you know, i write about everything, it is just what i do. no clue why? i mean, who knows why the fuck i write on a freaking public internet blog huh? i must be some kimd of dumb...

you know, for some reason, i care about mike. i want to be there for him. i wanted to go to christians viewing and service because, for one, i knew him, and also, i wanted to go in support of mike. i know he was a good friend and mike is struggling with suicidal thoughts. i want mike to know that i do care about him and that i love him. however, he felt he had to discipline me. he was fine beforehand. he was ok with me going i suppose. our pastor was actually there, showing everyone where to park.

sigh. i dont feel like writing. i am so sick of blogging. i think i am addicted to it tho...i dont even know!? anyways...i dressed nicely, since he seemed to think i was going to wear disgusting clothes, i didnt drink, because out of respect for him, and i knew he had brought rum and he was drinking, so i was going to be his designated driver. i didnt need to drink, (if i wanted too i would of WAITED till later) i was nothing but respectful

wait, locked key!?? ryan lotke!??! remember, and..ok i will get to that later.......

i was polite, i was quiet, i was respectful. i did not cause a scene.

i was there for mike, i was there for him! because i care about him! ok? i care about him! i just want him to know that, yet he just puts me down, he pushes me away.

i know this was hard for him. mike told me ahead of time that someone he used to be friends with might be there, and he is no longer friends with him. i have no idea why they are not friends anymore, but i feel it has to be about a girl, somehow. why isnt mike still friends with scott? he wont ever tell me, but scott msgd me and has no clue either??

i respect his wishes about me not asking mike why he is not friends with burgess anymore? that is none of my business, really. if mike wanted to tell me why, then he would tell me! however, the way mike just told me, in that disrespectful tone, 'listen someones gonna be there who im no longer friends with and if you start anything up im gonna leave you there on the side of the road' (that sort of thing)...its the way he speaks to me. i have asked him for respect, common decency. treat me with respect! i am a human being!

mike told me that christians mother told him some words that really spoke to mike. mike has told me time and time again, he never had a mother figure. his mother is not mentally well, so she was never a real mom to mike. mike gave christians mom a hug and said he was friends with christian. mike told me she had told him, 'there is hope' and that spoke to him a lot. mike is dealing with suicidal thoughts. he feels his life is pointless. he is working and working, and will never overcome this. he tells me he is not going to be around much longer.

we payed our respects to christian then we stood around for the service. his mother spoke and said some very interesting stories about christian. sue, the fiancee, was being very strong, even tho she also looked frail, like the life has been sucked out of her. understandably.

i was very quiet, polite and respectful at the luncheon afterwards, which was held at harmony firehouse. no one said hi to me. nobody even said hi to me. i did give laurin a hug. she was very upset and didnt speak much. she lost a good friend. weston was in good terms, he had on his positive mask and i believe he knows that christian is ok. no one thinks christian would do that unless something very extreme was going on. not to make this about me, but emily didnt say hi to me. i was going to be courteous and say hi, so i felt like weird..burgess was there. he didnt say hi to me? i have no clue. i dont know what happened to mike and burgess. i asked mike to come up with me to the buffet you know, so i wouldnt go up alone. i thought it would be a thoughtful gesture if he went up with me, but he didnt. he said why do you need me to go up. i felt my eyes well up like an anime cartoon, 'because its courteous?' i didnt eat. he had the calzone in the morning. laurins sister, (i forget her name), she saw and she said, 'ill go up with you' and she did. mike was drinking.

he was making strong drinks too. there was good food! lots of good food! they had a keg and alchohol, but i just got soda and water. mike was outside and susan came to the table. i went outside and told mike that sue was at the table if he wanted to go inside and talk to her. he said thank you for telling me. him and ryan and his brother, who is married to laurins sister, went inside.

i was nothing but courteous, quite, polite. i was not causing a scene. some girl had a dress on and mike was checking her out, making comments. do you know upset i was, yet i did not cause a scene. i didnt say anything even tho his comments were rude and upset me.  yet he thinks i was causing a scene.

nope!

and im treated to feel like i am a pariah or something!? why? because i blog!??? or because mike might of painted me out to be a super bitch!

after the luncheon, they had invited everyone to sues house to just be around and more casual. mike was drinking. i was there to drive mike.

i keep replaying everything, blaming myself for ruining what should of been a relaxed, celebratory night for christians friends and family. why did i go? i was not friends with them! what made me even think i was friends with them? i was wrong to of went. wrong! WRONG WRONG WRONG! I RUINED EVERYTHING! I MADE MIKE LOOK BAD!

we sat down, and all day i was on the verge of crying. i was thinking about everything, watching everyone, unsure of how to be!??! i saw how laurin was not talking to anyone. she was upset. i saw how the guys were talking about anything but christian. alchohol would of brought that out. speaking of good times with christian, right? in remembrance of him. mike used to rib with christian, make fun of his voice, which was high pitched. i could see that mike was getting drunk and wanted and needed someone to rib with. emily always ribs with mike (she kind of reminds me of a francine type from american dad. shes cool but i was wondering why she didnt say hi to me? im sensitive like that tho. i just think its polite to say hi to everyone..shrug)....mike was trying to rib with emily. he also made a few of his rib jokes to laurins sisters husband (i cant think of their names?)....he used to rib with christian but christian was no longer there.

i was on the verge of crying. alot. mike being rude to me. hold in the tears. we went back to my house because we were close, so i could get a sweatshirt and change and mike wanted to see marble. he wanted to bring marble, but i said later.

we sat down. mike pointed at me and said, 'your not drinking you hear me?' the way he said it embarrassed me. he said it loud enough for laurin to hear. laurin told me that they would take mike home. i felt so embarrassed, like it made me look like i was upset because i couldnt drink. i did NOT say anything back tho! i felt the tears coming, so i quietly asked mike for the keys. i went to the truck and cried in the truck. a few moments later, mike came up to me and said,"babe come out, ryan and emily are here' he was nice to me! that was the last time he was nice to me.

we sat down, and he started asking me about burgess. he said he saw me talking to burgess. i said i told him where the bottled water was. then mike started acting up. i admit, i made a joke. i said, 'yeah he told me everything' but then he started calling me a liar and a cheater, and he called me CUNT in front of people. i walked away. i sat down next to emily and laurin but i felt so awkward and unwelcome and i was actually going to ask laurin to get the keys from mike and i was going to leave, but i didnt want to burden her so i walked to the truck. i asked him calmly for the keys and he pushed me and called me more names. i asked him for the keys and he started his truck and i was still attached to the truck and i was like ,'mike no! please, mike!" because i was so worried that he was going to crash or do something stupid! he was drinking heavily and he drove. i heard laurin yell at weston, mikes leaving!

weston was like, 'where the fuck did he go?" everyone was upset because they knew he was drinking. i tried to get the keys. i called my dad to pick me up. we drove to mikes so i could get my car. he texted me later, telling me he locked all my stuff in the trunk. including my purse, and my keys!?? why would he do that?

anyways, he started blaming me for ruining everything.

i have been so upset all day, yesterday today. i just feel so lost and alone. i do all i can for mike to show him that i care, and he treats me like shit, blaming me even tho i did nothing. i feel bad that he feels that he ruined everyones night. that hurts me. he needs someone to blame so he blames me. fine..whatever

another family guy hanging joke...wtf

anyways, a few other syncs but i dont want to pay attention to them.

i just feel extremely saddened. i feel hurt. rejected and dejected. i just friends. i just want people that care about me.

i do care about mike, but he is so awful and disrespectful towards me. instead of saying thank you t me, thank you for taking me, for being there for me, for looking out for me, he says, 'fuck you i knew i shouldnt of brought you!

and i still waste my time on him, sending him texts and crying all day. he told me i made it all about me, i turned it into me...

i posted on facebook something about being with someone who is constantly putting you down, but im sure someone is going to get upset about that post, thinking i am selfish and self centered. i try, i try to be caring, sweet, supportive. i try to be a good person. i try so hard. sure i blog, but is that really so bad?

i feel so freaking paranoid  about my blog, i feel like i am ...ugh i dont know!? i try to be positive, upbeat, but waht the fuck am i? im a worthless peice of shit!!! thats what!


almost forgot, the locked key remember ryan lotke? well, my KEY was LOCKED in the trunk! thanks to mike!

more syncs but i dont feel like writing them


i just want to be happy. i just want respect. im lonely you know? and even tho mike is so mean to me, when he is nice to me, it makes me happy, and then i go back to him!??

i dont know how to just...stay away!???! :(