i would of been exhausted....its too much for my body....i am so tired and wiped out and depressed. maybe if it was overnight i could do it!??

so............i need to make a drs appt asap! and start eating healthy again, getting sunshine, being active, get a job...start taking care of business. if i have a job, they say i can go from work to jail (if i have to go to jail) damn tho, this belly is making me very depressed!!! i feel like shit! i dont want to drink either because i know how depressed drinking makes me feel the next day, for days after!!!


im gonna go for a walk! its gorgeous outside!? or maybe go outside and read some magazines??? who fucking knows? i want more tattoos!!!