i wouldnt feel so upset if this whole stupid dui was not happening! i just called back so the unneccessary charges were dropped (good!), also he said to talk to the ARD program..ARD!??! that is the program, for first....offense...um...well, i guess i just need to wait for the paperwork to come through...
hmm....in the meantime, i need a JOB!!!! ughh this is so frustrating! enough! enough sitting around wasting away!!! im thinking of going back to penn foam!??! idk!??? its too far away, well not really...i just go on 78 and bam, its easy to get there from where i live. oh great malwarebytes expired!??!? i need avast back!!!
wow! it saved it!! ha! so yeah, im back! its not like i am not searching for work. i am. i have been applying, i have been going to interviews. i dont get calls back.
i went to famous tattoo works with mike tonight, he went to get his R.I.P. The doctor tattoo (in remembrance of christian)..and yes, i posted that i was there...so what!? whatever
and i saw that lisa posted that dumb offspring job, 'why dont you get a job'...
like im hanging out getting tattoos and i am a slacker who does not want to work. she doesnt even give a shit about me. i texted her on sunday saying, 'im glad to see you are getting your root canals done. take care' and she didnt even text me back instead she worries so much about what i post on facebook. fuck her. you know, this year has been the worst for me!
i forget how it feels to be alive. im just existing. mike and i have been getting along better tho, but if i head out to LA its not going to be good, once again. and moss keeps telling me this and that about what dr judy says, (hes gonna kill me)
what does she know? or him? he has never did anything like that to me. yeah he has been a jerk but he aint going to KILL ME!!!!
at the tattoo place someone brought up this guy who mutual people knew who killed his wife and stuff her in a garbage can. todd and i were talking about how it is so weird that he knew someone that knew this guy, who killed his wife!??! how can you tell if someone has pre-existing issues that will lead them to kill someone else!??!
im sorry but mike does not have those psychotic tendencies. he hides his feelings but he does reveal them. if i leave he will feel hurt, (like he always does when i leave), and like i am running away from my problems.
maybe i am than!?? i just dont know anymore!? and i get upset with moss bcuz moss is not respecting me when he knows i have no money yet he is expecting me to fly out there, not only that, but pay him back the 190.00 for the ticket, which i DO NOT HAVE!
moss says come out you know we will feasel our way (into the tim and eric show), also VIP oddball show saturday....oh yeah he also says he will give me 250.00 to GAMBLE WITH if i go out there!??!?
maybe i will win a jackpot?
but an overwhelming sense of sadness is clouding over me because i love mike and i feel like i shouldnt be going, that i am going to hurt him and he will be hurtful towards me and this will make me feel like screaming.
why is my life so stupid!???!
im so torn.
i just want a good job, i want to feel proud of myself, i want to feel like i am accomplishing things, i want supportive friends and loved ones in my life, i want to love and be loved. i do love mike.....but he does not trust me or let me be.
hes going to be so upset if i go tomorrow. i dont know why i am going!??!
its like a charade and im just a big kid, never growing up. i am an imbecile who just cant think for herself. i will forever be chasing butterflies...never to of found life...
2 weeks! thats it! and i want to be back in time for jays writers convention!!!!!!!
if mike is mad at me, so be it!
if lisa is jealous, well let her be.
oh wellz!!!
and my parents are supportive no matter what i do. they have been with me this whole time, helping me.
they truly care about me and just want what is best for me. and i absolutely cannot continue to be a fuck up. i just cannot do it anymore!
i dont drink anymore! yeah i might have a beer here and there but that is not a priority for me!
what else? i dont know!???!
i better go to bed tho.
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