tuesday

i never seem to have the proper attire to wear, whether it be for court, church, cooler days, and freaking hot days! despite going to the mall, and buying tons of muscle shirts, what kind of pants to i have to wear? with my ballooning weight, i absolutely have no clue as to what kind of pants to obtain? should i stick to my rule of thumb, which is comfy, comfy, COMFY!? i mean, if i am around the house, i want to be cool, comfy, and casual! i don't want to walk around in cutesy cut-offs, i just want to keep cool and comfortable. after i eat a terribly bloating meal, i can feel my belly expanding, and if i wear muffin top inducing shorts or jeans, i always have to unbutton the buttons to let my waistline expand and not feel completely squeezed in.

this house is very messy, and cluttered. often times, it is hard to find the orange juice which was there a day ago, which seems to find a nice hiding place behind the 4 or 5 half gallons and caraffes of milk we have in the fridge. we also seem to have 4 or 5 blocks of cream cheese, although no bagels? (actually we have a bunch of new bagels now), but the fridge is such a confusing, mish-mosh of leftovers, milk, eggs, and cream cheese...we also have soda.

oh my gosh! it is now super hot! which is fine!! i just...well, i need to go to mikes and get my shorts. i am wearing a tank top, and my bras brastraps are not pulled tight enough so its popping out at the straps, causing my tank top to pop out too, (i'd take a pic too but i don't feel like it). im also wearing these wrangler cut offs (which were either my mom or my dads?), they all went to aunt deannas pool, so i wanted to change into some sort of comfortable casual shorts or something, but like i said, i am wearing these cut-offs, which i had to unbutton and they slowly unzipped and i do not feel comfortable at all, i feel disgusting! like i said, fitting, comfortable clothes are key! i mean, i don't understand why i am just never freaking comfortable!???!

in all fairness, i did get a bit of sun, and i look a heck of a lot better than i did when i was pale and frail. if you need an idea, think of how used we are...um...to celebrities wearing perfect makeup all the time, so that when we see pics of them GASP! not wearing makeup, they all look pale and sickly, you know? like iron deficient sick bags and hags!?? i will try to find some pics, and post them!

ughhh, so yeah, that is how i usually look like. plus, i have been feeling so...blase lately. i think it is also because i live at home, with my parents, so i find myself acting old. i just, idk, i act old i guess. i am slow, i like to....talk about how weak i feel!??! not to mention, i have not been working, i feel totally sorry for myself, and i lost all hope! sage comes around a lot, but you know, i try to be entertaining...like i said, i need a job, and then i need to have fun!

i love the summer!!!! i want to grill and chill!!! i need to do a lot!

no more excuses!!!

so, yes, yesterday, the kids wanted to go to dorney park. my dad, bless him, bought the 3 of us tickets and caleb bought his own. so we went to dorney park. yes, it was hot out! and i was still feeling weak, but you know, i was there, and i actually do enjoy rides, so we went on the roller coasters and such. caleb and i actually convinced sage to go on the free fall and steel force, which she used to be afraid of! i wish sage actually liked communicating with lisa, so she could brag about her going on these rides to her.

i don't know anymore!?? sage is in her teenage years, and apart from her mother not really being there for her as a child, i see how sage also gives her mother a tough time now, which in turn, upsets lisa, but what does she expect? i also think alchohol makes lisa very crabby. i think she will not see this until she STOPS drinking! drinking really muddies up your thinking. i know sage now has attitude problems, but lisa can change things around!??! i was going to send her a letter, but i just decided not too, besides, that would make things worse. now, i am not even sure how that letter will even apply to her? at this point, i'm not even sure anything really matters!??!

does anything truly matters? if you have tried before, and no matter what you do, someone is going to have the same opinion of you regardless of what you do, like i just said, what does anything even really matter!??! you can change your life around, but what does it even matter? i mean, it just doesn't!!

dorney park was hot. i went on tons of rides, and since sage was afraid to go on certain rides, i went on the rides with caleb, like posessed. the talon, the one roller coaster sage and caleb wanted to go on, shook up my head, and after that i honestly felt like i could not go on any more rides. sage wanted a henna tattoo, caleb wanted an airbrushed shirt, but it was almost closing time, which was 8 pm (still not yet summer hours)

i just wanted a candy crush candy, im not even sure why!?? to post on instagram!?? i need to get comfy now, but its so freaking HOT!!! hmm...if i go upstairs, i already know there is nothing comfy and casual to even wear!??

i have a bunch of loose fitting capris, but they are still at mikes. i havent texted him in two days...today and yesterday.

only problem is, i signed his address when the judge needed me to sign off my address. i don't want to talk to mike. i did all i could for him, yet he will never change. he will constantly put me down, he is never going to see me other than the terrible names he calls me, (whether that is some power/control trip whatever, i am done with it! and not because i want reassurance from anyone. i actually get kind of defensive when pp put him down.

ahh! i got it! see, i have all kinds of muscle shirts, i need to get me some more guy clothes, but loose fitting pants and what not...

mike just texted me....he said he has an overwhelming sadness with no recovery. what am i supposed to say to that!??? how am i supposed to respond to that?

i can put myself in his shoes, which i have...and he feels he has done something wrong, he feels burdened by what he did at the party. yes, weston and laurin were upset with him, but it is because they care! they too, lost a very good friend they do not want to lose another one!. they know that mike is hurting.  laurin told me, (even tho she was in no mood to talk to anyone because she was hurting), she told me they would give mike a ride home. i think we all been through a lot. we were all there when thor the big dog had to be put down. i think we all deserve each others respect. so yes, westin and laurin were upset when mike decided to drive off after he has been drinking. i was upset and scared too! i thought he was going to kill himself, or get a dui! and he constantly gets on my case about my duis!!! they were upset with mike, because they care for him!!! yet, he feels so upset that he did that, that he feels he needs someone to blame, and i become the SCAPEGOAT! I wanted friends, i thought they liked me...i am lonely. i like to be around people. i just want to feel like i can relate. i mean, i dont know? susan said she is having a get together on saturday, a sort of bachelor/bachelorette party. i am not good for mike. he thinks i am a monster or something. he cant just invite me and he controls me by telling me i cant drink anymore! "you can go but you cant drink!" i am capable of controlling myself in a socializing environment. i like to be witty, i like to conversate, agree, listen and learn. i like to hear people out, i like to chat, crack jokes, you know???? what i dont like is to be told, 'listen, you cant drink or all hells gonna break loose' i cant deal with that anymore! i am a grown adult! it should be up to me the decisions i make!??!

i mean, mike feels ashamed to confront susan or gabe, gabe is christians brother. gabe actually gave me a hug, and told me it wasnt my fault. he knows mike was upset and drinking. i mean, his good fucking friend just killed himself! how the fuck are you supposed to be!? your brother, your fiancee, your son!!?? your friend!?? how the fuck is anyone supposed to react and act when someone does that!??! right!???!

i know susan is having a party this saturday night. i would of liked to of went, i mean, i would like to go, but that is only if mike can treat me with respect, which he will NEVER do!!! he is upset because he wanted to go, but now he feels ashamed due to the way he acted. he blamed me because he cant deal or face with the fact that it was HIM who acted that way! and yet, he is on my case due to my drinking, and driving at that?! and look what the fuck he did!!??! he said he drove away before i could start a scene!??! i was planning on leaving, actually. i wanted them to take his keys but when i walked over there, not a single FUCK was given (idk, im trying to be like that annoying cheezburger link that always shows up with that ugly girl holding her bared breasts while her boyfriend was too busy playing video games, sort of what mike did to me btw, i do not want to see 'jersey boys'. i read something about how much of an egotistical, arrogant man um....the concert that moss so wanted to see, oh...frankie valli...i was going to share my opinion on that but right now i just want to finish what i am writing now)

yeah, i walked over there to ask SOMEONE to take mikes keys but i was feeling kind of unwelcome and uncomfortable!/ and awkward, so i walked back to mikes truck, where he got delusional and took off.

do you know how HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND AWKWARD IT FEELS TO FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ARE JUDGING YOU!???! AND HOW PARANOID IT IS TO HAVE A BLOG WHERE YOU SHARE OPINIONS ON SOME NASTY VICE ARTICLE YOU READ ABOUT *PUKE* PROLAPSED BUTTHOLE PORN!??! yeah! i read some article and it had a link and i watched the link in disgusted....i dont know, that like, nervous disgusted feeling you get when you know you are watching something NASTY!!! ill probably write about that later!???!

im going to publish this and then i will write about the preliminary trial today because i am starting to get nervous this will highlight and delete! and i will be so pissed if it does!!!!!