so......i am so ready to just get a job and get my life back on track. i just want to feel normal again!!! i went to the mall today, and even going to the mall wakes me up and revives me. just looking at nice clothes and spritzing on perfume reminds me that i am still alive. all i need is a damn job! i miss waking up early, and i want my own place so that i can cook. i have been eating bad lately, and i have been feeling so..yuck, i need to get out of this rut. then i think, oh yeah....loss of license, and probation.....and then i fall back into that depression. everyone is like, 'you will get over this' but it is a setback. i havent even begun the punishment phase yet. fines, loss of license, not being able to drive and listen to music....having a probation officer..(wtf is that!??!), AA meetings, (but you know, I don't really drink anymore! Like i said, i'll have a beer here and there, but I am not drinking to the point of blacking out.i do not wake up with hangovers anymore.
i cant believe i am 36 now! i should have a kid! or more! see, i dont know!?? i need to figure things out. i still feel young, i suppose, i look young..but i also feel like arm and hammer baking soda, if that makes sense...
i was just talking to my parents about how even travelling awakens your energy senses. when you get stuck, you begin to just...feel yourself wasting away. you forget about life. we are now on earth, for a brief amount of time, so why not enjoy it!!?! who cares if you are not super hot! just enjoy it!! be you! just be yourself!!
they mentioned going to las vegas in october and asked if i want to go. sure! they said to ask mike if he wants to go too, i mean, yeah if he wants i guess...he seems to only want to go to gettysburg or s.carolina (his folks are out there now)...i mentioned how when i was out there with anand jon and company, he knew that magician/hypnotist who is all over the billboards out there, anthony cools. we saw his show and after we went to his mansion. wow it was like this glass maze of a mansion..glass walls and hallways leading to different sections of the house, and an archetectural wall ascending to the pool, i mean, this was like, some sort of crazy mansion dude! and of course models/attractive girls everywhere...
i have been inside alot of mansions. its cools, but you know? im not sure how i would feel if i had my very own mansion!???!
i dont think i would want random people over....and im not sure i would even want a big, mansion!??! i want a comfy cozy home! homie! i just deleted a question i had about what you would rather live in because i just realized that a lot of ppl i went to school with or know through this thing called real life already have families and homes, and NICE homes!!! like nj suburban nice monopoly homes (what i call them)...but yeah, nice mcmansions...(they post pics of their homes and families) and i felt kind of embarrassed bcuz um...well, idk....well, look at me!!! i moved out of mikes only to get a dui and now i am broke and living at my parents.
i should be married and have kids!??! im 36 im the age where i should have teenagers!??!?! i should have a nice house. yes i am embarrassed. why would i even ask such a daydreaming question like that!?!?!? i should of had my very own apartment with cozies and fuzzies when i was early 20s!???!
damn! its not like i never had my own place tho!??! i lived in gettysburg in one of those double wides for a while, (but i hated it! i felt so lost and alone there...i would go in my room and watch adult swim shows such as tom goes to the mayor, along with americas next top model, would keep me company).....i didnt like it there. my roommate, (my friend AJ who is a big gettysburg buff) was so weird too....he would keep everything so dark with no light coming in what so ever. it was very lonely there. ughh...
i also lived with jeremy, well..not really, but we crashed at his brothers alot in the veins off south main street in pburg. the upstairs floor actually felt crooked and uneven, and the bathroom was tiny and smelled like a south main street bathroom, which means marinaded pee trapped within the walls. we ate bad food like chili cheese dogs or hamburger helper, and watched dvds that his fat brother had, (i think he has aspergers) the wall was painted a hideous clown purple...which later fit into jeremy's night terrors/dts come to life...(delerium tremors)...in which he saw clowns and furries roaming around downstairs. there was an old tv in his room, and he thought it was hooked up to a video camera in the living room, where he saw these strange deliriums, ((once he was not able to take my bank card to use for small items which he always turned into natty ice for himself))...i remember the first place his brother had had plastic on the couch!??! later, i guess he started cheating on me (i mean, now i dont care but it was hurtful at the time)...and she would leave post it notes with cute little 'i love you' all over the place...i didnt really live there tho we just crashed during that weird crazy summer...
i also had that place in los feliz, a sort of orange tree, jungle esque menagerie of cottages within a gated community, checkerboard, quaint, nightmare before christmas and little boy colorful sheets, wood panel floor like that of my childhood, when my family and i had lived in flemington above strikers paint store...ah i remember that apartment fondly. my grandpa and grandma brown were actually living in the apartment right over. i would paste little mouse homes, ala jerry style from tom and jerry, plus the mice from cinderella, all over the kitchen and hallway, made from paper and pen. i also had my studio apartment in hollywood, and i also stayed in beverly hills while anand jon was there. OMG that place was a mess! it truly was awful. nice apartment complex tho, but he did not take care of it. the kitchen was sticky from the fridge which leaked, that fridge had nothing in it. the freezers had alcohol. lots of it, even tho he didnt drink and we werent allowed too. (when he left me and the other girl who was staying there got into it tho and excursed out, meeting some hollywood type who let me drive his jaguar around to bring holly to modeling agencies. those agencies never took me into consideration, of course!)..oh and we slept on blow up mattresses which would lose the air! if i wasnt so brainwashed and exhausted and hungry all the time, and distracted, i would probably be crying more. ((i am going to write about that time in my life))..i can still go back into that haunting time, and just the way i was made to feel....it was like having some sort of crazy bubble surrounding me. if i forgot how it feels to have demonic energy around, just going back to that time reminds me...
then of course living with mike, and lil ol marble. we will always have that connection....i mean, i lived with them in bethlehem, and then easton. i was working, i was doing good for myself.
now what tho!???
what is in store for me!??!
what!?? is anything!????!
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